The Daily Procrastinator

Juggernaut [Editor's Note: who will be acting as editor on this post] and I are identical twins – we were born 2 minutes apart [Editor's Note: I'm 2 minutes older] a little over 37 years ago and grew up sharing the same bedroom until we left for separate colleges. (sidenote: our younger brother had his own room, the little bastard. Thanks, Mom and Dad). As twins, we’ve received our fair share of inane questions: “Do you feel it if your brother gets hurt?” (answer: no. Punching myself in my face apparently hurts only me); “Why aren’t your names alliterative?” (answer: because our parents loved us); “You and your brother want to try a threesome?” (answer: actually, we’ve never been asked that before. [Editor's Note: Thank God.] And the answer would be NO – even though Juggernaut’s my brother, that’d STILL be the bad type of threesome).

Beyond the stupid questions, though, I’d still say I’ve enjoyed being a twin, and it’s going to be awfully hard on me when Juggs dies first. I’ll miss him. [Editor's Note: THE ONLY WAY I'M DYING FIRST IS IF YOU KILL ME.] We do have a closer relationship with one another than I think most siblings have (much to our wives’ chagrin), and it’s led to occasional wonderment on the part of our mutual friends when they see us together, which is rare as we live in different cities and Juggernaut seems to think he never has to come visit. [Editor's Note: Unlike some people, demands are made of my time and I don't have summers and every school holiday off.] We do tend to know what we’re going to say or how we’ll react to a given situation. We also have many of the same mannerisms, which is probably to be expected seeing as how we lived in the same room for 18 long years (thanks again, Mom and Dad!). BigRedPoet will tell you that Juggernaut and I are indistinguishable on the phone. BRP once spent a couple minutes talking to Juggernaut thinking he was me as he was driving up to Dallas to meet us for a concert. We don’t intentionally dress alike (in fact, quite the opposite: in school we would go out of our way to make sure we were not wearing similar clothing, which probably accounts for the fact that we rarely fell into the various clothing fads during high school), though one time I returned home from college and walked in the door to find Juggernaut dressed in identical clothing, right down to the brown woven belts we both wore. He immediately changed his shirt. [Editor's Note: Absolutely true story. The family's laughter still rings in my ears.]

The point is that while we’re twins and share the same DNA, we’re different people. [Editor's Note: For example, I outweigh FC by about 40 lbs. I actually spend time in the weight room.] Though just how different is something I wonder about at times, and maybe Juggernaut does, too (psychic link isn’t working right now). [Editor's Note: Not working on his end, apparently.] So I’ve devised a test of a suitably trivial nature in order to satisfy my curiosity about our “connection,” so to speak. Juggernaut and I are going to each individually create a CD containing 20 songs and trade the discs next time we get together. There will be no communication about what songs we’re including, and there will be no list when the discs are traded. There will also be no “rick-rolling.” We each are attempting to give the other a collection of music that we believe the other one will enjoy.

Now, the real question is this: how many of the songs we each select will be the same (if any)? Also, will there be a discernible pattern to the songs in how they’re arranged on the disc? Consider this: both my twin and I have access to over 75,000 songs on our separated-by-150-miles hard drives (b/c a former student loaned me the hard drive of a defunct classic rock station), so it’s not like we’re just selecting music we’ve bought over our lifetimes – we have access to pretty much everything. Also, while both of us are longtime metal heads, we’ve both agreed not to merely give a CD containing 20 Anthrax/Slayer/Metallica/Megadeth songs, no matter how awesome that might be. [Editor's Note: And it WOULD be awesome.]

We’ll each report back once we exchange the discs and have a chance to give some thought as to our selections. [Editor's Note: This sounds suspiciously like a way to force me to write another post.] If nothing else, it should be entertaining to hear what Juggernaut has to say about the songs I’ve selected for him.

As a writer, a reader, and a functionally intelligent person, very few things grate on my nerves more than blatant misuses of the English language. After reading that first sentence, some people will roll their eyes and think, “Here we go again. Another English snob is about to get on his soapbox. It doesn’t matter if I speak proper English, as long as people understand me.” Wrong! Unless you’re a wallflower or a stalker, your spoken English is one of the first things a new acquaintance is likely to notice about you. Depending upon who your new acquaintance is, speaking improper English could cost you a new friendship, a date, or even a job. It could also cause you to be mocked mercilessly as soon as you’re out of earshot.

ENGLISH, MUTHAF@%#ER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?

It doesn’t take much effort to speak proper English, and the effort will pay remarkable dividends. In a world which is deeply concerned (even obsessed, I might say) with image, I’m shocked at how many people ignore the effect their spoken English has on their images.

I’m not going to point out such linguistic faux pas as “irregardless” and “a whole nother.” Doubtless, if you care about your spoken English at all, you already avoid these mistakes. Allow me to point out, though, a few other quick-fix ideas for polishing your spoken English so you can project an intelligent image.

Collective Nouns: I recently read an article about a shark attack, which is a pretty awesome topic. The following sentence, though, is not awesome.

The group were about to leave the deep waters south of the Mississippi River’s mouth, when Mr. McInnis found himself alone in the company of a tiger shark.

The problem here is that the writer’s subject, “group,” is a collective noun, which is a linguistic stumbling block for many people. Collective nouns are nouns for collections of things (obviously). Examples include words like: family, flock, team. Because these collections contain many members (a flock is made up of many birds, for example), people tend to make the mistake of using the verb conjugation that should be associated with plural nouns. This is why the above writer incorrectly chose “were.” The mistake is simple. No matter how many people are in the group, there’s still just one group. Thus, the noun “group” calls for verbs that would accompany a singular subject. After revision, the sentence should read as follows.

The group was about to leave the deep waters south of the Mississippi River’s mouth, when Mr McInnis found himself alone in the company of a tiger shark.

Before we leave this sentence, I must also point out that one cannot possibly be “alone in the company of a tiger shark.” The word “alone” implies that one is…well…alone.

Pronoun/Antecedent Agreement: Here’s another mistake I hear constantly. In general conversation, sentences like this one are not uncommon:

Whenever a co-worker gives you a gift, you should send them a thank-you note.

This speaker’s pronoun, “them,” does not agree with his antecedent, “co-worker.” The pronoun is plural, while the antecedent is clearly singular. There are two ways to fix this little blunder. One possibility is to insert singular pronouns which match the singular antecedent.

Whenever a co-worker gives you a gift, you should send him or her a thank-you note.

The other option is to change the antecedent to a plural so that it agrees with the plural pronoun.

Whenever co-workers give you gifts, you should send them thank-you notes.

Improper Uses of “You”: This is probably the most commonly occurring error on the list. Apparently, it has become impolite, inappropriate, or uncool to talk about oneself at all. For example, during a recent conversation about memorable vacations, a friend made the following statement.

When we were near the top of Mt. Fuji, the view was amazing. You could see for miles.

Instantly, I thought, “I could? I could? I most certainly could not! I wasn’t even there!” Somehow, though, my friend found it appropriate to use a second-person pronoun. Why? A friend of mine who teaches keeps a running list of her favorite misuses of “you.” Here are some of the highlights:

• When you do cocaine, your pulse races and your pupils dilate.
• There is no shock like the shock you feel when your girlfriend dumps you.
• When you kill someone, you do not deserve to live in prison.

To the best of my knowledge, my friend does not use hard narcotics, is not a lesbian, and has never killed anyone, no matter how badly she wants to. Improper uses of “you,” though, have implied that she does all of these things.

Be careful, procrastinators. Your spoken English makes a lasting impression on those around you, and you don’t want to be remembered as an ignoramus. You also don’t want Samuel L. Jackson to be angry with you.

Ah, prom night: the source of many exes.

Ah, Facebook: the place where the past meets present, sometimes with jarring results.  Childhood friends, recent colleagues and family members mingle in a “worlds collide” sort of way.  It’s a fascinating social experiment.

I was chatting with a Facebook friend/colleague recently when he asked me, “What’s your xCount?”  This was his own personal term — one that I must admit that I love — for the exes that have crawled out of the woodwork and once again made themselves part of your life.  

I scanned my list of friends.  ”I’ve got two… and a half,” I told him.  He told me that you can’t count anyone as a half, but I think that a prom date who appeared in pictures but actually spent the night sitting in the lobby outside the hotel ballroom qualifies as something less than a full xCount point.  And believe me, after that fiasco at 17, I was thoroughly shocked to see that he wanted to connect with me.

He had four full-fledged exes on his list, not including one whose request he rejected outright.  ”Sometimes, the requests are just too creepy.”  Many of my friends agree.  There was the one who was contacted by the guy who stalked her after they broke up.  Another got a request from the girlfriend who had certain… uh… shall we call them “unique” sexual proclivities?  And what about that guy you hooked up with after the frat party sophomore year?  From first loves to major heartbreaks, they’re all out there, and they just might be looking for you.

Who's in my inbox? I can't bring myself to look.

What prompts exes to want to get in touch again, especially those that you haven’t spoken to in a decade or more?  As for mine, I still have a good relationship — albeit separated by time and distance — with one of them, and accepted the second just out of a ridiculous sense of curiosity.  You know the kind.  They’re the ones whose request is met with audible talking back to the computer.  ”Oh my god, John Doe?  How the hell did he find me?”  These requests are met with a connection, a few obligatory messages back and forth, and the obligatory Googling of their name to figure out what they’ve been doing since the 90s.

His story was slightly different.  He had one with fond memories who had sent the occasional Christmas card, one who had been a complete WTF entry, and two who were clearly taking Google stalking to the next level.  ”I don’t mind connecting with them,” he said, “but it’s a little weird that they have to respond to everything I post, as though they’re spending their days just waiting for me to update my status.”  Weird, indeed.

It seems that nearly everyone has an xCount greater than zero.  An informal survey of friends reveals xCount numbers between 3 and 9, each bringing varying levels of discomfort and baggage with them.  One, however, through the benefits of a new married surname and a move to a new continent has managed to avoid the xCount concept altogether, and was stunned to learn that I had an xCount.  

“I mean it’s lovely that they want to get in touch and it speaks volumes about your effect on their lives ….and yet: eeeeek.  I always wondered if I was crazy/unfriendly for not wanting contact or if the crazies were the ones who did.”

There’s no shortage of posts about this very topic.  This one talks about being the one that’s obsessed with the ex on Facebook.  This one talks about the shock of seeing the photo of the ex appear in the inbox.  Yet another talks about why your ex should never see your Facebook account.

Should you friend exes?  Only you know for sure.  Of course, you could always accept their invitation, learn everything you need to know about them, and then stealthily “unfriend” the person, leaving them to discover your passive-aggressive acceptance and rejection at their leisure.  But does that make you more or less creepy than the creepy ex that you’re trying to avoid?