The Daily Procrastinator

I think it is safe to say that everyone here at the DP is a huge fan of Joss Whedon’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer (you could actually end this sentence after “Whedon.”)   Most of us here watched it during its original run, and several of us own the complete series on DVD (myself included).

Sarah Michelle Gellar . . . Sigh.

What can I say?  Watching a hot girl (SMG, please contact me when you realize Prinze is not worthy of you) kill vampires, demons, and assorted nasties was a weekly treat, and the supporting cast wasn’t too bad either.  (Alyson Hannigan, Charisma Carpenter, Felicia Day: we’re all thinking of you.  And some of us maybe David Boreanaz.  But not me.)

Needless to say, we were all somewhat disappointed when its run ended in 2003, but by that time Joss apparently just had to move on to other things.  So when it ended, where were we to get our fix of such supernatural entertainment?  [See what I did there?]

Three years later, Supernatural debuted.  I have been a fan of the show since it started.  Now that it is about to begin its fifth season (Season Premiere on September 10, mark your calendars), I am prepared to offer an opinion that just might get me kicked off the DP:

Sam and Dean Winchester FTW

Supernatural is better than Buffy.

Yes, I said it.  Even if the leads are two guys as opposed to SMG.

Now I am not going to offer here a detailed analysis of the ways Supernatural is the superior show, but I will state that it fundamentally comes down to one of tone.   While Supernatural has a healthy dose of humor (see, e.g., Season 4′s episode “Horror Movie”),  it takes a far darker view of the underworld, heavens, and humanity.   By comparison, Buffy, as much as we enjoyed it, lapsed into the goofy too often.

I still remember Buffy fondly.  But Supernatural, week in and week out, has shown how a drama dealing with angels, demons, and the pending apocalypse needs a darker edge than that found in Sunnydale.

So many careers owed to the man . . .

An icon of we Procrastinators died on Thursday:  John Hughes, writer/director of many of the most formative movies of our youth, passed away at the entirely-too-young age of 59 as a result of a heart attack.

Hughes’ catalog of films is astounding.  Consider the following streak of the 80s:

“National Lampoon’s Vacation” (1983)

“Sixteen Candles” (1984)

“The Breakfast Club” (1985)

“Weird Science” (1985)

“Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” (1986)

“Planes Trains and Automobiles” (1987)

“The Great Outdoors” (1988) [Hey, I liked the raccoons, dammit.  They killed.]

“Uncle Buck” (1989)

Each is a classic in its own right; not only are they funny as hell, but they had heart.  As a result, each became a staple of our upbringings here at the DP.  Admit it:  you still stop down for the battle between Ferris and Dean Rooney (couldn’t have been him, could it?)

Of course, not all of his stuff are classics (at least in our mind . . . let’s hope it wasn’t him who sold his soul to inflate the grosses on Home Alone).  But we won’t dwell on that or his infliction of young McCauley Caulkin on the movie-going public.   Instead, we here suggest you have your own Hughes marathon this weekend and reminisce about the part of your formative years that just died.

Greetings, procrastinators! I write to you from a cozy little apartment in central Munich, my first contact with the Internet since leaving the US. I can assure you that, as promised, I’ve been working hard on my quest to consume and review a variety of authentic German brews.

My trip began in Baden-Baden, a charming and well-preserved resort town in a cozy little corner of Germany, near the French border. I’m told that the town managed to avoid destruction in WWII because the French had plans for annexation and wanted to keep it intact. I was visiting some friends in the area and was exposed to two local brews: Rothaus Tannenzaepfle and Rothaus Radler Zaepfle. Rothaus is the brewery of the Baden region, cranking out beers since the late 1700s.

Tannenzaepfle translates to "pine cone."

The Tannenzaepfle – the name reflecting the pine cone on the label – is a classic pilsener brewed according to the Reinheitsgebot, or German Purity Law. While I tend to not be a big fan of pilseners because of their hoppy bitterness, the Tannenzaepfle was clear and refreshing, with a clean finish.

The Radler Zaepfle is one of the more bizarre finds. In a country that obsesses over beer purity, this one is a mix of beer and lemonade. I’m told that it’s fairly new to the Rothaus lineup, creating a pre-bottled product for something that people were already doing themselves at their table. I can’t say that I’m a big fan. Oh, I can appreciate the reasoning behind it, but as a girl who doesn’t even like to add lime to her Corona, lemonade and beer is just too much of a leap for me.

I also experienced the Lowenbrau Premium Pils. Now, let’s be straight up here: this isn’t the crap that was brewed by Miller and marketed under the same name. This is real German beer. It’s served with a two-inch head and has a distinct aroma of both citrus and hops. It’s a pilsener, so it’s not going to be my favorite of all time, but it had a crisp, refreshing taste that offset the pilsener bitterness, and made it a good complement to a meal of sausage and kraut.

Stay tuned for Part 2, my adventures in Berlin!

These poor kids deserve privacy. The parents need some serious counseling for thinking that this was a good idea.

I’ve already gone against my better judgement and written about Jon & Kate Plus 8 in the past (please forgive me) but I need to go there again.

I was at another cookout where people were still talking about these people.  It appears that Kate — previously believed to be the evil shrew — is now the more popular of the two because Jon has been hooking up with some young blondes of questionable character.  There is evidently Team Jon and Team Kate, and people seriously want to know whose side you’re on.

How about this: what about Team 8?  These adults are both irresponsible enough to pimp out their children’s personal lives on national television.  The kids didn’t have a choice in the matter, and someone needs to stick up for them.  I find it hard to imagine that Child Protective Services allows people like the Gosselins and Octomom to sell the rights to their children’s privacy.

Let’s face it, almost any “greatest band ever” list ends up with the Beatles. Or Led Zeppelin, depending on what year it is and whether BRP had a say in it. To avoid this, the DP is going to add another adjective to the list, AMERICAN, and count down the top seven American Rock Bands (take that, you limey bastards!).

So here we are: the final 2.  Who will be the DP’s greatest American Rock…Ah, who are we kidding?  You’re not reading this, you’ve already scrolled down to see the results.  So here we go:

#2: Creedence Clearwater Revival

Fogerty was wearing flannel before Pearl Jam made it hip.

The case for: Lynyrd Skynyrd might be the quintessential southern rock band, but that’s only because the guys from CCR hail from San Francisco.  That’s right, the band that brought you swamp rockers like “Born on the Bayou” and “Bad Moon Rising” were actually west coast hippies.  From 1967 to 1972, CCR  ruled the airwaves with hit after hit, not only talking about women with songs like “Susie Q” and “Sweet Hitch-Hiker”, but also making social commentary with rockers like “Fortunate Son.” And you can’t tell me you don’t crank that one whenever you hear it – if you don’t, you can feel free to go back to your Yanni.

A few bullet points underscoring CCR’s No. 2 ranking:

- CCR was at Woodstock, though nobody remembers that because the Grateful Dead played forever, putting everyone to sleep,  and CCR ended up taking the stage at 3 IN THE MORNING.

- “Proud Mary” is CCR’s song, not Tina Turner’s.  Yeah, we said it.

- “Travelin’ Band” was a precursor to practically every other song about a band hitting the road  (e.g., Bob Seger’s “Turn the Page”; Boston’s “Rock and Roll Band”; Slayer’s “Raining Blood”).

The band would later break up due to internal problems between the members, which would influence other rock lead singers to act like jerks (yeah, Axl, I’m looking at you).  John Fogerty has a somewhat successful solo career, though for the longest time he refused to play CCR songs during live shows, leading me to believe that his live shows were HUGE disappointments.  Above all, CCR had RANGE, and produced some of the most memorable rock hits during their time.

But now it’s time for the GREATEST AMERICAN ROCK BAND:

#1:

Balls Out Rock.

Van Halen is THE American Rock Band.  Hedonistic and untamed, Eddie’s wild in-your-face guitar work and David Lee Roth’s showmanship would pave the way for many of the later 80s rock acts (including our #4 Guns N Roses).  Simply put,  without Van Halen, the 80s American rock era doesn’t happen, and then what would Pearl Jam (the DP’s #5) and Nirvana have to react against?  From their eponymous first album, Van Halen declared the rules for rock had changed, and disaffected youth would never be the same.  Look at the track listing for their first: “Runnin’ With the Devil”, “Eruption/You Really Got Me”, “Ain’t Talkin’ ’bout Love”, “I’m the One”, “Jamie’s Cryin”, “Feel Your Love Tonight”.  Hell, it might as well be the soundtrack to the Camaro.

And Van Halen was no one-album wonder.  The cleverly titled Van Halen II would give us “Beautiful Girls” and “Dance the Night Away” and more Eddie and more FUN.  Van Halen epitomized the rock lifestyle and attitude, and never took themselves too seriously, particularly David Lee Roth.  Women and Children First came  next, then later Diver Down (their fourth album, Fair Warning was a weaker effort, although “Unchained” kicks ass).  Then, in 1984, Van Halen gave us their finest album, coincidentally titled 1984.

Try getting this cover approved today.

Practically every friggin’ song was a hit.  If you can’t name at least five of ‘em, you were either born after 1985 or  before 1950.

Then the fallout: different ideas about the group led David Lee Roth to go record some songs that became dated the week after Crazy From the Heat was released, and Eddie, Alex and Michael welcomed in the Red Rocker himself,  Sammy Hagar.  5150 (which produced one of our favorite VH songs, “5150″), OU812 and For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge (subtle!) were all massive commercial successes, and further cemented the fact that Van Halen was and is America’s premiere rock band.*

Of course, all good things must end.  Eddie managed to alienate Sammy who left the band to go manage his bar and continue his solo career while  Michael Anthony was unceremoniously (and unforgivably) bounced from the group for the baby-fat burdened Wolfgang.  But Van Halen is the epitome of what American rock is, and for its music, charisma, and influence on American rock, Van Halen is the DP’s choice for best American Rock Band.

*As much as some of us here at DP admire Gary Cherone/Extreme for their non-”More Than Words” work, we, like the Van Halens themselves, believe VHIII is better left ignored.

Let’s face it, almost any “greatest band ever” list ends up with the Beatles. Or Led Zeppelin, depending on what year it is and whether BRP had a say in it. To avoid this, the DP is going to add another adjective to the list, AMERICAN, and count down the top seven American Rock Bands (take that, you limey bastards!).

Yesterday saw the start of our countdown with Lynyrd Skynyrd coming in at number 7 and Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers edging the boys from the South at number 6. Now, on to number 5!

#5: Pearl Jam

"Mookie Blaylock" probably wouldn't have made our list. Fortunately, they changed the name.

The Case for: All apologies to Nirvana (get it?  HA!), but Pearl Jam is the best band to come out of the Seattle “grunge” scene in the early 1990s.  But there’s just one minor problem with that statement of fact:  Pearl Jam isn’t grunge.  They are as straight-forward rock and roll as anything America has produced.  They are America’s version of The Who (even in a sad way), an influence they wear proudly on their collective sleeve.

Listen to Ten again.  It literally washes over the listener like the waves Eddie surfed while coming up with the lyrics.   But Vs. is really their masterpiece, from the breakneck pace of “Go” through the omnipresent “Elderly Woman . . .”   They’ve also released at least 72 different live albums, setting a world record in the process.   Prolific bunch, these guys.

Why aren’t they higher on the list?: Pearl Jam kind of suffers from their early success.   “Jeremy” was done to death, and the band kind of removed themselves from the mainstream by becoming more experimental (to some, at least), daresay self-indulgent, on their subsequent studio albums.   Personally, I forgive them, but this list was compiled by committee, so what are you gonna do?

#4: Guns N Roses

The REAL Guns N Roses

The Case for: Appetite for Destruction. It is an album everyone knows and likely owns.  It is an album that damn near everyone can sing at least four songs by heart.  But most importantly, it is an album that has not grown tired.  “Welcome to the Jungle”.  “Mr. Brownstone”.  “Paradise City”.  “Sweet Child O’ Mine” (which, BTW, has probably one of the most perfectly song-suited solos ever).   This is one of the most re-listenable albums on Earth and likely extended the life of LA’s music scene (for better or worse) by a good 2 to 3 years.   Lies and the Use Your Illusion set round out the legend that is GnR, but Appetite set it in stone.

Why aren’t they higher on the list?: Two words for you:  Axl friggin’ Rose.  Spare me the arguments about why the breakup was all Slash’s fault.  Axl is the reason that Chinese Democracy 1) took 13 years to complete and release; and 2) was too much “Estranged” and not enough “Nightrain”. Thirteen years for THAT?  Yes, expectations are a bitch but damn, Axl, shouldn’t there have been more than one catchy song (“Better”)?

#3: Aerosmith

Not yet ready for their Permanent Vacation

The Case For: Are you kidding me? The real question is why aren’t these guys higher on the list (to be answered later). The boys from Boston have obviously given the world some of the most memorable and powerful rock and roll over the past 30 years, and to try and list some of their hits here would probably be insulting to you, our constant reader. Still, “Sweet Emotion“, “Mama Kin“, “Dream On“, “Walk This Way“, “Back in the Saddle“, and I probably haven’t named your favorite – their catalog goes on and on and on. Download “Toys in the Attic” and you’ll know.

Why aren’t they higher on the list?: Honestly, the case could be made that Aerosmith is the premiere rock band of the United States. But you could also argue that they’re now a watered-down version of themselves, content with writing bluesy rock ballads to be played in Michael Bay action movies and cranking out a mediocre album every few years. They haven’t really had a good album since “Pump”. But hasn’t Aerosmith paid its dues? Shouldn’t they be allowed to take it easy now that they’ve achieved rock god status? NOPE, and here’s why:

Aerosmith is still karma-deficient for being involved in this Bee Gees focused tripe. THE BEE GEES!

Tomorrow: THE TWO BEST AMERICAN ROCK BANDS…EVER!

Let’s face it, almost any “greatest band ever” list ends up with the Beatles.  Or Led Zeppelin, depending on what year it is and whether BRP had a say in it.  To avoid this, the DP is going to add another adjective to the list: American.

For those about to rock! (dammit, they're Australian!)

That’s right, forget about your Day Tripping Fab Four, leave behind those “Dazed and Confused” British heavyweights (it’s been a long time since they’ve rock and rolled), and we’re certainly not going to get any Satisfaction from Mick Jagger’s limey crew:  which red-blooded American rock and roll band is worthy of being labeled the best?  Over the next few days, the DP is going to count down the top 7 American Rock Bands (why 7?  Because 10′s too corporate!).  Get your righteous indignation ready, people!

Now, before starting the list, there are some limitations.  One, this isn’t a heavy metal list, so Metallica won’t be on it. We’re talking rock, driven by a rebellious attitude and bluesy back beats (and often hard liquor).  Two, by “band” it means a largely set group of musicians (though lineup changes can occur), each with a more or less clearly defined role in the band: guitars, bass, drummer and singer, though a singer could definitely play a guitar or the bass.

NOT ON THE LIST.

Three, being the “best” implies some longevity, so the listed bands and their music  have stood the test of time, even if, in some cases, the band members haven’t.  So even though the Foo Fighters is one of the strongest rock bands out there right now, they still don’t make the cut based on this criteria.  Sorry, Grohl and crew, check back in about 10 more years.

Let’s start with 7:

#7: Lynyrd Skynyrd

"Play some Skynyrd, man!"

The case for: Come on, they gave us “Free Bird.” Every rock concert you’ll ever go to,  some drunk who thinks he’s being clever will call out for that epic ode to leaving a woman behind because a man’s gotta be a man.  Skynyrd also gave us “Sweet Home, Alabama“, “Gimme Three Steps“, “Simple Man“, “What’s Your Name?” and, well, “That Smell” is also considered a hit.  Ronnie Van Zant’s death in a plane crash prematurely stalled Skynryd’s legacy, though his brother Johnny now fronts the band today as they continue to tour and record albums.

Why aren’t they higher on the list?: If  you want to listen to southern rock, you start and end with Skynyrd.  But they’re also not an archetypal rock band because of their southern sound.  Much of their music is slower-paced, more bluesy, and while rock and roll definitely has its roots in the blues, most listeners are not going to think of Skynyrd first when they want to rock out.

#6: Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers

Who said rock and roll was attractive?

The case for: These guys have been around since the late 70s, and have a string of memorable hits that reflect perhaps the most common topic of rock and roll: women.  “American Girl” was one of their first singles, and would later be followed up by such hits as “Refugee“, “Don’t Do Me Like That“, and “You Got Lucky“, with the biting chorus: “You got lucky, babe,  when I found you.”  That’s rock and roll, people.  Petty would also offer up a couple hits in a solo career, but he’d always come back to his Heartbreakers (though the band’s lineup would change quite often, with the core group of Petty on rhythm and vocals, Mike Campbell on lead guitars, and Stan Lynch on drums remaining consistent).

Why aren’t they higher on the list?: OK, Petty’s not your traditional vocalist – there are those who find his singing a bit off-putting.  And despite the amount of music and the variety they produced, Petty also sang a couple duets with Stevie Nicks, which is not rock, man.  Some might also argue that Petty and the Heartbreakers are a little too dependent on ballads in their catalog, but I’m going to pull the “Traveling Wilburys” card and say that his time spent with Roy Orbison refutes that claim.  Roy was the man.

Tomorrow: Numbers 3 through 5!

Juggernaut [Editor's Note: who will be acting as editor on this post] and I are identical twins – we were born 2 minutes apart [Editor's Note: I'm 2 minutes older] a little over 37 years ago and grew up sharing the same bedroom until we left for separate colleges. (sidenote: our younger brother had his own room, the little bastard. Thanks, Mom and Dad). As twins, we’ve received our fair share of inane questions: “Do you feel it if your brother gets hurt?” (answer: no. Punching myself in my face apparently hurts only me); “Why aren’t your names alliterative?” (answer: because our parents loved us); “You and your brother want to try a threesome?” (answer: actually, we’ve never been asked that before. [Editor's Note: Thank God.] And the answer would be NO – even though Juggernaut’s my brother, that’d STILL be the bad type of threesome).

Beyond the stupid questions, though, I’d still say I’ve enjoyed being a twin, and it’s going to be awfully hard on me when Juggs dies first. I’ll miss him. [Editor's Note: THE ONLY WAY I'M DYING FIRST IS IF YOU KILL ME.] We do have a closer relationship with one another than I think most siblings have (much to our wives’ chagrin), and it’s led to occasional wonderment on the part of our mutual friends when they see us together, which is rare as we live in different cities and Juggernaut seems to think he never has to come visit. [Editor's Note: Unlike some people, demands are made of my time and I don't have summers and every school holiday off.] We do tend to know what we’re going to say or how we’ll react to a given situation. We also have many of the same mannerisms, which is probably to be expected seeing as how we lived in the same room for 18 long years (thanks again, Mom and Dad!). BigRedPoet will tell you that Juggernaut and I are indistinguishable on the phone. BRP once spent a couple minutes talking to Juggernaut thinking he was me as he was driving up to Dallas to meet us for a concert. We don’t intentionally dress alike (in fact, quite the opposite: in school we would go out of our way to make sure we were not wearing similar clothing, which probably accounts for the fact that we rarely fell into the various clothing fads during high school), though one time I returned home from college and walked in the door to find Juggernaut dressed in identical clothing, right down to the brown woven belts we both wore. He immediately changed his shirt. [Editor's Note: Absolutely true story. The family's laughter still rings in my ears.]

The point is that while we’re twins and share the same DNA, we’re different people. [Editor's Note: For example, I outweigh FC by about 40 lbs. I actually spend time in the weight room.] Though just how different is something I wonder about at times, and maybe Juggernaut does, too (psychic link isn’t working right now). [Editor's Note: Not working on his end, apparently.] So I’ve devised a test of a suitably trivial nature in order to satisfy my curiosity about our “connection,” so to speak. Juggernaut and I are going to each individually create a CD containing 20 songs and trade the discs next time we get together. There will be no communication about what songs we’re including, and there will be no list when the discs are traded. There will also be no “rick-rolling.” We each are attempting to give the other a collection of music that we believe the other one will enjoy.

Now, the real question is this: how many of the songs we each select will be the same (if any)? Also, will there be a discernible pattern to the songs in how they’re arranged on the disc? Consider this: both my twin and I have access to over 75,000 songs on our separated-by-150-miles hard drives (b/c a former student loaned me the hard drive of a defunct classic rock station), so it’s not like we’re just selecting music we’ve bought over our lifetimes – we have access to pretty much everything. Also, while both of us are longtime metal heads, we’ve both agreed not to merely give a CD containing 20 Anthrax/Slayer/Metallica/Megadeth songs, no matter how awesome that might be. [Editor's Note: And it WOULD be awesome.]

We’ll each report back once we exchange the discs and have a chance to give some thought as to our selections. [Editor's Note: This sounds suspiciously like a way to force me to write another post.] If nothing else, it should be entertaining to hear what Juggernaut has to say about the songs I’ve selected for him.

Dear Procrastinators,

The big E3 (Electronic Entertainment Expo) is going on this week. Microsoft, Sony & Nintendo all announced their new gaming technologies:

Sony: Wii-like controller

Nintendo: A new, more accurate, Wii controller

Microsoft: NO CONTROLLER NEEDED

Look ma, no hands!

It is obvious that Microsoft is the clear winner here.  Now you won’t even need to find (much less pick up) your controller to start playing.  You will just walk in front of your TV,  be recognized by the system  and start playing, Minority Report style.  You may even get some exercise from moving around as you make the on-screen character follow your moves.

But that will require work and effort, and therefore runs counter to everything this site believes in.

Fortunately, Procrastinators, I have a solution.   And it will be a reality in just a few years.

Researchers at Emotiv have figured out how to control objects on screen using brainwaves.  Imagine just thinking what your character should do and having it respond, all from the comfort of your couch with nary a need to lift a finger.   Shoot the bad guy?  Think it.  Pass the ball to T.O. in Madden? Think it. Exercise on your wii board? Think it.

This, my friends, is the future of gaming.

Careful! These brownies are special, and not in a good way.

There’s an email being forwarded around quite a bit that tells the story of a couple kids who want to go see a popular and critically successful movie that has material that some people might find objectionable, perhaps a sex scene, perhaps some language. The father of these two boys, who believes they should not go see the movie, attempts to teach them a lesson about the dangers of such entertainment by baking a batch of brownies and telling his sons that he’s used the highest quality ingredients, but added only a smidgen of horse manure to the batter. He then asks his sons if they feel “only a smidgen” of manure matters in the brownies, which otherwise are perfectly edible and tantalizing. The lesson, of course, is that the little bit of objectionable material ruins the entire thing, whether it be a film, a television show or a book, and is even potentially harmful.

This parable irritates me because the analogy it makes is patently false; viewing a movie or reading a novel containing some objectionable material and digesting manure-tainted brownies are two completely different processes. Most people, by using their brains (though I might be already assuming too much), can differentiate between what is “good” and what is “bad.” I’ve even heard that parents can teach their children to do so, and not be subject to the corruptive influence of the media (cue ominous music). The stomach, however, cannot differentiate between brownie batter and manure, and will attempt to digest everything that enters it. Yes, garbage-in/garbage-out works in the case of the stomach, but it’s not quite so easy when considering the brain.

For example, I teach Huckleberry Finn every year. The novel uses the word “nigger” a little over 200 times, and, if the above parable and its adherents are to be believed, after reading it, a reader should be more likely to actually use the word. But of course that’s ridiculous – it doesn’t happen. My students recognize the context of the word’s use and know that it is a word they neither want to use nor will use.

This modern-day parable is also refuted by the Bible, both in verse and as a work. There are any number of risque passages in the Old and New Testaments; a particular passage about a former prostitute and her longings for the old days comes to mind (Ezekial 23:19-20). There are many more like this one that you won’t hear on Sunday mornings, but were considered crucial by those compiling the books of the Bible. But no one’s calling to purge these verses from the work; in fact, my church gives copies of an unedited Bible to our fourth graders (gasp!). But we’re Lutheran, so we’ve historically been rebels.

The point? Every one of us has been blessed with a brain, and I’m troubled by how many people choose not to use it. As I’ve stated time and time again in my classes, context counts. And there’s a vast difference in reading the word “nigger” in Huck Finn and reading it in Klan propaganda, or between nudity seen when watching Schindler’s List and some late night Cinemax flick. If you suggest otherwise, you’re shoveling your special brownie ingredient.