The Daily Procrastinator

Let’s face it, almost any “greatest band ever” list ends up with the Beatles. Or Led Zeppelin, depending on what year it is and whether BRP had a say in it. To avoid this, the DP is going to add another adjective to the list, AMERICAN, and count down the top seven American Rock Bands (take that, you limey bastards!).

So here we are: the final 2.  Who will be the DP’s greatest American Rock…Ah, who are we kidding?  You’re not reading this, you’ve already scrolled down to see the results.  So here we go:

#2: Creedence Clearwater Revival

Fogerty was wearing flannel before Pearl Jam made it hip.

The case for: Lynyrd Skynyrd might be the quintessential southern rock band, but that’s only because the guys from CCR hail from San Francisco.  That’s right, the band that brought you swamp rockers like “Born on the Bayou” and “Bad Moon Rising” were actually west coast hippies.  From 1967 to 1972, CCR  ruled the airwaves with hit after hit, not only talking about women with songs like “Susie Q” and “Sweet Hitch-Hiker”, but also making social commentary with rockers like “Fortunate Son.” And you can’t tell me you don’t crank that one whenever you hear it – if you don’t, you can feel free to go back to your Yanni.

A few bullet points underscoring CCR’s No. 2 ranking:

- CCR was at Woodstock, though nobody remembers that because the Grateful Dead played forever, putting everyone to sleep,  and CCR ended up taking the stage at 3 IN THE MORNING.

- “Proud Mary” is CCR’s song, not Tina Turner’s.  Yeah, we said it.

- “Travelin’ Band” was a precursor to practically every other song about a band hitting the road  (e.g., Bob Seger’s “Turn the Page”; Boston’s “Rock and Roll Band”; Slayer’s “Raining Blood”).

The band would later break up due to internal problems between the members, which would influence other rock lead singers to act like jerks (yeah, Axl, I’m looking at you).  John Fogerty has a somewhat successful solo career, though for the longest time he refused to play CCR songs during live shows, leading me to believe that his live shows were HUGE disappointments.  Above all, CCR had RANGE, and produced some of the most memorable rock hits during their time.

But now it’s time for the GREATEST AMERICAN ROCK BAND:

#1:

Balls Out Rock.

Van Halen is THE American Rock Band.  Hedonistic and untamed, Eddie’s wild in-your-face guitar work and David Lee Roth’s showmanship would pave the way for many of the later 80s rock acts (including our #4 Guns N Roses).  Simply put,  without Van Halen, the 80s American rock era doesn’t happen, and then what would Pearl Jam (the DP’s #5) and Nirvana have to react against?  From their eponymous first album, Van Halen declared the rules for rock had changed, and disaffected youth would never be the same.  Look at the track listing for their first: “Runnin’ With the Devil”, “Eruption/You Really Got Me”, “Ain’t Talkin’ ’bout Love”, “I’m the One”, “Jamie’s Cryin”, “Feel Your Love Tonight”.  Hell, it might as well be the soundtrack to the Camaro.

And Van Halen was no one-album wonder.  The cleverly titled Van Halen II would give us “Beautiful Girls” and “Dance the Night Away” and more Eddie and more FUN.  Van Halen epitomized the rock lifestyle and attitude, and never took themselves too seriously, particularly David Lee Roth.  Women and Children First came  next, then later Diver Down (their fourth album, Fair Warning was a weaker effort, although “Unchained” kicks ass).  Then, in 1984, Van Halen gave us their finest album, coincidentally titled 1984.

Try getting this cover approved today.

Practically every friggin’ song was a hit.  If you can’t name at least five of ‘em, you were either born after 1985 or  before 1950.

Then the fallout: different ideas about the group led David Lee Roth to go record some songs that became dated the week after Crazy From the Heat was released, and Eddie, Alex and Michael welcomed in the Red Rocker himself,  Sammy Hagar.  5150 (which produced one of our favorite VH songs, “5150″), OU812 and For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge (subtle!) were all massive commercial successes, and further cemented the fact that Van Halen was and is America’s premiere rock band.*

Of course, all good things must end.  Eddie managed to alienate Sammy who left the band to go manage his bar and continue his solo career while  Michael Anthony was unceremoniously (and unforgivably) bounced from the group for the baby-fat burdened Wolfgang.  But Van Halen is the epitome of what American rock is, and for its music, charisma, and influence on American rock, Van Halen is the DP’s choice for best American Rock Band.

*As much as some of us here at DP admire Gary Cherone/Extreme for their non-”More Than Words” work, we, like the Van Halens themselves, believe VHIII is better left ignored.

Let’s face it, almost any “greatest band ever” list ends up with the Beatles. Or Led Zeppelin, depending on what year it is and whether BRP had a say in it. To avoid this, the DP is going to add another adjective to the list, AMERICAN, and count down the top seven American Rock Bands (take that, you limey bastards!).

Yesterday saw the start of our countdown with Lynyrd Skynyrd coming in at number 7 and Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers edging the boys from the South at number 6. Now, on to number 5!

#5: Pearl Jam

"Mookie Blaylock" probably wouldn't have made our list. Fortunately, they changed the name.

The Case for: All apologies to Nirvana (get it?  HA!), but Pearl Jam is the best band to come out of the Seattle “grunge” scene in the early 1990s.  But there’s just one minor problem with that statement of fact:  Pearl Jam isn’t grunge.  They are as straight-forward rock and roll as anything America has produced.  They are America’s version of The Who (even in a sad way), an influence they wear proudly on their collective sleeve.

Listen to Ten again.  It literally washes over the listener like the waves Eddie surfed while coming up with the lyrics.   But Vs. is really their masterpiece, from the breakneck pace of “Go” through the omnipresent “Elderly Woman . . .”   They’ve also released at least 72 different live albums, setting a world record in the process.   Prolific bunch, these guys.

Why aren’t they higher on the list?: Pearl Jam kind of suffers from their early success.   “Jeremy” was done to death, and the band kind of removed themselves from the mainstream by becoming more experimental (to some, at least), daresay self-indulgent, on their subsequent studio albums.   Personally, I forgive them, but this list was compiled by committee, so what are you gonna do?

#4: Guns N Roses

The REAL Guns N Roses

The Case for: Appetite for Destruction. It is an album everyone knows and likely owns.  It is an album that damn near everyone can sing at least four songs by heart.  But most importantly, it is an album that has not grown tired.  “Welcome to the Jungle”.  “Mr. Brownstone”.  “Paradise City”.  “Sweet Child O’ Mine” (which, BTW, has probably one of the most perfectly song-suited solos ever).   This is one of the most re-listenable albums on Earth and likely extended the life of LA’s music scene (for better or worse) by a good 2 to 3 years.   Lies and the Use Your Illusion set round out the legend that is GnR, but Appetite set it in stone.

Why aren’t they higher on the list?: Two words for you:  Axl friggin’ Rose.  Spare me the arguments about why the breakup was all Slash’s fault.  Axl is the reason that Chinese Democracy 1) took 13 years to complete and release; and 2) was too much “Estranged” and not enough “Nightrain”. Thirteen years for THAT?  Yes, expectations are a bitch but damn, Axl, shouldn’t there have been more than one catchy song (“Better”)?

#3: Aerosmith

Not yet ready for their Permanent Vacation

The Case For: Are you kidding me? The real question is why aren’t these guys higher on the list (to be answered later). The boys from Boston have obviously given the world some of the most memorable and powerful rock and roll over the past 30 years, and to try and list some of their hits here would probably be insulting to you, our constant reader. Still, “Sweet Emotion“, “Mama Kin“, “Dream On“, “Walk This Way“, “Back in the Saddle“, and I probably haven’t named your favorite – their catalog goes on and on and on. Download “Toys in the Attic” and you’ll know.

Why aren’t they higher on the list?: Honestly, the case could be made that Aerosmith is the premiere rock band of the United States. But you could also argue that they’re now a watered-down version of themselves, content with writing bluesy rock ballads to be played in Michael Bay action movies and cranking out a mediocre album every few years. They haven’t really had a good album since “Pump”. But hasn’t Aerosmith paid its dues? Shouldn’t they be allowed to take it easy now that they’ve achieved rock god status? NOPE, and here’s why:

Aerosmith is still karma-deficient for being involved in this Bee Gees focused tripe. THE BEE GEES!

Tomorrow: THE TWO BEST AMERICAN ROCK BANDS…EVER!

Let’s face it, almost any “greatest band ever” list ends up with the Beatles.  Or Led Zeppelin, depending on what year it is and whether BRP had a say in it.  To avoid this, the DP is going to add another adjective to the list: American.

For those about to rock! (dammit, they're Australian!)

That’s right, forget about your Day Tripping Fab Four, leave behind those “Dazed and Confused” British heavyweights (it’s been a long time since they’ve rock and rolled), and we’re certainly not going to get any Satisfaction from Mick Jagger’s limey crew:  which red-blooded American rock and roll band is worthy of being labeled the best?  Over the next few days, the DP is going to count down the top 7 American Rock Bands (why 7?  Because 10′s too corporate!).  Get your righteous indignation ready, people!

Now, before starting the list, there are some limitations.  One, this isn’t a heavy metal list, so Metallica won’t be on it. We’re talking rock, driven by a rebellious attitude and bluesy back beats (and often hard liquor).  Two, by “band” it means a largely set group of musicians (though lineup changes can occur), each with a more or less clearly defined role in the band: guitars, bass, drummer and singer, though a singer could definitely play a guitar or the bass.

NOT ON THE LIST.

Three, being the “best” implies some longevity, so the listed bands and their music  have stood the test of time, even if, in some cases, the band members haven’t.  So even though the Foo Fighters is one of the strongest rock bands out there right now, they still don’t make the cut based on this criteria.  Sorry, Grohl and crew, check back in about 10 more years.

Let’s start with 7:

#7: Lynyrd Skynyrd

"Play some Skynyrd, man!"

The case for: Come on, they gave us “Free Bird.” Every rock concert you’ll ever go to,  some drunk who thinks he’s being clever will call out for that epic ode to leaving a woman behind because a man’s gotta be a man.  Skynyrd also gave us “Sweet Home, Alabama“, “Gimme Three Steps“, “Simple Man“, “What’s Your Name?” and, well, “That Smell” is also considered a hit.  Ronnie Van Zant’s death in a plane crash prematurely stalled Skynryd’s legacy, though his brother Johnny now fronts the band today as they continue to tour and record albums.

Why aren’t they higher on the list?: If  you want to listen to southern rock, you start and end with Skynyrd.  But they’re also not an archetypal rock band because of their southern sound.  Much of their music is slower-paced, more bluesy, and while rock and roll definitely has its roots in the blues, most listeners are not going to think of Skynyrd first when they want to rock out.

#6: Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers

Who said rock and roll was attractive?

The case for: These guys have been around since the late 70s, and have a string of memorable hits that reflect perhaps the most common topic of rock and roll: women.  “American Girl” was one of their first singles, and would later be followed up by such hits as “Refugee“, “Don’t Do Me Like That“, and “You Got Lucky“, with the biting chorus: “You got lucky, babe,  when I found you.”  That’s rock and roll, people.  Petty would also offer up a couple hits in a solo career, but he’d always come back to his Heartbreakers (though the band’s lineup would change quite often, with the core group of Petty on rhythm and vocals, Mike Campbell on lead guitars, and Stan Lynch on drums remaining consistent).

Why aren’t they higher on the list?: OK, Petty’s not your traditional vocalist – there are those who find his singing a bit off-putting.  And despite the amount of music and the variety they produced, Petty also sang a couple duets with Stevie Nicks, which is not rock, man.  Some might also argue that Petty and the Heartbreakers are a little too dependent on ballads in their catalog, but I’m going to pull the “Traveling Wilburys” card and say that his time spent with Roy Orbison refutes that claim.  Roy was the man.

Tomorrow: Numbers 3 through 5!

In my head, I’m a rock singer.  No, not just in my head – I’ve been told too many damn times that I have a “good” voice to think that I don’t have talent in the vocals department.  Yeah, after church the compliments come rolling in, and my mom was always busting my chops about joining the choir back in high school.  But I’m a teacher now, and the opportunities to show off the vox just don’t present themselves.  Those talent shows the school puts on?  They’re for the kids, man, not the teachers.

So when Rock Band came out a couple years ago it was a siren call – here was my chance to live out my rock-and-roll dreams by fronting a band made up of guys who like playing with tiny plastic guitars while I show off some REAL musical talent.  I mean, if youtube’s any indication, any six year old can master Guitar Hero on expert if they put enough time into it.  I’m out of college, married with two daughters and a job; I don’t have the requisite time to master those five buttons (and anybody’ll tell you moving from Medium to Hard is a HUGE jump- I think the game needs some re-working). But Rock Band was different. Rock Band didn’t require manual dexterity.  Rock Band offered a mic.  Hell yeah, I was gonna be the Star Dog Champion.

Reality kicked in almost immediately. One, I’m not allowed to play XBox when my wife’s home, so time that I could’ve spent rocking out was instead spent watching the Food Network.  I have a feeling that kind of thing doesn’t happen to Sammy Hagar.  Second, the song lineup did not necessarily cater to my musical stylings.   And by that I mean there were songs I didn’t know on the list.  That makes singing the songs difficult, because singing’s about confidence, not trying to read the lyrics while matching the tone of your voice to a little arrow – and speaking of which are we sure the makers of Rock Band programmed the pitch right on some of these songs in the first place?  Honestly, there’s no way I score a 79% on “Detroit Rock City” – Paul Stanley ain’t that much of a vocalist, and I sound JUST LIKE HIM when I’m jamming to KISS’s greatest hits on the way to work.

Mainly, though, unlike Guitar Hero, this game is meant for more than one player – the game is Rock Band, not Rock Singer.  I’m not quite sure, but I have a nagging feeling there’s something slightly pathetic about standing alone in front of the TV belting out the lyrics to the Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” (but, dammit, those screams make me feel so alive).  But there I am, knocking out the songs at “Hard” and even turning it up to 11 (“Expert”) when the song’s a real rocker (metal horns flying as “Run to the Hills” blares out of the speakers).

So one weekend I invite some guys over to jam.  We set up the drum kit (whose “Easy” setting is a crock.  Drummers require more coordination than I’ll ever be able to exhibit) and connect the guitars and then they start asking who’s going to sing.  I say I will.  Their response of “You will?” deflates me a bit, but I know I’m getting 94% on most songs so they’re in for a surprise.

We start out with “Don’t Fear the Reaper” and I practically ace it at the “Hard” level, and yet my bandmates don’t remark on my vocal stylings at all.  They’re looking for another song.  So we go on to STP’s “Vasoline”  and still no remarks.  Then one of the guitarists suggests we switch around, so I get a guitar and play bass while he sings Radiohead’s “Creep” and aces it.  Hell, anyone could ace that one, particularly on “Medium” where he was at.  He then goes on to sing “Interstate Love Song”, another STP, and I’m thinking I didn’t buy this game to play guitar.  “Medium” on guitar is friggin” boring, but “Hard” will lead me to fail out at some point before the solo on most songs.  So I’m stuck watching our new singer bound around my stage- er, my living room singing about leaving on a southern train on a Sunday afternoon, and I’m stuck playing a fucking plastic guitar and adding in background vocals while he gets the spotlight, the interviews, the magazine covers and all the women!

Man, the rock star life takes a toll, I’m telling you.  No wonder Dokken broke up.

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