The Daily Procrastinator

Students, teachers, parents, professors, and procrastinators rejoice! Summer has arrived! I’m trying to keep thoughts of oppressive heat and suffocating humidity by focusing my mind on fishing, swimming, and sitting up late into the night chatting with friends. I sincerely hope your plans are the same. Before we drift off into reverie, though, let’s take a look back at this week’s offerings on The Daily Procrastinator. Even in the summer, you don’t want to miss a thing.

The week began as BigRedPoet assigned you some simple Memorial Day homework. Admittedly, I only completed two of the three sections of the assignment, but Magnus only did one. Go double-check, and gloat if you did all three.

On Tuesday, FlashCap drew a fine line between what’s believable and what’s not. A guy with adamantium in his skeleton and huge claws that sprout out of his forearms? Of course that’s believable. A guy with adamantium in his skeleton and huge claws that sprout out of his forearms who’s pretty much indestructible? That’s ludicrous.

Yes, that's a spider eating a bird. Run fast. Run far. Run now.

Midweek, TallGirl spoke up in the face of Jon & Kate hysteria. While many Americans are obsessed with this pseudo-celebrity couple, TallGirl is having none of it. I couldn’t agree with her more whole-heartedly. See the comments…

On Thursday, BigRedPoet went just a little bit nuts. After attending an Astros game and sitting behind the un-fans from hell, BRP went off on a rant that just might peel the paint off the walls…or at least cause you to chuckle and shake your head.

The week ended as FlashCap found a way to use brownies, literature, and manure to make a brilliant point about the way people think and encounter their world. It’s almost like he was on one of those improv comedy shows and had to find a way to link three unrelated objects on one routine. The result will enlighten you.

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The Daily Procrastinator: Contributing to the Dramatic Reduction of Your Personal

You know, back when he was just a mutant, Wolverine kicked all kinds of ass. Here was a guy with heightened senses and a healing factor that allowed him to wade into a horde of Hand ninjas and start doling out as much punishment as he was taking with those awesome adamantium claws.

And the thing was, those wounds he was taking took a toll on him – it actually took him time to heal, to mend, and, if you were to inflict enough punishment on the runt, the fight could be won. At least for a time. Then Wolverine would go berserker on your ass and woe be to anyone who got in his path.

I liked the fact that his past was a mystery. I liked the fact that the adamantium was grafted onto his bones by a mysterious government entity, and that those claws were not natural. They just made him more deadly. That’s all I really needed to know. (Now, I should note that I don’t mind the relatively recent developments with House of M, giving Wolverine total recall of his past. It opens up so many more story possibilities that could enrich the character even further. Whether this bombshell is being pulled off effectively is another opinion).

But back in 1993, the inevitable happened. Because when a major X-Men villain has the capability to control the forces of magnetism, thus being able to manipulate all forms of metal, it really should have been no surprise when Magneto ripped the adamantium from Wolverine’s body.

The character of Wolverine has never been quite the same since then.

One, the loss of the adamantium led to the “discovery” that Wolverine’s claws were actually bone structures, and thus a part of his original mutation. So not only did Wolverine have heightened senses and a healing factor, but he also had claws, to boot. Quick, name another mutant with so many beneficial mutations. The idea of bone claws popping out of his wrists is, as far as intuitive mutations, pretty much a stretch (yes, we’re talking about a realm in which some mutants teleport, others shoot concussive blasts out of their eyes, and others control the weather, but at least those mutations are suggested by design characteristics or Darwinistic necessity. Name an animal that ejects its claws from sheaths in its legs).

Two, Wolverine has become something of a samurai. Historically he’s been characterized as a brawler, someone who overpowers opponents through ferocity and will. Now, he’s portrayed as a skilled fighter, knowledgeable in various forms of combat, martial arts, and swordplay. I guess this is a bit of a nitpick since he’s lived for over 100 years, and it makes sense that he might have picked up some skills in that time, but, again, these depictions run counter to who he was, originally.

Yeah, Wolverine carrying a sword doesn’t make much sense to me, either (yes, I know the story behind the blade).

Third, and this is the biggest issue I have, the dude seems damn near immortal now. Wolverine’s healing ability has been increasing steadily since the mid-90s, and it’s culminated in the idea that nothing short of cutting off his head will kill him. And even that is up to debate. I read an issue of Wolverine a while back where he was chasing the villain Nitro after Nitro blew up the town of Stamford, Connecticut. He caught up with him in a remote wooded area, but Nitro exploded himself again:

Note that the explosion reduces Wolverine to his adamantium laced skeleton (reacquired sometime during the 90s). But on the next page, Wolverine’s body has already regenerated itself (appparently, some brain matter survived the flames) and he proceeds to take on Nitro again, who is spent from that explosion.

Really? This is the same Wolverine who barely survived ninjas and samurai in Chris Claremont’s seminal limited series, which gave fans their first real glimpse into the mysterious Logan. Here’s a nice site that gives an overview of the work. Otherwise, buy it. But now, 25 or so years later, this story wouldn’t play out as none of the heavies in Claremont’s story would be able to overcome Wolverine’s healing abilities, which are now godlike.

I understand characters evolve (particularly mutants), but these evolutions in Logan have made him, in my opinion, less entertaining, particularly the accelerated healing factor. It now takes a god-like opponent to threaten Wolverine, and that’s the real problem with his portrayal today: Wolverine’s claws suggest he should be taking on mortals – the adamantium blades are a very real threat to anyone who can bleed. His healing factor, though, allows him to take on anything else with very little risk.

And that rarely makes for interesting story-telling.

Greetings, procrastinators! As you may have noticed, there was no Weekly Wrap-Up last week. Frankly, I procrastinated. I consider it my duty to let procrastination interfere with my work every now and again. Practicing what I preach, you know… Anyway, the past two weeks on The Daily Procrastinator have been as fruitful as ever, and this is your chance to make sure you didn’t miss a word of TDP’s enlightening content. Let’s consider one subject at a time.

Food: The first tasty post of the week came from BigRedPoet, who considered it his duty to make the world (or at least the world of procrastinators) aware of the glory of Squeez Bacon. Even though Magnus rained on the parade in comments, Squeez Bacon is still a great idea. TallGirl, no doubt inspired by the tantalizing possibility of a meat condiment, continued the bacon orgy with a celebration of the myocardial-infarction-inducing dish known as the Bacon Explosion. Imagine it topped with Squeez Bacon, if you dare.

Entertainment: On April 27, BigRedPoet posted a review/celebration of Led Zeppelin’s historic 1969 show in San Francisco, complete with a FANTASTIC photograph of the young Zeps doing their thing on stage. A few days later, FlashCap (he lives!) bemoaned the disparity between the comic book characters readers have come to know and love and the characters who appear on-screen in recent Marvel movies.

Technology: Magnus, assisted by a mysterious figure known only as Z, posted a list of quick-fixes and tweaks that will whip your PC into tip-top Springtime condition. I’ve used several of them already, with fantastic results. In a completely different branch of technology, BigRedPoet examined the difference between “awesome” and “lame,” as applied to three-wheeled transportation.

This picture requires no explanation. Not THIS week...

Current Events: TallGirl piped up as the voice of reason in the face of the swine-flu inspired hysteria that’s literally dominating the television and radio waves this week. I prefer TallGirl’s point of view over the popular panic. Note the irony of two bacon-inspired posts in the days preceding the swine flu outbreak.

This Crazy Life: TDP’s resident social commentator, TallGirl, weighed in on several topics in the past two weeks. She started with cosmetic surgery in suburbia. Later, she pondered the proper ratio of cream to coffee…or is that the ratio of coffee to cream? Finally, she revealed how people’s perceptions of a friend or neighbor can change simply through the revelation of a pair of enticing underpants.

Visit The Daily Procrastinator at any of the links above and sign up to receive daily email updates so you never miss an article!

The Daily Procrastinator: Contributing to the Dramatic Reduction of Your Personal Productivity

May 1st is going to disappoint a lot of Wolverine fans. It’s going to enrage a lot of every single Deadpool fan. Gambit and Emma Frost fans are going to feel slighted. Hell, the three Blob super-fans out there are going to have to commiserate over a bucket of fried chicken skins after seeing Wolverine: Origins. To a Marvel comic book reader, the movie is that bad.

To non-comic book readers, the movie might be a mindless, action-filled romp, which is apparently all Fox wanted this movie to be. To fans of the comic book characters, the movie will be yet another example of why Fox should keep their hands off of Marvel properties.

Think about it. The most successful comic book movies have been films that, above all, stay true to the characters they are representing from the comic books. The Dark Knight takes enormous liberties with the details of how Bruce Wayne manages to be the caped crusader, but the movie never falters on the reasons why he does what he does. The first two Spider-Man films might diverge from the stories as presented in the comics, but they don’t infringe on who Peter Parker is, who Spider-Man has historically been (and even the third can only be faulted for how poorly the symbiote’s influence on Parker was portrayed). And the first two X-Men films, while not presenting the exact stories from the books, get the characters right.

Even with Storm's bad hair, you can still recognize each character

Look at the failed superhero movies: Daredevil, while not a complete bomb, tried to make the Man Without Fear into a Spider-Man/Batman hybrid. He’s not. It should be the simplest thing in the world to make a solid Punisher movie, but it hasn’t happened yet. Elektra might as well not have been about the Marvel character. The Fantastic Four films chose to go cheap on characterization, heavy on the campiness, and any sense of these characters beyond cartoons is never allowed. The casting wasn’t all that great, either (note: when re-booting, keep that guy who played Johnny Storm, can the rest – yes, including Jessica Alba – and make the Thing CGI).

Shouldn't The Thing look more physically imposing?

Wolverine: Origins commits the same damn mistake that those latter films do: it’s not true to the source material. Listen, I could care less how Ryan Reynolds character becomes Deadpool, so long as the figure called Deadpool is a mouthy killer who’s good with all kinds of weapons. He shouldn’t shoot Cyclops’ beams out of his eyes nor should swords the length of his arms come out of his forearms, AND HIS MOUTH SHOULDN’T BE SEWN SHUT! And it follows that if a prior film suggests that Wolverine has a dark past (you know, like X2 – and all of Marvel continuity – suggests), I’d expect to see some dark times rather than a character that is utterly heroic and noble throughout his entire life. As the tagline suggests, what Wolverine does isn’t very nice.

FOX studio's version of Deadpool - I'm not kidding.

I don’t think it’s any coincidence that the most successful comic books films remain true to the source material. There’s a reason these characters have remained popular with readers for decades, and when a studio disregards these qualities in favor of a chance to dazzle with some meaningless special effect, they are not creating a Wolverine movie, a Marvel movie, or a DC movie, but a _______ studio movie.

And that’s not what comic fans are paying to see.

Currently trying to save enough money to color it in.

Ah, the joys of being able to knock out two posts via one DVD release.

Marvel has released a two-fer for fans of the Hulk: Hulk Vs. This time around it is Hulk vs. Wolverine, a throwback to the first appearance of the short berserker mutant. But the conflict between the Hulk and Wolvie is more or less a tease here: this is all about the origin of Wolverine and the Weapon X project.

Like the Thor portion of the DVD, HvW is chock full of cameos: Sabretooth, Omega Red, and Lady Deathstrike, among others. But the best lines are (deservedly) saved for Deadpool:

The Merc with a Mouth

“Hey, good buddy. It’s Deadpool. I shot you!”

“What? Babies creep me out. Rock-a-bye BANG!”

“Omega Red’s a bed-wetter . . . he’s very ashamed.”

Brilliant (and many, many others). Now we just need the full-length Deadpool movie.*

Once again, the animation and vocal talent are top notch. One thing I did not expect was the level of violence. Good for Marvel: if you’re going to put a bunch of ruthless dudes who use blades, claws, and fully automatic weapons in the same room who really don’t like each other, blood is going to be spilled. Props to them for not pulling any punches.

*Stick around past the credits.