The Daily Procrastinator

Coming soon to your living room?

I remember my first 3-D movie: it was Jaws 3-D, and the memory of that 35 foot long (no shit) great white shark exploding and half of its jaw bone floating right before my eyes is something I still recall fairly vividly today.

Meh. The shark still looks fake

But that’s probably because I was 10 years old at the time. The novelty of wearing those cardboard glasses and seeing the images pop out at me made that abomination of a movie different, but definitely not better. Memories of watching non-3-D movies like Star Wars and Raiders of the Lost Ark are just as vivid in my mind.

Flash forward, oh, 20+ years later and the 3-D movie experience hasn’t changed all that much: we’re still expected to wear the glasses (now plastic and at a surcharge) and, perhaps beyond a few scenes, the 3-D experience doesn’t add a heck of a lot to the Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs movie watching experience.

Unless maybe you’re 10.

Which is why all this talk of 3-D television baffles me. Apparently Sony and Panasonic think the next big thing is television sets that will allow us the experience of 3-D right in our living rooms. But who on earth wants that? 3-D movies work (occasionally) for kid movies and as a gimmick for tired sequels (i.e., Jaws 3-D; Friday the 13th, 3-D; Final Destination 3-D), but beyond that, no one except the money-grubbing studios are clamoring for these films to be made.

Let’s look at the reasons this idea is bound for failure:

1) Size of the screen: 3-D movies work because everything is so huge. Yes, televisions are larger today, and getting larger, yet most homes will have a limit to both budget and space available. Small images floating in front of a small screen just won’t make as much of an impression.

2) 3-D is a social experience: When objects jump out at audiences in 3-D movies, the creators want a reaction out of the audience. We attempt to move out of the way when an object is thrown “at us” – and we shriek and laugh along with the rest of the audience after it happens. At home, there’s generally not going to be a large viewing audience, so that interaction is lost.

3) High Definition. HD TV is a phenomenal upgrade from standard definition, the pictures are gorgeous, and it’s practically brand new. When we upgraded to a 1080p TV, my wife and I sat stunned by the picture quality our Blu-Ray movies provided, and commented that they practically looked three dimensional. And this was without a set of those damned glasses! Speaking of which…

4) Those damned glasses. What guy wants to sit down to watch Monday Night Football wearing a pair of ill-fitting glasses? Who will watch CSI: Miami which will have only two truly 3-D moments in the entire show (one being when Caruso’s shades come flying toward you in the first two minutes)? We have 3-D televised events already (Superbowl commercials/half-times; Disney channel movies), and these are met largely with skepticism if not completely disregarded. And, hell, I have a hard enough time finding my remote – how am I going to keep up with a pair of cheap plastic glasses?

I suppose I could be wrong, but 3-D television, in my eyes, has “failed experiment” written all over it. It’s not 10 year olds buying the TVs, and, unless the technology makes giant leaps over the next year or so, 3-D television will be the next “Beta” of the entertainment industry.

Now, all bets are off if the porn industry gets involved…

Dear Procrastinators,

The big E3 (Electronic Entertainment Expo) is going on this week. Microsoft, Sony & Nintendo all announced their new gaming technologies:

Sony: Wii-like controller

Nintendo: A new, more accurate, Wii controller

Microsoft: NO CONTROLLER NEEDED

Look ma, no hands!

It is obvious that Microsoft is the clear winner here.  Now you won’t even need to find (much less pick up) your controller to start playing.  You will just walk in front of your TV,  be recognized by the system  and start playing, Minority Report style.  You may even get some exercise from moving around as you make the on-screen character follow your moves.

But that will require work and effort, and therefore runs counter to everything this site believes in.

Fortunately, Procrastinators, I have a solution.   And it will be a reality in just a few years.

Researchers at Emotiv have figured out how to control objects on screen using brainwaves.  Imagine just thinking what your character should do and having it respond, all from the comfort of your couch with nary a need to lift a finger.   Shoot the bad guy?  Think it.  Pass the ball to T.O. in Madden? Think it. Exercise on your wii board? Think it.

This, my friends, is the future of gaming.