The Daily Procrastinator

Today is a remarkable day. Not only is March 10 Chuck Norris’ birthday, but this year it’s his sixty-ninth birthday. Could any day be more worthy of celebration?

America + Chest Hair + Guns + Beard = AWESOME

Throughout his *ahem* storied career, Norris has starred in numerous movies concerning either kung fu or kicking Russian ass (oftentimes both), taken to the television airwaves as Walker, Texas Ranger, and even sold dungarees for today’s stylish but lethal casual man. One might think that such fame would be the high point of any actor’s career, but bigger things were in store.

I’m not really sure how it happened, but Chuck Norris has recently become a more talked-about celebrity than ever before. Considering that the only starring roles he’s had lately are in those Total Gym commercials, this seems rather curious. A small but cultish faction of Americans, for some odd reason, have decided that Chuck Norris is the greatest thing since the invention of kung fu, and they’re idolizing him accordingly.

A few simple clicks on the internet will reveal Chuck Norris t-shirts, Chuck Norris video clips, Chuck Norris cards for Magic: the Gathering, and hundreds of Chuck Norris one-liners. If you haven’t heard any of these, you’re missing out. Here are a few of my favorites:

• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• Chuck Norris may not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
• Jesus’ bracelet says WWCND?
• CNN was originally created as the Chuck Norris Network, to update Americans with on-the-spot ass-kicking in real time.
• There is no “ctrl” button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
• All 99 of Jay-Z’s problems are Chuck Norris.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, rest assured that he can see you. If you cannot see Chuck Norris, you may be just moments from death.
• There is no chin beneath Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. (This one was actually referenced in an episode of Family Guy. See below.)

Brian is DOOMED.

So…does all of this Chuck-Norris-mania make any kind of sense? Not really. On the other hand, who cares if it makes sense? It’s AWESOME!

Happy Birthday, Chuck.