The Daily Procrastinator

The Mouse House is apparently looking at buying the House of Ideas. This seems like a positive for both companies, as Marvel would be joining forces with one of the most recognized companies in the world and Disney would have access to Marvel’s seemingly endless supply of superheroes. Disney would more than likely see an increase in its appeal among boys and possibly see Pixar movies involving the Marvel characters (hell, this 37-year old is excited about that possibility).

But are there risks involved with this buy-out? Jokes are made in the above article about Spider-Man appearing in A Bug’s Life sequel, but could Disney actually end up affecting the presentation/appearance of Marvel superheroes in future movies/video games/products?

See for yourself below the Disney buyout of Marvel gone wrong:

This is part 2 of a series of posts looking back at the Epic Comics title “The Alien Legion” – see this post for a quick introduction to the origins of the series.

Any comic title’s first issue not already based in an established universe has a lot of work to do (as, really, any piece of fiction does). Not only does it have to establish setting and characters, it has to do so in a way that will get the reader invested in both and want to pick up the next issue. Realizing this information would have to be presented in prose rather than merely the art, Potts and Zelenetz chose to dedicate the inside cover of the premiere issue to giving readers a quick rundown as to the nature of the universe they are about to be thrown into:

Not exactly as simple as Star Wars’ “It is a period of civil war” scrawl, is it? (nor do we have the benefit of listening to a John Williams score while reading it). It’s actually quite heavy in its use of sci-fi jargon: “Galactic Union”, “Sidereum Galacticum”, “bioforms”, etc., along with the appropriately alien-sounding names of planets and political entities. I wouldn’t be surprised if many readers at the time moved right past that page and into the book itself. Still, the summary offers up the central conflicts that will be played out in the pages of the comic.

Next, Potts and Zelenetz present a series of “bio summaries” of the key players of Force Nomad. Written as if they are taken from the Legion’s private databases, the entries introduce us to the characters with fare such as age and place of origin (immediately giving readers a sense of the enormity of this universe), along with brief psychiatric evaluations.

These entries were an attempt to highlight the more important characters for readers, as the sheer number of legionnaires presented in just the first issue could be a bit overwhelming. Combine this with the unfamiliar setting and numerous planetary references, and the writers were probably concerned that without this foothold, many readers would feel lost before the adventures really got underway.

The story itself begins with a bang, literally, and I wouldn’t begrudge you if you thought the images were vaguely reminiscent of the first scenes of Star Wars, what with the ship under attack and the planets in profile in the background.

Still, while some of the imagery is similar, the story departs soon enough as two squads of Legionnaires manage to evade the Harkilon (the series’ central bad alien race, looking like a cross between the Dark Crystal’s Skeksis and hermit crabs) attack and crash land on a nearby planet.

Things go bad for Vector Squad pretty much immediately as a band of mineral pirates find them and, at the urging of the pirates’ captain, annihilate the legionnaires. Unfortunately, due to their original directives, the soldiers are only armed with biodegradable darts that would not affect the fragile environment, leaving them easy targets. Force Nomad soon finds the remains of Vector Squadron and realize they’re in for a rough time in what would be a common theme in the series – undermanned, outnumbered, and hamstrung by distant politicians’ rules.

It is at this point that the characterization picks up a bit, and we start meeting the core members of Nomad. The humanoid lieutenant Torie Montroc gets quite a bit of space allotted to him, as does Captain Sarigar (seen above), a serpentine alien whose first appearance comes when he breaks up an inter-squad fight among two members of Nomad when tensions run high:

The characterization of each legionnaire is by and large distinct. Above, you can see a bully in the larger Skathe Mescad, and the Bospor (the froggish alien) is a fawning, insecure weakling whose choice was either a prison sentence or a stint in the Legion (Mescad, in a noble moment later in the issue, would save the Bospor from certain death, proving that, at least for him, the brotherhood of the Legion matters). After things calm down a bit, Nomad has to plan a mission to take on the murderous pirates and save the planet from further ecological harm, which is easier said than done, what with the limited resources they have. Still, through the battle intelligence of Sarigar and the viciousness of some of the other legionnaires, Nomad would prove up to the challenge.

Speaking of viciousness, Jugger Grimrod, another legionnaire who would go on to be a fan favorite, only gets a page or so devoted to him in this first issue. But he makes it memorable:

That’s character development!

Frank Cirocco’s artwork is fitting for this series, and he manages to invest each alien with a distinctive look, although many of the aliens tend to be humanoid in structure (an issue that would be commented on by readers throughout its run). Still, there’s a nice pacing to his artwork that can help detract a bit from the fact that there’s so much prose on the page. And that fact is one of the drawbacks, admittedly, in this first issue: sometimes the pages are just drowning in dialogue and other forms of exposition, and talking heads don’t usually make for engaging comics, particularly in what’s supposed to be a space opera. Still, much of the information is needed and engaging in its own right…

Intrigued? Then look next Thursday for Part III continuing this look back at the legionnaires of Nomad Squadron.

Think back to the Mos Eisley cantina scene in Star Wars – remember the wide variety of aliens and creatures inhabiting the bar, drinking away their worries while chilling out to the jazzy tunes of the Modal Nodes? Of course you do – it’s one of the most iconic scenes Lucas gave us in the film. Now imagine that that collection of “scum and villainy” (judgmental much, Ben?) has been recruited into a universal peace-keeping force, and must work together as a unit despite their different backgrounds to survive the rigors of interstellar combat. Intrigued? Well, have I got a series for you:

Back in 1983, Carl Potts, a writer for Marvel’s imprint company Epic Comics, along with Alan Zelenetz and Frank Cirocco, created The Alien Legion, a series that would see two incarnations and a few one-shots over the next couple decades. Imagined as the “French Foreign Legion in space”, the squad was initially planned to be all-human, but fortunately Potts rethought the concept as it was being developed, allowing for the conglomeration of humans and aliens that would comprise Force Nomad. This series would result in some very memorable characters and a series that I’d really like to see make a comeback.

What will follow over the next week or so is an introduction to some of the members of Force Nomad, and a look back at their adventures as found in volumes one and two of The Alien Legion.  Look for Part II on Thursday.

Listen to this:

Now, if you’re anything like me, you can’t listen to this beautiful piece of music without thinking of this:

Or try listening to Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries” without thinking of this:

During my formative years I watched a lot of Merrie Melodies cartoons, and while Bugs and Daffy will always hold a special place in my heart (if you don’t know how to respond when I say “Wabbit season!” I can’t be friends with you), Chuck Jones and his crew absolutely ruined me on classical music.  I often wonder what it would be like to listen to  Strauss’ “Blue Danube”, and not automatically think of Bugs slapping Elmer Fudd, or not immediately associate Franz Von Suppe’s “Morning, Noon and Night in Vienna” with Bugs Bunny conducting an orchestra. I suppose I should be fair and say it’s not all Mr. Jones’ fault: “The Lone Ranger” ruined Rossini’s “William Tell Overture” for me, and I can’t hear Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy” without thinking of Nakatomi Plaza.  But still, it was those Saturday morning cartoons that led me to connect so many pieces of music with animation – and today those hi-jacked works are the only classical music I’ve ever bought.  Hell, I even bought Bugs Bunny on Broadway.

One of the few classical music CDs I own

Because the Merrie Melodies cartoons are no longer being aired on Saturday mornings, I don’t believe my daughters will have this problem, and honestly I’m a little jealous of them in that respect.  My older daughter takes piano, and I eagerly await the day she’ll be able to play even a simplified piece of Strauss’ “Danube”, and be able to ask her what the music brings to mind for her.  Maybe even get an idea of what Strauss himself intended.

I know it won’t be Daffy Duck.

Not man is crying, guys! Crying!

It’s tough being an Anthrax fan. On July 21 news hit the web that Dan Nelson, newly anointed lead singer of the thrash metal band, had been fired from the gig days before a European festival tour was to begin and three months before their new album “Worship Music”, was to be released (it was in the final stages of production). In a carefully worded press release, the band suggested Nelson was too ill to go on tour, and that the band would soon be auditioning for a new lead singer. Dan Nelson would later release his own press release, saying that the band’s reasoning was bogus and that his legal counsel would take appropriate action.

Well, shit.

This is not the first time Anthrax has had problems with its singer (unfortunately).  For instance, back in ’05 Scott Ian and Charlie Benante, founding members of the band, decided to tour with their original lead singer, Joey Belladonna and the rest of their “Among the Living” lineup in recognition of their 25th anniversary as a band.  For me, it was a bit of a head scratcher as the band had just released “We’ve Come for You All” to critical acclaim, if not matching sales (if you haven’t heard it, do yourself a favor and grab it).  John Bush, their singer from 1992 until then, felt slighted and left the band, leaving the band frontman-less when Belladonna decided he did not want to continue with the band after the tour.

That situation always seemed to me to be Ian and Benante’s fault – I don’t know that too many fans were clamoring for an “Among the Living” reunion tour and Ian’s reasoning that the death of Dimebag Darrell made him want to see what “might have been” had Joey never left still seemed like a jerk move when considering Bush’s perspective.  And so they burned that bridge with Bush, leading them to pick up Dan Nelson as their singer.  It’s now been 6 years since Anthrax has released a new album.

This time, however, I can’t see how Ian and Benante can be blamed.  Something led them to kick Nelson to the curb before the European tour began, before the first album with Nelson fronting was released.  It apparently wasn’t Nelson’s decision, based on his press release, so Ian and Benante would have to some MAJOR reason to can him.  What was it?  No one’s saying, but there have been some reports of tension between the band members during their Rocklahoma appearance.  I just know that the release of Worship Music is now pushed back until a new lead singer is found, and who knows what the status of those songs will be?  Will we fans of Anthrax ever hear Nelson’s versions?   It’s doubtful.  I guess the bigger question is: will there even be another album?  John Bush is going to join them for a one-off at England’s Sonisphere show – I’m hoping against hope that there might be enough remnants of that bridge to rebuild it.

For me, it’s a bit depressing to think of a future that will be Anthrax-less.  I’ve been banging my head to their thrash for over 20 years now, and have longed to see them get the recognition bands like Metallica and Slayer get (two of the pillars of thrash, along with Megadeth and Anthrax).  I had hoped Worship Music would have announced a triumphant return.  It looks like it might be an unheard swan song.

Let’s face it, almost any “greatest band ever” list ends up with the Beatles. Or Led Zeppelin, depending on what year it is and whether BRP had a say in it. To avoid this, the DP is going to add another adjective to the list, AMERICAN, and count down the top seven American Rock Bands (take that, you limey bastards!).

So here we are: the final 2.  Who will be the DP’s greatest American Rock…Ah, who are we kidding?  You’re not reading this, you’ve already scrolled down to see the results.  So here we go:

#2: Creedence Clearwater Revival

Fogerty was wearing flannel before Pearl Jam made it hip.

The case for: Lynyrd Skynyrd might be the quintessential southern rock band, but that’s only because the guys from CCR hail from San Francisco.  That’s right, the band that brought you swamp rockers like “Born on the Bayou” and “Bad Moon Rising” were actually west coast hippies.  From 1967 to 1972, CCR  ruled the airwaves with hit after hit, not only talking about women with songs like “Susie Q” and “Sweet Hitch-Hiker”, but also making social commentary with rockers like “Fortunate Son.” And you can’t tell me you don’t crank that one whenever you hear it – if you don’t, you can feel free to go back to your Yanni.

A few bullet points underscoring CCR’s No. 2 ranking:

- CCR was at Woodstock, though nobody remembers that because the Grateful Dead played forever, putting everyone to sleep,  and CCR ended up taking the stage at 3 IN THE MORNING.

- “Proud Mary” is CCR’s song, not Tina Turner’s.  Yeah, we said it.

- “Travelin’ Band” was a precursor to practically every other song about a band hitting the road  (e.g., Bob Seger’s “Turn the Page”; Boston’s “Rock and Roll Band”; Slayer’s “Raining Blood”).

The band would later break up due to internal problems between the members, which would influence other rock lead singers to act like jerks (yeah, Axl, I’m looking at you).  John Fogerty has a somewhat successful solo career, though for the longest time he refused to play CCR songs during live shows, leading me to believe that his live shows were HUGE disappointments.  Above all, CCR had RANGE, and produced some of the most memorable rock hits during their time.

But now it’s time for the GREATEST AMERICAN ROCK BAND:

#1:

Balls Out Rock.

Van Halen is THE American Rock Band.  Hedonistic and untamed, Eddie’s wild in-your-face guitar work and David Lee Roth’s showmanship would pave the way for many of the later 80s rock acts (including our #4 Guns N Roses).  Simply put,  without Van Halen, the 80s American rock era doesn’t happen, and then what would Pearl Jam (the DP’s #5) and Nirvana have to react against?  From their eponymous first album, Van Halen declared the rules for rock had changed, and disaffected youth would never be the same.  Look at the track listing for their first: “Runnin’ With the Devil”, “Eruption/You Really Got Me”, “Ain’t Talkin’ ’bout Love”, “I’m the One”, “Jamie’s Cryin”, “Feel Your Love Tonight”.  Hell, it might as well be the soundtrack to the Camaro.

And Van Halen was no one-album wonder.  The cleverly titled Van Halen II would give us “Beautiful Girls” and “Dance the Night Away” and more Eddie and more FUN.  Van Halen epitomized the rock lifestyle and attitude, and never took themselves too seriously, particularly David Lee Roth.  Women and Children First came  next, then later Diver Down (their fourth album, Fair Warning was a weaker effort, although “Unchained” kicks ass).  Then, in 1984, Van Halen gave us their finest album, coincidentally titled 1984.

Try getting this cover approved today.

Practically every friggin’ song was a hit.  If you can’t name at least five of ‘em, you were either born after 1985 or  before 1950.

Then the fallout: different ideas about the group led David Lee Roth to go record some songs that became dated the week after Crazy From the Heat was released, and Eddie, Alex and Michael welcomed in the Red Rocker himself,  Sammy Hagar.  5150 (which produced one of our favorite VH songs, “5150″), OU812 and For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge (subtle!) were all massive commercial successes, and further cemented the fact that Van Halen was and is America’s premiere rock band.*

Of course, all good things must end.  Eddie managed to alienate Sammy who left the band to go manage his bar and continue his solo career while  Michael Anthony was unceremoniously (and unforgivably) bounced from the group for the baby-fat burdened Wolfgang.  But Van Halen is the epitome of what American rock is, and for its music, charisma, and influence on American rock, Van Halen is the DP’s choice for best American Rock Band.

*As much as some of us here at DP admire Gary Cherone/Extreme for their non-”More Than Words” work, we, like the Van Halens themselves, believe VHIII is better left ignored.

Let’s face it, almost any “greatest band ever” list ends up with the Beatles. Or Led Zeppelin, depending on what year it is and whether BRP had a say in it. To avoid this, the DP is going to add another adjective to the list, AMERICAN, and count down the top seven American Rock Bands (take that, you limey bastards!).

Yesterday saw the start of our countdown with Lynyrd Skynyrd coming in at number 7 and Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers edging the boys from the South at number 6. Now, on to number 5!

#5: Pearl Jam

"Mookie Blaylock" probably wouldn't have made our list. Fortunately, they changed the name.

The Case for: All apologies to Nirvana (get it?  HA!), but Pearl Jam is the best band to come out of the Seattle “grunge” scene in the early 1990s.  But there’s just one minor problem with that statement of fact:  Pearl Jam isn’t grunge.  They are as straight-forward rock and roll as anything America has produced.  They are America’s version of The Who (even in a sad way), an influence they wear proudly on their collective sleeve.

Listen to Ten again.  It literally washes over the listener like the waves Eddie surfed while coming up with the lyrics.   But Vs. is really their masterpiece, from the breakneck pace of “Go” through the omnipresent “Elderly Woman . . .”   They’ve also released at least 72 different live albums, setting a world record in the process.   Prolific bunch, these guys.

Why aren’t they higher on the list?: Pearl Jam kind of suffers from their early success.   “Jeremy” was done to death, and the band kind of removed themselves from the mainstream by becoming more experimental (to some, at least), daresay self-indulgent, on their subsequent studio albums.   Personally, I forgive them, but this list was compiled by committee, so what are you gonna do?

#4: Guns N Roses

The REAL Guns N Roses

The Case for: Appetite for Destruction. It is an album everyone knows and likely owns.  It is an album that damn near everyone can sing at least four songs by heart.  But most importantly, it is an album that has not grown tired.  “Welcome to the Jungle”.  “Mr. Brownstone”.  “Paradise City”.  “Sweet Child O’ Mine” (which, BTW, has probably one of the most perfectly song-suited solos ever).   This is one of the most re-listenable albums on Earth and likely extended the life of LA’s music scene (for better or worse) by a good 2 to 3 years.   Lies and the Use Your Illusion set round out the legend that is GnR, but Appetite set it in stone.

Why aren’t they higher on the list?: Two words for you:  Axl friggin’ Rose.  Spare me the arguments about why the breakup was all Slash’s fault.  Axl is the reason that Chinese Democracy 1) took 13 years to complete and release; and 2) was too much “Estranged” and not enough “Nightrain”. Thirteen years for THAT?  Yes, expectations are a bitch but damn, Axl, shouldn’t there have been more than one catchy song (“Better”)?

#3: Aerosmith

Not yet ready for their Permanent Vacation

The Case For: Are you kidding me? The real question is why aren’t these guys higher on the list (to be answered later). The boys from Boston have obviously given the world some of the most memorable and powerful rock and roll over the past 30 years, and to try and list some of their hits here would probably be insulting to you, our constant reader. Still, “Sweet Emotion“, “Mama Kin“, “Dream On“, “Walk This Way“, “Back in the Saddle“, and I probably haven’t named your favorite – their catalog goes on and on and on. Download “Toys in the Attic” and you’ll know.

Why aren’t they higher on the list?: Honestly, the case could be made that Aerosmith is the premiere rock band of the United States. But you could also argue that they’re now a watered-down version of themselves, content with writing bluesy rock ballads to be played in Michael Bay action movies and cranking out a mediocre album every few years. They haven’t really had a good album since “Pump”. But hasn’t Aerosmith paid its dues? Shouldn’t they be allowed to take it easy now that they’ve achieved rock god status? NOPE, and here’s why:

Aerosmith is still karma-deficient for being involved in this Bee Gees focused tripe. THE BEE GEES!

Tomorrow: THE TWO BEST AMERICAN ROCK BANDS…EVER!

Let’s face it, almost any “greatest band ever” list ends up with the Beatles.  Or Led Zeppelin, depending on what year it is and whether BRP had a say in it.  To avoid this, the DP is going to add another adjective to the list: American.

For those about to rock! (dammit, they're Australian!)

That’s right, forget about your Day Tripping Fab Four, leave behind those “Dazed and Confused” British heavyweights (it’s been a long time since they’ve rock and rolled), and we’re certainly not going to get any Satisfaction from Mick Jagger’s limey crew:  which red-blooded American rock and roll band is worthy of being labeled the best?  Over the next few days, the DP is going to count down the top 7 American Rock Bands (why 7?  Because 10′s too corporate!).  Get your righteous indignation ready, people!

Now, before starting the list, there are some limitations.  One, this isn’t a heavy metal list, so Metallica won’t be on it. We’re talking rock, driven by a rebellious attitude and bluesy back beats (and often hard liquor).  Two, by “band” it means a largely set group of musicians (though lineup changes can occur), each with a more or less clearly defined role in the band: guitars, bass, drummer and singer, though a singer could definitely play a guitar or the bass.

NOT ON THE LIST.

Three, being the “best” implies some longevity, so the listed bands and their music  have stood the test of time, even if, in some cases, the band members haven’t.  So even though the Foo Fighters is one of the strongest rock bands out there right now, they still don’t make the cut based on this criteria.  Sorry, Grohl and crew, check back in about 10 more years.

Let’s start with 7:

#7: Lynyrd Skynyrd

"Play some Skynyrd, man!"

The case for: Come on, they gave us “Free Bird.” Every rock concert you’ll ever go to,  some drunk who thinks he’s being clever will call out for that epic ode to leaving a woman behind because a man’s gotta be a man.  Skynyrd also gave us “Sweet Home, Alabama“, “Gimme Three Steps“, “Simple Man“, “What’s Your Name?” and, well, “That Smell” is also considered a hit.  Ronnie Van Zant’s death in a plane crash prematurely stalled Skynryd’s legacy, though his brother Johnny now fronts the band today as they continue to tour and record albums.

Why aren’t they higher on the list?: If  you want to listen to southern rock, you start and end with Skynyrd.  But they’re also not an archetypal rock band because of their southern sound.  Much of their music is slower-paced, more bluesy, and while rock and roll definitely has its roots in the blues, most listeners are not going to think of Skynyrd first when they want to rock out.

#6: Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers

Who said rock and roll was attractive?

The case for: These guys have been around since the late 70s, and have a string of memorable hits that reflect perhaps the most common topic of rock and roll: women.  “American Girl” was one of their first singles, and would later be followed up by such hits as “Refugee“, “Don’t Do Me Like That“, and “You Got Lucky“, with the biting chorus: “You got lucky, babe,  when I found you.”  That’s rock and roll, people.  Petty would also offer up a couple hits in a solo career, but he’d always come back to his Heartbreakers (though the band’s lineup would change quite often, with the core group of Petty on rhythm and vocals, Mike Campbell on lead guitars, and Stan Lynch on drums remaining consistent).

Why aren’t they higher on the list?: OK, Petty’s not your traditional vocalist – there are those who find his singing a bit off-putting.  And despite the amount of music and the variety they produced, Petty also sang a couple duets with Stevie Nicks, which is not rock, man.  Some might also argue that Petty and the Heartbreakers are a little too dependent on ballads in their catalog, but I’m going to pull the “Traveling Wilburys” card and say that his time spent with Roy Orbison refutes that claim.  Roy was the man.

Tomorrow: Numbers 3 through 5!

Juggernaut [Editor's Note: who will be acting as editor on this post] and I are identical twins – we were born 2 minutes apart [Editor's Note: I'm 2 minutes older] a little over 37 years ago and grew up sharing the same bedroom until we left for separate colleges. (sidenote: our younger brother had his own room, the little bastard. Thanks, Mom and Dad). As twins, we’ve received our fair share of inane questions: “Do you feel it if your brother gets hurt?” (answer: no. Punching myself in my face apparently hurts only me); “Why aren’t your names alliterative?” (answer: because our parents loved us); “You and your brother want to try a threesome?” (answer: actually, we’ve never been asked that before. [Editor's Note: Thank God.] And the answer would be NO – even though Juggernaut’s my brother, that’d STILL be the bad type of threesome).

Beyond the stupid questions, though, I’d still say I’ve enjoyed being a twin, and it’s going to be awfully hard on me when Juggs dies first. I’ll miss him. [Editor's Note: THE ONLY WAY I'M DYING FIRST IS IF YOU KILL ME.] We do have a closer relationship with one another than I think most siblings have (much to our wives’ chagrin), and it’s led to occasional wonderment on the part of our mutual friends when they see us together, which is rare as we live in different cities and Juggernaut seems to think he never has to come visit. [Editor's Note: Unlike some people, demands are made of my time and I don't have summers and every school holiday off.] We do tend to know what we’re going to say or how we’ll react to a given situation. We also have many of the same mannerisms, which is probably to be expected seeing as how we lived in the same room for 18 long years (thanks again, Mom and Dad!). BigRedPoet will tell you that Juggernaut and I are indistinguishable on the phone. BRP once spent a couple minutes talking to Juggernaut thinking he was me as he was driving up to Dallas to meet us for a concert. We don’t intentionally dress alike (in fact, quite the opposite: in school we would go out of our way to make sure we were not wearing similar clothing, which probably accounts for the fact that we rarely fell into the various clothing fads during high school), though one time I returned home from college and walked in the door to find Juggernaut dressed in identical clothing, right down to the brown woven belts we both wore. He immediately changed his shirt. [Editor's Note: Absolutely true story. The family's laughter still rings in my ears.]

The point is that while we’re twins and share the same DNA, we’re different people. [Editor's Note: For example, I outweigh FC by about 40 lbs. I actually spend time in the weight room.] Though just how different is something I wonder about at times, and maybe Juggernaut does, too (psychic link isn’t working right now). [Editor's Note: Not working on his end, apparently.] So I’ve devised a test of a suitably trivial nature in order to satisfy my curiosity about our “connection,” so to speak. Juggernaut and I are going to each individually create a CD containing 20 songs and trade the discs next time we get together. There will be no communication about what songs we’re including, and there will be no list when the discs are traded. There will also be no “rick-rolling.” We each are attempting to give the other a collection of music that we believe the other one will enjoy.

Now, the real question is this: how many of the songs we each select will be the same (if any)? Also, will there be a discernible pattern to the songs in how they’re arranged on the disc? Consider this: both my twin and I have access to over 75,000 songs on our separated-by-150-miles hard drives (b/c a former student loaned me the hard drive of a defunct classic rock station), so it’s not like we’re just selecting music we’ve bought over our lifetimes – we have access to pretty much everything. Also, while both of us are longtime metal heads, we’ve both agreed not to merely give a CD containing 20 Anthrax/Slayer/Metallica/Megadeth songs, no matter how awesome that might be. [Editor's Note: And it WOULD be awesome.]

We’ll each report back once we exchange the discs and have a chance to give some thought as to our selections. [Editor's Note: This sounds suspiciously like a way to force me to write another post.] If nothing else, it should be entertaining to hear what Juggernaut has to say about the songs I’ve selected for him.

Careful! These brownies are special, and not in a good way.

There’s an email being forwarded around quite a bit that tells the story of a couple kids who want to go see a popular and critically successful movie that has material that some people might find objectionable, perhaps a sex scene, perhaps some language. The father of these two boys, who believes they should not go see the movie, attempts to teach them a lesson about the dangers of such entertainment by baking a batch of brownies and telling his sons that he’s used the highest quality ingredients, but added only a smidgen of horse manure to the batter. He then asks his sons if they feel “only a smidgen” of manure matters in the brownies, which otherwise are perfectly edible and tantalizing. The lesson, of course, is that the little bit of objectionable material ruins the entire thing, whether it be a film, a television show or a book, and is even potentially harmful.

This parable irritates me because the analogy it makes is patently false; viewing a movie or reading a novel containing some objectionable material and digesting manure-tainted brownies are two completely different processes. Most people, by using their brains (though I might be already assuming too much), can differentiate between what is “good” and what is “bad.” I’ve even heard that parents can teach their children to do so, and not be subject to the corruptive influence of the media (cue ominous music). The stomach, however, cannot differentiate between brownie batter and manure, and will attempt to digest everything that enters it. Yes, garbage-in/garbage-out works in the case of the stomach, but it’s not quite so easy when considering the brain.

For example, I teach Huckleberry Finn every year. The novel uses the word “nigger” a little over 200 times, and, if the above parable and its adherents are to be believed, after reading it, a reader should be more likely to actually use the word. But of course that’s ridiculous – it doesn’t happen. My students recognize the context of the word’s use and know that it is a word they neither want to use nor will use.

This modern-day parable is also refuted by the Bible, both in verse and as a work. There are any number of risque passages in the Old and New Testaments; a particular passage about a former prostitute and her longings for the old days comes to mind (Ezekial 23:19-20). There are many more like this one that you won’t hear on Sunday mornings, but were considered crucial by those compiling the books of the Bible. But no one’s calling to purge these verses from the work; in fact, my church gives copies of an unedited Bible to our fourth graders (gasp!). But we’re Lutheran, so we’ve historically been rebels.

The point? Every one of us has been blessed with a brain, and I’m troubled by how many people choose not to use it. As I’ve stated time and time again in my classes, context counts. And there’s a vast difference in reading the word “nigger” in Huck Finn and reading it in Klan propaganda, or between nudity seen when watching Schindler’s List and some late night Cinemax flick. If you suggest otherwise, you’re shoveling your special brownie ingredient.