The Daily Procrastinator

Here at The Daily Procrastinator, we know that those hours between 8:00 and 5:00 can be a real bore. Staring at the stack of papers on your desk or avoiding the list of tasks your manager expects you to accomplish can be stressful, exhausting business. For your benefit, procrastinator, we published a series of tantalizing and time-consuming articles this week. In case you missed any of them, here’s a list of the topics we covered:

Office Life: TallGirl commented on the interesting variety of spam email she receives, as well as her continuing love affair with paper in a world which is supposedly becoming a paperless utopia.

Music: Addressing both ends of the musical spectrum, Juggernaut offered his thoughts about Lamb Of God’s new album, Wrath, while BigRedPoet celebrated the White House’s decision to award Stevie Wonder the Gershwin Award. FlashCap added to this week’s celebration of music with his Sonnet To Sirius and XM Radio.

Obscure Vocabulary: If you can’t use the word “amanuensis” in a sentence, take heart! TallGirl couldn’t use it either, until just the other day. That’s uh-MAN-yoo-EN-sis, by the way.

Sports: Although Terrell Owens’ unemployment was short-lived, it was still the highlight of BigRedPoet’s month.

Medicine and/or PseudoScience: Do nutritional supplements and herbal remedies actually help people avoid getting sick? TallGirl is 97% sure they don’t, but she uses them anyway. Why?

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The Daily Procrastinator: Contributing to the Dramatic Reduction of Your Personal Productivity

A couple days ago, the Cowboys cut wide receiver Terrell Owens from their roster. So far, no other NFL team has offered him a job. I couldn’t be more thrilled. In fact, I’m grinning from ear to ear. This is glorious. It’s like watching while Paris Hilton falls down the stairs or Ashley Simpson flees the stage after her lip-sync routine crashes and burns. Witnessing such things, one is compelled by custom to feel bad, but it’s hard to do so when you know that the victims of such pratfalls deserve every moment.

Terrell Owens: talented wide receiver and complete ass-hat. Three different uniforms? That's no coincidence.

Terrell Owens (or T.O., as he’s known) is one of those guys who believes his individual glory is more important than the success of his team. He fights with his coaches and quarterbacks, sulks like a child on the sidelines when he doesn’t feel he’s getting the ball often enough, and makes negative comments to the press about his team. Every team he’s ever played for has experienced some sort of middle-school drama because he behaves like a petulant pre-teen. Owens is a gifted wide receiver, but his on-field contributions to his teams have never outweighed the problems he causes on the sidelines, in the locker room, and in the public eye.

In discussing this joyful turn of events with a friend of mine, he summed up the situation perfectly: “Hall of Fame players don’t get traded, and they sure as hell don’t get cut.” I concur. Owens’ legacy in the NFL will not be recorded in the Hall of Fame as a tremendously talented wide-out. Instead, it will be recorded in the memories of unimpressed fans who grew tired of watching a grown man pout.

According to profootballtalk.com, the following teams have “already said they’re not interested” in signing the newly unemployed Owens:

• The Dallas Cowboys (Duh.)
• The New York Giants
• The Washington Redskins
• The Baltimore Ravens
• The San Francisco 49ers
• The Minnesota Vikings
• The Atlanta Falcons
• The Cleveland Browns
• The San Diego Chargers
• The Philadelphia Eagles
• The New York Jets
• The Tennessee Titans
• The St. Louis Rams
• The New Orleans Saints
• The Houston Texans
• The Jacksonville Jaguars
• The Miami Dolphins are expected to join the list soon.

News flash, Mr. Owens–You’re not bigger than professional football. You’re not bigger than your team. You’re a little fish in a big, big pond, and right now, the guy who mops the locker room is more gainfully employed than you are. Nice work.

EDIT: In the few hours since I wrote this post, the Dolphins have indeed joined the list. Likewise, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Oakland Raiders have publicly declared that they don’t want Terrell Owens. When the Raiders don’t want you, you know you’ve hit rock bottom.

SECOND EDIT: Owens signed with the Buffalo Bills today. While my brief revel in his unemployment is over, the fact that he’s now playing for a decidedly second-tier team still makes me smile. I will take wagers on the start date of the drama in Buffalo. Meanwhile, I’d like to be a fly on the wall when T.O. hangs out with Marshawn Lynch.