The Daily Procrastinator

Dear John Edwards,

It’s me again. Remember me? I kind of ripped you a new one back in September. Well, today the New York Times reports that you’ve admitted that little Frances Quinn Hunter is yours.

From the Times report: ”To all those I have disappointed and hurt, these words will never be enough, but I am truly sorry,” Edwards said in his statement on Thursday.

You’re right, John. It won’t ever be enough. Because even if you’re there for her for the next 40 years of her life, it won’t ever make up for the fact that trying to salvage your political career was more important to you than your own child. But I suppose that on the bright side, you’ve got plenty of time to spend with all of your kids now that you don’t have a political future.

Oh, and as for the reports that you and Elizabeth have split? Good for her. It’s just a pity that she didn’t take a cue from the Elin Woods playbook as she sent you packing.

A new Spider-Man is coming at you in 2012

According to this article, Sony has decided to reboot the Spider-Man franchise now that director Sam Raimi has told the powers that be that he cannot meet the desired deadline for the 4th film (matters of artistic integrity, it seems).  I’m not entirely sad about this news, as Raimi’s penchant for ridiculous humor really irritated me at times, but he did give us the second Spider-Man movie, probably the third best superhero movie out there (after Iron Man and Dark Knight).   It also means that I won’t have to suffer through Tobey Maguire as  Peter Parker anymore – has there been a more uninteresting one-note actor? – nor will I any longer have to accept Kirsten Dunst as supermodel Mary Jane Watson.

There are, however, a couple things that really irritate me about this move by Sony.  One, I’m going to have to suffer through another origin movie when the next Spider-Man movie comes out.  I’d love to know how many audience members at a Spider-Man film are truly ignorant of how milquetoast Parker got his spider-powers. Two, I have no trust whatsoever that Sony and its hand-picked director will bother staying  true to the source material; Spider-Man 3 was clearly movie-by-committee, trying to incorporate too many plot points and too many villains (I dislike Venom, anyway), and I think Raimi’s hands were tied to a degree by corporate decree.  But then there’s the news of which direction the 4th movie would have gone: John Malkovich as  The Vulture and an actress to be names later as the Vulturess.  The Vulture – another flying villain and an octogenarian at that?  What about the Lizard, whose alter-ego, Dr. Curt Connors, has been seen in both the second and third films? And for the non-Spider-Man readers out there: there’s no such villainess as the Vulturess – never has been.  And the name’s stupid, too.

A much better choice of villain for Spider-Man

I suspect the powers-that-be at Sony want a younger cast with a more open direction, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that – it worked wonders for Batman – but I also worry that they will sacrifice character in favor of marketing numbers.  Spider-Man is the biggest name in the Marvel pantheon, and Sony’s only real motivation will be money, as they know that fans of the character will continue to pay to see the films.

What I really wish is that Marvel Studios could buy back the rights to the character – a definite possibility since Disney has purchased the House of Ideas.  As seen with Iron Man and the latest Hulk film, when Marvel has final say-so over the script and production values, they turn out some truly incredible films.  Let’s hope that, no matter who ends up producing the new Spider-Man films, quality story-telling will win out.

Though I fear history suggests otherwise.

Welcome back to “Beast or Bust?”, the weekly column in which I, BigRedPoet, offer my predictions for the following week’s NFL games in the hope that you can use this information to improve your fantasy football team.

For the purposes of this feature, I will make reference to Yahoo’s projected statistics. Luckily, I don’t expect statistics to vary much between fantasy football sites, so non-Yahoo users aren’t left out in the cold. Your “Beast” will be a player who I expect to exceed his projections by at least 5 points, and your “Bust” will be a player who I predict will come up at least 5 points short of what’s expected. I’ll also toss in an “OMG” pick each week; this will be a player who’s projected to score less than 5 points, and who will rise from relative obscurity to deliver an unexpected and outstanding performance. If the NFL slate for the week is particularly juicy, I might predict multiple players in any or all of those categories.

As it turns out, I’m finding that 5 points is a REALLY big margin of difference between the projections and these guys’ actual performances. This is difficult! My win/loss ratio is starting to look laughable. Think you can do better? I challenge you to post comments with your own beast, bust, and OMG.

Week 7 Beast: 49ers WR Michael Crabtree

Well, look who decided to accept the paltry sum of 17 million dollars (at the very least, and 40 million at best) to finally come play some football. Even though I think his holdout was one of the premiere bonehead moves of the decade, I can’t deny that Michael Crabtree is a beast. According to official reports, Crabtree is going to be on the field often during the 49ers’ week 7 game, and there’s a “strong possibility” that he will start. I wouldn’t be surprised, considering that the other WR options in San Francisco are Isaac “Grandpa” Bruce and Josh “Who?” Morgan. Projected for just 6.25 points, equal to 62 total yards, Crabtree possesses the talents to eclipse those numbers by a mile, particularly against Houston’s fairly user-friendly defense. This will be Crabtree’s first NFL game, and trusting a total greenhorn is always a risk, but I see enough upside here to start him at WR3 in just about any league.

My Prediction: 80 yards, 1 touchdown

Week 7 Bust: Panthers WR Steve Smith

That’s right. I’m calling out former monster Steve Smith of the Carolina Panthers, even though he’s only projected for 7.6 points, to fall short of his projections by five. I don’t think he’s gonna do jack in week 7. Take a look at the situation: 1) Jake Delhomme is terrible. He’s a turnover machine. To quote Brad Evans, I’ve turned “Delhommophobic.” 2) Carolina faces Buffalo in week 7, a team that surrenders a league-worst 181.2 yards per game rushing. DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart are going to carry the ball constantly, particularly since Dehomme sucks. 3) The entire defensive backfield will be focused on shutting Smith down. Carolina’s only other WR is Muhsin Muhammad, who I trust about as far as Delhomme can throw. 4) Smith is at odds with his team, sayin after last week’s game that he “no longer feels like an asset” to the Panthers. That can’t be good. Smith’s week is doomed, procrastinators.

My Prediction: 2 catches, 20 yards, no touchdowns

Week 7 OMG: Vikings WR Sidney Rice

We all know that the Vikings are still Adrian Peterson’s team, but the addition of Favre has breathed considerable life back into the Minnesota passing game. Rice is an emerging young talent who’s posted a couple of outstanding stat lines this season, particularly last week, as he caught 6 passes for 176 yards. I don’t think he’s likely to repeat that monster performance this week, but he’s in a position to score pretty well. The Vikings are likely to go to the air often against the Steelers, who are awfully stout against the run. Projected for just 5.04, equal to 50 total yards, Rice will prove useful to fantasy owners with the guts to start him.

My prediction: 70 yards, 1 touchdown

I’m all about accountability. Each week, after I offer my predictions, I’ll take credit for the previous week’s success and/or eat crow over last week’s dismal failure.

Week 6 Picks

• Beast: Nate Burleson
• Projected Score: 9.79
• Actual Score: 4.0

Allow me to quote rotowire.com: Seattle had a dreadful game offensively, and Burleson had a season-low five targets. It’s all the more disappointing considering the Seahawks were facing the league’s worst pass defense. The conditions were right. The Seahawks blew it. I lose.

• Bust: Clinton Portis
• Projected Score: 14.27
• Actual Score: 10.4

At this point, I’m a victim to my own rules. Portis did underperform, but not as miserably as I needed him to in order to fulfill my “five points under” requirement. I REALLY want partial credit, here. I didn’t make provisions for that, though. I lose. Crap.

• OMG: Kellen Winslow
• Projected Score: 4.95
• Actual Score: 2.9

Huh. I guess catching everything in his general vicinity and scoring two touchdowns in week 5 isn’t enough to make the Bucs trust Winslow with a few targets in week 6. I’m baffled. I lose.

BRP’s win/loss ratio: 4/14

Welcome back to “Beast or Bust?”, the weekly column in which I, BigRedPoet, offer my predictions for the following week’s NFL games in the hope that you can use this information to improve your fantasy football team.

For the purposes of this feature, I will make reference to Yahoo’s projected statistics. Luckily, I don’t expect statistics to vary much between fantasy football sites, so non-Yahoo users aren’t left out in the cold. Your “Beast” will be a player who I expect to exceed his projections by at least 5 points, and your “Bust” will be a player who I predict will come up at least 5 points short of what’s expected. I’ll also toss in an “OMG” pick each week; this will be a player who’s projected to score less than 5 points, and who will rise from relative obscurity to deliver an unexpected and outstanding performance. If the NFL slate for the week is particularly juicy, I might predict multiple players in any or all of those categories.

As it turns out, I’m finding that 5 points is a REALLY big margin of difference between the projections and these guys’ actual performances. This is difficult! My win/loss ratio is starting to look laughable. Think you can do better? I challenge you to post comments with your own beast, bust, and OMG.

Week 6 Beast: Seahawks WR Nate Burleson

Burleson has been a bit sketchy so far this season, to say the least. In fact, according to Yahoo, he’s only owned in 80% of leagues. If he’s a free agent in your league, go add him. Now. Burleson’s poor performances in the early weeks had a name: Seneca Wallace. With Seahawks starting QB Matt Hasselbeck sidelined by injury, the ‘Hawks were forced to start Wallace, who just isn’t good. Last week, being targeted by a healthy Hasselbeck, Burleson caught 6 passes for 98 yards and two touchdowns. This week, in The Batttle Of The Birds, the Seahawks face the Cardinals, who have the league’s worst pass defense. Expect Burleson to have another huge game. Projected for just 9.79 points, equal to 97 total yards or 37 total yards and a touchdown, Burleson is poised to defy expectations.

My prediction: 120 yards, 1-2 touchdowns

Bonus Beast: Eagles TE Brent Celek

Week 6 Bust: Redskins RB Clinton Portis

Sure, Portis had a good week last week, posting 74 yards and two touchdowns. Let’s look back into weeks 1-4, though. He scored 7.2, 8.8, 4.8, and 9.8 points in the season’s first four contests. This week, Yahoo is projecting Portis for 14.27 points against the Chiefs, which would require 142 total yards or 82 yards and a touchdown. Granted, the Chiefs suck. On the other hand, Portis is older than God, and he’s suffering from the cumulative effects of various injuries. The most recent is a calf issue which has him listed on this week’s injury report and participating only partially in practice. Adding to my skepticism, the Chiefs’ front line is banged up this week, and they’ll be starting some second-stringers. I just don’t trust this situation. Call it a hunch. Call it his performance early this season. Call it whatever you want, but make sure you put Portis on the bench this week.

My prediction: 75 yards, no touchdowns

Week 6 OMG: Buccaneers TE Kellen Winslow

I know that Winslow has really only had one big week this season. I also know that the Bucs, as a general rule, are bad. On the other hand, I know that Kellen Winslow has a ton and a half of raw talent, and his week 6 opponent, Carolina, although they’re awfully good at shutting down wide receivers, has major struggles covering tight ends. Last week, Winslow hauled in 9 catches for 102 yards and two touchdowns. Quarterback Josh Johnson MUST have noticed. On a team where the only other reliable receiver is Antonio Bryant, who’s  currently hobbled by knee issues, Winslow is by far the most likely Bucs player to post useful fantasy numbers in week 6. While he’s projected for 4.95 points, equal to just 49 total yards, I think the can have a considerably better day as Johnson’s go-to guy.

My prediction: 65 yards, 1 touchdown

I’m all about accountability. Each week, after I offer my predictions, I’ll take credit for the previous week’s success and/or eat crow over last week’s dismal failure.

Week 5 Picks

• Beast: Bernard Berrian
• Projected Score: 7.0
• Actual Score: 3.9

What can I say? I’m starting to think that being chosen as BRP’s Beast is the kiss of death. It’s like the Best New Artist grammy or the cover of Madden. I lose.

• Bust: Tim Hightower
• Projected Score: 11.71
• Actual Score: 10.7

Sigh. Contrary to the “BRP Beast Effect,” it seems that being chosen as the Bust virtually assures a player of having a decent week. I lose. Again.

• OMG: Mohamed Massaquoi
• Projected Score: 2.97
• Actual Score: 1.6

Are you still reading my predictions under the illusion that they’re going to help you? If so, I’m afraid that you might need to think twice about where you get your fantasy advice. I lose. Again. Again.

BRP’s win/loss ratio: 4/11

Welcome back to “Beast or Bust?”, the weekly column in which I, BigRedPoet, offer my predictions for the following week’s NFL games in the hope that you can use this information to improve your fantasy football team.

For the purposes of this feature, I will make reference to Yahoo’s projected statistics. Luckily, I don’t expect statistics to vary much between fantasy football sites, so non-Yahoo users aren’t left out in the cold. Your “Beast” will be a player who I expect to exceed his projections by at least 5 points, and your “Bust” will be a player who I predict will come up at least 5 points short of what’s expected. I’ll also toss in an “OMG” pick each week; this will be a player who’s projected to score less than 5 points, and who will rise from relative obscurity to deliver an unexpected and outstanding performance. If the NFL slate for the week is particularly juicy, I might predict multiple players in any or all of those categories.

As it turns out, I’m finding that 5 points is a REALLY big margin of difference between the projections and these guys’ actual performances. This is difficult! My win/loss ratio is starting to look laughable. Think you can do better? I challenge you to post comments with your own beast, bust, and OMG.

Week 5 Beast: Vikings WR Bernard Berrian

Berrian’s receptions and yards have been awfully consistent this year. He went 4/81, 6/46, 4/56, and 6/75 and a TD in the fist four weeks of the season. Last week, in his first contest againt the Packers, Vikings QB Favre stepped up his game to a level I haven’t seen from him in a long long time, completing 24 of 31 for 271 yards and 3 TDs. It was a pretty inspired performance, and all over the country people suddenly realized that while, yes, this is still AP’s team, the passing game can work, too. The Vikings face the pathetic defense of the Rams this week, and I expect Favre to have another big day. One of the beneficiaries of his success will be downfield threat Bernard Berrian. Yahoo projects just 7.0 points for Berrian, which equals 70 total yards or 10 total yards and a touchdown. Even though AP is going to return to his role of carrying this team on his back, Favre will go downfield when the Rams put about ten guys in the box.

My prediction: 5 catches, 85 yards, 1 TD 

Week 5 Bust: Cardinals RB Tim Hightower

Several factors lead me to believe that Hightower is fully benchable this week. First of all, he’s only had one decent game this year. Against San Francisco in week 1 and Indy in week 3, he was absolutely shut down, gaining a combined 37 yards on a combined 17 carries. Granted, he rushes against the Texans in week 5, and the Texans’ run defense is pretty miserable. However, that leads me to reason number two: the Texans have a remarkably potent offense, as do the Cardinals. This game is going to be a shootout, and running backs generally don’t fare too well in such games. Warner, Fitz, and Boldin could have huge days. Heck, Steve Breaston and Jerheme Urban might even post semi-useful fantasy stats, but I’m betting Hightower gets left out in the cold. One of his main strengths is catching the ball out of the backfield, in which case he becomes the linebackers’ problem more than the defensive line’s. It just so happens that (reason three) the Texans have a pretty solid group of linebackers, including standout rookie Brian Cushing and every-year beast DeMeco Ryans. Although Yahoo is predicting 11.71 points for Hightower, equal to 117 total yards or 51 total yards and a touchdown, I just don’t see it happening.

My prediction: 65 yards rushing, no TDs

Week 5 OMG:Browns WR Mohamed Massoquoi

The Browns have finally parted ways with Braylon “Banana Hands” Edwards, trading him to the Jets for “wide receiver Chansi Stuckey, linebacker Jason Trusnik and two undisclosed draft choices,” according to online reports. Braylon is a beast in the raw talent department, but he’s always been a bit of a bust in the area of refined skills. Here’s hoping New York treats him well. Meanwhile, back in the MidWest, Mohamed Massaquoi just rose to the top of Cleveland’s depth chart. While the teams roster lists exactly zero talented quarterbacks, somebody has to catch the ball once in a while. He caught just one pass in each of his first two games of the season, but he showed off his potentially eye-popping talent in week 4, catching 8 passes for 148 yards. The Browns face Buffalo in week 5, and the Bills are giving up 226 passing yards per game this season, surrendering 6 touchdowns through the air so far. Projected for just 2.97 fantasy points, equal to just under 30 total yards, Massaquoi will prove the Yahoo prognosticators wrong.

My prediction: 5 catches, 105 yards, 1 TD 

I’m all about accountability. Each week, after I offer my predictions, I’ll take credit for the previous week’s success and/or eat crow over last week’s dismal failure.

Week 4 Picks

• Beast: Cedric Benson
• Projected Score: 15.05
• Actual Score: 8.6

Some people have argued that Cedric Benson is physically incapable of being a reliable fantasy RB option. Until this week, I thought ol’ Ced was proving them wrong in 2009. Then he choked against the Bengals. I was surprised, but I guess I shouldn’t have been. Choking at inopportune moments is the defintion of “unreliable,” right? I lose.

• Bust: Thomas Jones
• Projected Score: 9.2
• Actual Score: 10.8

I predicted Jones for 40 yards and no touchdowns. Unfortunately, he managed 48 yards (I was close!) but also managed to stumble across the goal line. It was an uninspiring performance, but I still lose.

• OMG: Earl Bennett
• Projected Score: 4.77
• Actual Score: 3.2

Huh. This makes three in a row. I may need to give up this prognistication business. Apparently, I don’t have the gift. This should be obvious, as I’m 0-4 in one of my fantasy leagues. Of course, I’m 4-0 in the other, so I may keep plugging along.

BRP’s win/loss ratio: 4/8

It is with no small amount of fanfare that I would like to make an announcement: I, TallGirl, am a runner.

You’re probably shrugging your shoulders.  People run all the time, right?  And even I have run a couple of half marathons in the past.  But here’s the thing: even in the middle of training for 13.1-mile runs, I never felt like a runner.  It was hard.  It was grueling.  It was about as pleasant as listening to my in-laws rant about how my best friend is singlehandedly going to ruin the world because she is… a registered Democrat. (Insert your shocked, audible gasp here.)  I would come home from a run completely demoralized, with my joints aching.  My back would be so tight that I couldn’t even bend over to touch my toes.  It hurt.  Running sucked.

I’ve never been much of an athlete.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t like sports.  It simply means that I’ve lacked the coordination and skill to be good at them.  But it’s one thing to not be good at basketball or baseball, and another thing to not be good at running.  It’s running.  I’ve been doing it since I was a toddler.  Why did the enjoyment elude me?

People told me that it wasn’t fun because of my height.  My body simply wasn’t designed for this, they’d say.  But I just couldn’t believe that this was true.  Sure, I’m a six-footer, but I’m carrying around less weight than most 5′6″ women that I know, and physics seems to indicate that weight, not height, should be more of a factor.  So after my last injury, I started doing what a research geek does best: I read.  A lot.  And while there are dozens of sources and studies that I read online, it was all largely encapsulated in Born to Run, a book so chock-full of “a-ha!” moments that I wanted to immediately go out for a run.

I ditched my orthotics.  I changed my shoes.  I changed my stride.  I practiced and concentrated and focused on what I was doing, rather than just pounding the pavement.  And by god, it worked.  Not only have I not re-injured that tendon that sidelined me for the first eight months of the year, but I’ve increased my speed by 25%.  I come home happy, relaxed and limber enough that I can not only touch my toes, I can reach beyond them.  And every morning, I look forward to going out for my run.  YMMV.

It’s not to late to become a runner.  Really.  I’m proof.

For most of my life, I hated hot sauce.  It’s not that I don’t like the heat — I’ll eat nearly any kind of chicken that’s drenched in wing sauce, and that’s little more than hot sauce and butter — so there was really no plausible explanation for my aversion to the stuff.  And then, in the waning days of my 20s, a coworker shared a secret: I didn’t hate hot sauce.  What I hated was Tabasco.

Drop your regular hot sauce and give this a try.

With all due respect to the McIlhenny family, there isn’t a drop of flavor in the classic Tabasco hot sauce.  Heat, yes; I learned the hard way from cleaning up a shattered bottle that the stuff burns like hell if it gets into a cut or hangnail.  But flavor?  No.

I tried several other brands of sauce, but the classic pepper sauce that I settled on as my personal favorite was Cholula.  Try it on an omelette someday.  Trust me, it’s a whole new flavor experience.

But then, one day at Chipotle, I noticed that Tabasco had two other flavors: milder jalapeno and, appropriately, chipotle.  I tried both and while the jalapeno isn’t bad, I find the green color to be a total turnoff.  But the deep red, smoky flavor of the chipotle won me over.  I love this stuff.  If I didn’t already have too much crap in my bag, I’d carry a bottle around with me to salvage mediocre burritos and tacos (and possibly breakfasts).

Do yourself a favor: if you enjoy flavor more than just heat, give this stuff a try.  Better yet, invite me along for a burrito.

Welcome back to “Beast or Bust?”, the weekly column in which I, BigRedPoet, offer my predictions for the following week’s NFL games in the hope that you can use this information to improve your fantasy football team.

For the purposes of this feature, I will make reference to Yahoo’s projected statistics. Luckily, I don’t expect statistics to vary much between fantasy football sites, so non-Yahoo users aren’t left out in the cold. Your “Beast” will be a player who I expect to exceed his projections by at least 5 points, and your “Bust” will be a player who I predict will come up at least 5 points short of what’s expected. I’ll also toss in an “OMG” pick each week; this will be a player who’s projected to score less than 5 points, and who will rise from relative obscurity to deliver an unexpected and outstanding performance. If the NFL slate for the week is particularly juicy, I might predict multiple players in any or all of those categories.

Week 4 Beast: Bengals RB Cedric Benson

Last year (and the year before, and the year before that) it looked like Benson’s beastly college career just didn’t translate into the NFL. In 2009, though, the Coolio lookalike is running like a new man. So far, he’s posted 76 yards and a TD against Denver, 141 yards against Green Bay, and 76 yards and a TD against Pittsburgh. Those are three pretty stout defenses. Benson’s week 4 opponent, Cleveland, is decidedly not stout. In fact, they’re giving up 184 yards per game to opposing RBs this season. They’ve given up 8 rushing TDs in three weeks. Benson is the only guy carrying the ball in Cincinati. He’s going to blow up against the Browns. Yahoo projects 15.05 points, which would require either 150 total yards or 90 total yards and a touchdown. I would never have said this in past years, but I think Benson can outscore those numbers considerably.

My prediction: 120 yards, 2 touchdowns

Bonus Beast: 49ers RB Glen Coffee

He’s projected for 13.03, but he’s going to TORCH the Rams. ‘Nuff said.

(Edit: Look here. Evans is stealin’ my ideas. I wrote it first!)

Week 4 Bust: Jets RB Thomas Jones

In week 1, Jones blew up against the Texans, and fantasy football owners swooned with visions that he was the same back who kicked some serious ass in 2008. In the two weeks since, though, he’s been a genuine dud. He carried 14 times for 54 yards in week 2 (3.9 average), and earned just 20 yards on 14 carries in week 3 (1.4 average). Ouch. This week, the Jets face New Orleans. The Saints are almost certain to open up a huge lead early, and the Jets will be forced to throw the ball in an effort to keep up. To complicate matters, Jones is splitting carries with Leon Washington, who has looked pretty impressive, averaging 4.0 yards per carry on the season. Between the Jets’ need to throw, Jones’ loathsome performances in the past couple weeks, and Leon Washington’s intrusion, I just don’t trust Thomas Jones to earn the 9.2 points Yahoo is projecting for him. Look for him to crash and burn.

My prediction: 40 yards, no touchdowns

Week 4 OMG: Bears WR Earl Bennett

Earl Bennett is quietly having a strong season in the Bears’ WR corps. He’s racked up 13 receptions (tied for team lead) for 168 yards (second on the team). He’s established himself as a reliable target for Cutler. As the Bears face the miserable Lions this weekend, Bennett will post another handful of receptions. I also think he’ll find the end zone for the first time this year. The Detroit defense is likely to focus heavily on Devin Hester, who is Cutler’s primary downfield threat, and Bennett will be able to find holes in the coverage. Projected for just 4.77 points, Bennett will be a pleasant surprise in week 4.

My prediction: 60 yards, 1 touchdown

I’m all about accountability. Each week, after I offer my predictions, I’ll take credit for the previous week’s success and/or eat crow over last week’s dismal failure.

Week 3 Picks

• Beast: Matt Forte
• Projected Score: 13.75
• Actual Score: 10.6

Well. I don’t know what to say here except that I’m genuinely surprised. Forte’s sophomore slump appears to be more drastic than I’d imagined. He’s carried 59 times for 150 yards on the season, which gives him an average of 2.5 yards per carry. He hasn’t scored a touchdown yet, either. I humbly apologize to any fantasy owner who took my advice and placed faith in Forte to break out against the wimpy Seahawks defense. I lose.

• Bust: Mario Manningham
• Projected Score: 12.75
• Actual Score: 5.5

My prediction for Manningham was 65 yards and no touchdowns. It turns out that he decided to further emphasize his Bust status by gaining just 55 yards. He may blow up occasionally, but this guy is not an every-week auto start. I win.

• OMG: Eddie Royal
• Projected Score: 4.06
• Actual Score: 0.4

Damn. I felt really good about Royal’s chances to come to life. While this pick results in a resounding loss for me, I’m not giving up on Royal. In fact, one owner in my league *coughFlashCapcough* dropped him out of spite, and I’ve picked him up and plan to start him in week 4. He’s too good to stay dormant.

• BRP’s win/loss ratio: 4/5

Coming soon to your living room?

I remember my first 3-D movie: it was Jaws 3-D, and the memory of that 35 foot long (no shit) great white shark exploding and half of its jaw bone floating right before my eyes is something I still recall fairly vividly today.

Meh. The shark still looks fake

But that’s probably because I was 10 years old at the time. The novelty of wearing those cardboard glasses and seeing the images pop out at me made that abomination of a movie different, but definitely not better. Memories of watching non-3-D movies like Star Wars and Raiders of the Lost Ark are just as vivid in my mind.

Flash forward, oh, 20+ years later and the 3-D movie experience hasn’t changed all that much: we’re still expected to wear the glasses (now plastic and at a surcharge) and, perhaps beyond a few scenes, the 3-D experience doesn’t add a heck of a lot to the Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs movie watching experience.

Unless maybe you’re 10.

Which is why all this talk of 3-D television baffles me. Apparently Sony and Panasonic think the next big thing is television sets that will allow us the experience of 3-D right in our living rooms. But who on earth wants that? 3-D movies work (occasionally) for kid movies and as a gimmick for tired sequels (i.e., Jaws 3-D; Friday the 13th, 3-D; Final Destination 3-D), but beyond that, no one except the money-grubbing studios are clamoring for these films to be made.

Let’s look at the reasons this idea is bound for failure:

1) Size of the screen: 3-D movies work because everything is so huge. Yes, televisions are larger today, and getting larger, yet most homes will have a limit to both budget and space available. Small images floating in front of a small screen just won’t make as much of an impression.

2) 3-D is a social experience: When objects jump out at audiences in 3-D movies, the creators want a reaction out of the audience. We attempt to move out of the way when an object is thrown “at us” – and we shriek and laugh along with the rest of the audience after it happens. At home, there’s generally not going to be a large viewing audience, so that interaction is lost.

3) High Definition. HD TV is a phenomenal upgrade from standard definition, the pictures are gorgeous, and it’s practically brand new. When we upgraded to a 1080p TV, my wife and I sat stunned by the picture quality our Blu-Ray movies provided, and commented that they practically looked three dimensional. And this was without a set of those damned glasses! Speaking of which…

4) Those damned glasses. What guy wants to sit down to watch Monday Night Football wearing a pair of ill-fitting glasses? Who will watch CSI: Miami which will have only two truly 3-D moments in the entire show (one being when Caruso’s shades come flying toward you in the first two minutes)? We have 3-D televised events already (Superbowl commercials/half-times; Disney channel movies), and these are met largely with skepticism if not completely disregarded. And, hell, I have a hard enough time finding my remote – how am I going to keep up with a pair of cheap plastic glasses?

I suppose I could be wrong, but 3-D television, in my eyes, has “failed experiment” written all over it. It’s not 10 year olds buying the TVs, and, unless the technology makes giant leaps over the next year or so, 3-D television will be the next “Beta” of the entertainment industry.

Now, all bets are off if the porn industry gets involved…

Welcome back to “Beast or Bust?”, the weekly column in which I, BigRedPoet, offer my predictions for the following week’s NFL games in the hope that you can use this information to improve your fantasy football team.

For the purposes of this feature, I will make reference to Yahoo’s projected statistics. Luckily, I don’t expect statistics to vary much between fantasy football sites, so non-Yahoo users aren’t left out in the cold. Your “Beast” will be a player who I expect to exceed his projections by at least 5 points, and your “Bust” will be a player who I predict will come up at least 5 points short of what’s expected. I’ll also toss in an “OMG” pick each week; this will be a player who’s projected to score less than 5 points, and who will rise from relative obscurity to deliver an unexpected and outstanding performance. If the NFL slate for the week is particularly juicy, I might predict multiple players in any or all of those categories.

Week 3 Beast: Bears RB Matt Forte

It’s time for Forte to break out. I know he carried the ball 25 times for just 55 yards in week 1, and I saw that he gained a paltry 29 yards on 13 carries in week 2. Before anyone jumps off the bandwagon, we should all take a look at the defenses he ran against in those games, Green Bay and (God forbid) Pittsburgh. They’re both pretty solid against the run. Also, look back at last season. Forte totaled 1238 yards and 8 touchdowns. This guy is good. Projected for just 13.75 points this week, equal to 137 combined yards or 77 combined yards and a touchdown, I think he’ll exceed expectations considerably. After all, Frank Gore ran for 207 yards and two touchdowns last week against Forte’s week 3 opponent, the Seahawks.

• My prediction: 110 yards, 2 touchdowns

Week 3 Bust: Giants WR Mario Manningham

Manningham caught 10 passes for 150 yards and a touchdown last week. Six million fantasy football players immediately ran out and added him to their rosters. I’m not buying it. Look back at his totals from week 1: 3 catches for 58 yards and a touchdown. Now look back at his totals for ALL of last season combined: 4 catches for 26 yards and zero touchdowns. Now, let’s play Q&A. Is Manningham stepping up in the Giants’ offense and helping to fill the role vacated by 50 Cent…err…Plaxico Burress? Indeed, he is. Does he have any kind of history to establish him as a go-to guy for Manning? No. Are the Giants a pass-heavy team? Certainly not. Will he score the 12.75 points that are projected for him this week? Not a chance. The Giants’ week 3 opponent, Tampa Bay, is hardly a defensive powerhouse, and I’m guessing that the G-Men will return to their base strategy of running the ball and working the clock.

Note: I’m disagreeing with other “experts,” here. Who do you trust?

• My prediction: 65 yards, no touchdowns

Week 3 OMG: Broncos WR Eddie Royal

Like Forte, Eddie Royal has started slowly this year. He’s getting used to a new quarterback, and the team is dealing with the hassle of prima donna Brandon Marshall. Even so, it’s time for Royal to get back on his game. The Raiders have the best cornerback in the league in Nnamdi Asomugha (that’s NOM-dee AH-sum-WAH), but he can’t cover both Eddie Royal and Brandon Marshall. There will be an open receiver someplace. Royal posted fantastic numbers in his rookie campaign last season, and he’s had several weeks to perfect his timing with new Broncos QB Kyle Orton. I think it’s time to return to the spotlight. Projected for just 4.06 points, Royal will step up and contribute considerably to the Broncos’ offense.

• My prediction: 85 yards, no touchdowns

I’m all about accountability. Each week, after I offer my predictions, I’ll take credit for the previous week’s success and/or eat crow over last week’s dismal failure.

Week 2 Picks

• Beast: Panthers RB DeAngelo Williams
• Projection: 12.14
• Actual: 15.1 points

Damn. Williams looked pretty good against the Falcons, but he didn’t put on the clinic I hoped for. He exceeded his projections by 3 points, but I don’t win until 5. I really want to take credit, here, but rules are rules. I didn’t make any allowances for partial credit, so…I lose.

• Bust: Cowboys RB Marion Barber
• Projection: 11.25 points
• Actual: 21.5 points

Well, look who made BRP look stupid. I guess Barber should come with a fine-print warning, like the commercials for investment funds: “Past performance is not a guarantee of future returns.” Barber had a huge game against the Giants. I’m still shocked. I lose.

• OMG: Saints WR Devery Henderson
• Projection: 4.43 points
• Actual: 7.1 points

Henderson didn’t exactly wreck shop in week 2, but he wasn’t as transparent as his projections predicted, either. His 71 yards were a significant contribution to the Saints’ offense, and his 7.1 points exceeded the contributions of star receivers like T.J. Who’s-Yo-Mama, Hines Ward, and Bernard Berrian. I win.

• BRP’s Win/Loss Ratio: 3/3