The Daily Procrastinator

John Favreau, the accomplished director of the two Iron Man films (among others), recently gave an interview with MTV in which he commented on the next Iron Man movie and its possible villain, The Mandarin.

Iron Man 3's Villain?

“You have to do The Mandarin,” he said. “The problem with The Mandarin is, the way it’s depicted in the comic books, you don’t want to see that. He also has 10 magical rings, and it just doesn’t feel right for our thing, so it’s either tech-based or the rings are not really rings.”

“But maybe with ‘Thor’ and all those others you’ll introduce magic to that world and it won’t seem so out of place,” he said.

Okay, I LOVE what Favreau has done with the Iron Man films – he’s made ol’ Shell Head into one of the most successful comic-book movie franchises (behind Batman and a certain web-slinger which is now being rebooted), despite using a hero many non-comic book readers would consider a B-list hero – but let’s examine that last line a bit more closely: “introduce magic to that world and it won’t seem so out of place.”

Excuse me?

This is a world in which a man can create a body suit of armor in a few weeks using spare parts from stolen weapons.  This is a world in which the same man can create armor that flies at supersonic speeds and fires rockets and repulsor beams, all powered by a power cell that apparently has no ill-effects whatsoever, environmentally or physically. This is a world in which a man exposed to gamma radiation turns into a raging green behemoth when angry.  This is the same world in which a high school kid can get bitten by a radioactive spider and develop the proportional strength and reflexes (and webs!) of the arachnid.  And this is the same world in which people are born with latent fantastical powers (concussive eye-blasts, sheathed claws, the ability to control the weather, etc.) that manifest themselves at the onset of puberty.

And Favreau thinks magic would be “out of place”?

Sure, I agree that historically the character of the Mandarin has been a bit insensitive, a bit politically incorrect.  But Favreau’s not bound by that history (and the villain’s undergone a makeover recently in his comic book, anyway); look how he changed the character of Whiplash for the new film:

The comic book Whiplash

Iron Man 2's Whiplash

(By the way, anybody else notice the times Rourke wore his hair pulled up in a topknot, and how the hair had green highlights?  Well, I thought it was a clever nod.)

I’m worried, though, that Favreau thinks we movie-goers want the “real world” in our comic book movies.  Yeah, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight are praised for their realistic look at the Caped Crusader, but…come on.  It’s a guy in a bat costume whose extreme wealth allows him to buy any damn thing he needs.  And the arguments for the movies’ realism also ignore the incredible coincidences (and the impossible physics) that allow Batman to win the day.  Any discussion of “realism” and comic book movies completely misses the point of superheroes: it’s their extraordinary nature that leads us, the audience, to wonder, to be inspired, to dream.

I guess what I’m arguing is that magic in the Marvel Universe is just another power.  In a world where men and women fly or can lift buildings or turn invisible, what’s the difference if someone chants a few words and something fantastic happens?  And here’s a chance for Favreau to move beyond the technology themes he’s developed in the films so far, and address what can be considered technology’s opposite: mysticism. Favreau’s now made two movies that match Iron Man up against another technological terror; the Mandarin, though, comes from a very different tradition than Stark, and the east vs. west conflict represented by Stark and the Mandarin is and will continue to be relevant for the foreseeable future.

Movie-goers buying a ticket to an Iron Man movie aren’t going into it expecting realism – we want escapism.  We want to see what we’ve never seen before; we want to marvel at the feats of our heroes, we want to be entertained.    The magic of the Mandarin shouldn’t be a stumbling block for Favreau, it should be an opportunity for him to make some more of his own.

A new Spider-Man is coming at you in 2012

According to this article, Sony has decided to reboot the Spider-Man franchise now that director Sam Raimi has told the powers that be that he cannot meet the desired deadline for the 4th film (matters of artistic integrity, it seems).  I’m not entirely sad about this news, as Raimi’s penchant for ridiculous humor really irritated me at times, but he did give us the second Spider-Man movie, probably the third best superhero movie out there (after Iron Man and Dark Knight).   It also means that I won’t have to suffer through Tobey Maguire as  Peter Parker anymore – has there been a more uninteresting one-note actor? – nor will I any longer have to accept Kirsten Dunst as supermodel Mary Jane Watson.

There are, however, a couple things that really irritate me about this move by Sony.  One, I’m going to have to suffer through another origin movie when the next Spider-Man movie comes out.  I’d love to know how many audience members at a Spider-Man film are truly ignorant of how milquetoast Parker got his spider-powers. Two, I have no trust whatsoever that Sony and its hand-picked director will bother staying  true to the source material; Spider-Man 3 was clearly movie-by-committee, trying to incorporate too many plot points and too many villains (I dislike Venom, anyway), and I think Raimi’s hands were tied to a degree by corporate decree.  But then there’s the news of which direction the 4th movie would have gone: John Malkovich as  The Vulture and an actress to be names later as the Vulturess.  The Vulture – another flying villain and an octogenarian at that?  What about the Lizard, whose alter-ego, Dr. Curt Connors, has been seen in both the second and third films? And for the non-Spider-Man readers out there: there’s no such villainess as the Vulturess – never has been.  And the name’s stupid, too.

A much better choice of villain for Spider-Man

I suspect the powers-that-be at Sony want a younger cast with a more open direction, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that – it worked wonders for Batman – but I also worry that they will sacrifice character in favor of marketing numbers.  Spider-Man is the biggest name in the Marvel pantheon, and Sony’s only real motivation will be money, as they know that fans of the character will continue to pay to see the films.

What I really wish is that Marvel Studios could buy back the rights to the character – a definite possibility since Disney has purchased the House of Ideas.  As seen with Iron Man and the latest Hulk film, when Marvel has final say-so over the script and production values, they turn out some truly incredible films.  Let’s hope that, no matter who ends up producing the new Spider-Man films, quality story-telling will win out.

Though I fear history suggests otherwise.

Rule #34: See this film immediately

Zombieland, and I mean this in the most admiring way, is a fast-food movie. Just as Super-Sonic Cheeseburgers aren’t wolfed down for their nutritional value, Zombieland is mindless fun: it’s hilarious, winks at the audience continually, and takes well-deserved shots at the now-established traditions of zombie flicks.

No where are these shots more obvious than in Columbus’ (Jesse Eisenburg) rules for survival (“Rule #1: Cardio” – as scenes of fat guys being chased down by zombies are played). Throughout the film, Eisenberg’s rules are displayed on screen as those who fail to follow the rules end up as human tartare for the zombies. The gore of these kills, though, is more cartoonish than frightening, and only serves to elevate the humor of the film. Dispatched zombies (of which there are plenty), are always accompanied by satisfyingly large splatterings of blood and bile as it’s vital not to forget Rule #2: the Double Tap.

Batter up!

The plot (okay, the term is used a bit loosely here) of the movie centers around Eisenberg’s milquetoast, who is attempting to make his way back to his hometown (Columbus) to see if his parents are still alive. This journey is interrupted by Tallahassee (a screamingly funny Woody Harrelson), a man with two drives in life: revenge against zombies and a quest to find Twinkies. These two later take up with two other survivors, Wichita (Emma Stone) and her 12 year old sister Little Rock (Abigail Breslin). The city names are references to their hometowns, as Tallahassee wishes to avoid any emotional attachment (which, in the movie’s only truly sentimental moment, is revealed why later). The four end up traveling together to California to search for zombie-free areas.

The cast of Zombieland

So much of the fun of the movie is seeing the relationship develop between Tallahassee and Columbus, as their back and forth bantering and antagonization of each other reveals real comic timing. But, of course, the true hilarity of the film comes with the creative zombie deaths – look for the “Zombie Kill of the Week” performed by a nun with a piano. And a certain movie star’s cameo is inspired (don’t look at imdb’s credits if you want to be surprised).

At a running time of just about an hour and a half, Zombieland never has a chance to go stale, and remains pitch perfect in its blend of humor and horror. But don’t be fooled: this movie is first and foremost a comedy, and the frights only serve to set up the reactions from the film’s players. If you’re looking for a post-apocalyptic film with a message, wait for Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. If you want some fries with your zombies, though, Zombieland‘s being served at a theater near you.

Coming soon to your living room?

I remember my first 3-D movie: it was Jaws 3-D, and the memory of that 35 foot long (no shit) great white shark exploding and half of its jaw bone floating right before my eyes is something I still recall fairly vividly today.

Meh. The shark still looks fake

But that’s probably because I was 10 years old at the time. The novelty of wearing those cardboard glasses and seeing the images pop out at me made that abomination of a movie different, but definitely not better. Memories of watching non-3-D movies like Star Wars and Raiders of the Lost Ark are just as vivid in my mind.

Flash forward, oh, 20+ years later and the 3-D movie experience hasn’t changed all that much: we’re still expected to wear the glasses (now plastic and at a surcharge) and, perhaps beyond a few scenes, the 3-D experience doesn’t add a heck of a lot to the Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs movie watching experience.

Unless maybe you’re 10.

Which is why all this talk of 3-D television baffles me. Apparently Sony and Panasonic think the next big thing is television sets that will allow us the experience of 3-D right in our living rooms. But who on earth wants that? 3-D movies work (occasionally) for kid movies and as a gimmick for tired sequels (i.e., Jaws 3-D; Friday the 13th, 3-D; Final Destination 3-D), but beyond that, no one except the money-grubbing studios are clamoring for these films to be made.

Let’s look at the reasons this idea is bound for failure:

1) Size of the screen: 3-D movies work because everything is so huge. Yes, televisions are larger today, and getting larger, yet most homes will have a limit to both budget and space available. Small images floating in front of a small screen just won’t make as much of an impression.

2) 3-D is a social experience: When objects jump out at audiences in 3-D movies, the creators want a reaction out of the audience. We attempt to move out of the way when an object is thrown “at us” – and we shriek and laugh along with the rest of the audience after it happens. At home, there’s generally not going to be a large viewing audience, so that interaction is lost.

3) High Definition. HD TV is a phenomenal upgrade from standard definition, the pictures are gorgeous, and it’s practically brand new. When we upgraded to a 1080p TV, my wife and I sat stunned by the picture quality our Blu-Ray movies provided, and commented that they practically looked three dimensional. And this was without a set of those damned glasses! Speaking of which…

4) Those damned glasses. What guy wants to sit down to watch Monday Night Football wearing a pair of ill-fitting glasses? Who will watch CSI: Miami which will have only two truly 3-D moments in the entire show (one being when Caruso’s shades come flying toward you in the first two minutes)? We have 3-D televised events already (Superbowl commercials/half-times; Disney channel movies), and these are met largely with skepticism if not completely disregarded. And, hell, I have a hard enough time finding my remote – how am I going to keep up with a pair of cheap plastic glasses?

I suppose I could be wrong, but 3-D television, in my eyes, has “failed experiment” written all over it. It’s not 10 year olds buying the TVs, and, unless the technology makes giant leaps over the next year or so, 3-D television will be the next “Beta” of the entertainment industry.

Now, all bets are off if the porn industry gets involved…

I have, in the past, admitted to a girl crush on Felicia Day (you should, too, especially since the release of Do You Want to Date My Avatar?). But she’s not the only actor from the Whedon world that I have a particular interest in, although she might be the only one who smells like fresh laundry and a cupcake.

I should probably say upfront that I don’t know what it is about Joss, but he attracts actors who seem so… normal. I’m not one of those deranged people who thinks that Sarah Michelle Gellar is really Buffy, or Neil Patrick Harris is actually Dr. Horrible. But if the Twitterings of Whedonites are any indication of their off-screen personalities, he has an amazing ability to attract cool and interesting people. I’d love to go to a Red Sox game with Eliza Dushku. I’d gladly have dinner with Jewel Staite. I’d have Alyson Hannigan and her family over for a low-key cookout (after all, it’s tough to make it through a restaurant meal with an infant). But the person who would leave me jabbering like an idiot is Nathan Fillion.

These are not the hammer.

I’ve been watching Nathan for a while, ever since he appeared on Buffy. I was a fan of Firefly (please tell me that you’ve already watched the series once or twice or more) and I was delighted to see him appear as Captain Hammer in Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. I was thrilled to hear that Castle was renewed for a second season. I’m a huge fan of anything that means that I get to watch more Nathan Fillion.

This topic came up recently with a friend who wanted to know who my Free Pass Five were. Hers had Brad Pitt and Derek Jeter. Mine had Nathan Fillion. Much to my surprise, when I mentioned his name, she swooned. “Ooh! Captain Tightpants!” To think, I didn’t even know that she watched Firefly….

So Nathan, if you ever happen to meet a 6-foot-tall woman who babbles incoherently in your presence, say hello. And then maybe invite me out for coffee. I promise that given enough time, I’ll be able to form proper sentences and have a great conversation.

This is part 5 of a series of posts looking back at the Marvel/Epic Comics title “The Alien Legion.”

After a 20 issue first volume of The Alien Legion, the editors at Epic decided it was time for a change of the status quo for Nomad Squadron and made the call to reboot the series. Their first move? Getting rid of that pesky “The” in the title:

The powers that be wanted to streamline the series a bit, emphasizing fewer characters and providing “grittier” storylines, which meant that the environmental and other social cause subplots would disappear with more of an emphasis on violent conflict. New blood (Chuck Dixon) was also brought in to help script/plot the series, though Potts would remain on staff.

The series actually opens two years after the original series ended, where we find (now) Major Sarigar leading a new squadron into battle. What happened to Nomad, you ask? Apparently it was a mission gone bad, with all the legionnaires lost on a hostile planet on which they had been dropped, as usual, ill-prepared for what they’d find:

For the past two years, then, Sarigar has been haunted by his perceived failure and the loss of his best team. He apparently has also continually requested the opportunity to go back to Hellscape to try to find either survivors…or remains, though to no avail.

The last straw for Sarigar comes in a bar where a few legionnaires openly mock him for the loss of Nomad and declaring him a coward. He resigns his position in the Legion (then beats the HELL out of said soldiers), and makes an oath to himself to discover the fate of Nomad. Through some nice detective work, and the financial backing of his former lieutenant’s father (Torie Montroc), Sarigar learns that some members of Nomad might still be alive, and so he returns to the planet in search of answers.

Through the aid of a Quaalian prisoner, Sarigar is able to locate Jugger Grimrod and Torie first. Jugger’s pretty much unchanged, though Torie, as the first volume’s noble, at times too trusting lieutenant is now a withdrawn and blunt hardcase. Two years of being in hiding with Jugger does that to a man. So is seeing two of your legionnaires tortured and eaten by scavengers. Torqa Dun and Durge didn’t survive the planet, or, more directly, the reboot of the title:

Rounding out the survivors would be Meico, the four-armed telepathic medic; Tamara, the late addition to Nomad discussed last time; and Zeerod, a wolf-like humanoid who lost his legs on the planet. The reunion is an awkward one, though that wears off quickly as the Quaalians mount an attack on the squad allowing the troops to take out their frustrations in an appropriately violent fashion. Sarigar marvels at the changes in his former squadron, but nonetheless decides that the best thing for them is to reform as Nomad Squadron.

After some impassioned appeals and some called-in favors, Sarigar has his wish granted and Nomad is recreated as a strike force. But first, he’ll have to recruit some more legionnaires…

Next week: the new members of Nomad and Jugger gets promoted (really!)

This is part 4 of a series of posts looking back at the Marvel/Epic Comics title “The Alien Legion.”

The end of volume one of The Alien Legion would come with the publication of issue 20, much to the surprise of readers.  No warning had been given in the pages of the comic that the series would end, and the letters pages continued to respond to fans’ ideas and praise as if the writers had no end in sight for Nomad Squadron.  Epic had even seen the publication of Alien Legion’s first graphic novel.

Of course, this was the mid-80s, long before the internet would come along and allow comics readers to know about upcoming titles, plot lines, and cancellations.  We were tougher back then, not as spoiled as today’s comic readers – and we all walked three miles uphill in the snow each week for our pull lists – so we were able to blithely read each issue, always sure that we’d see more of Jugger and Sarigar next month.

Perhaps fans should have seen the cancellation coming, though. The last few issues of volume one, admittedly, fell into a bit of a rut, as Nomad Squadron would land on a planet, face a hostile indigenous race, blast the hell out of them because they had no other options, and in the process lose an occasional legionnaire here or there.

It was during this last stretch that the writers would finally introduce female legionnaires, too.  There had been many letters questioning the lack of females in the Legion (and also many saying “keep ‘em out”), and by the time issue 16 came around Nomad Squadron  and readers were introduced to Tamara, a new recruit who is easy on the eyes, but hard on the jaw:

It was, in my opinion, a testament to the writers that they took fan input seriously.  I don’t know that today’s Marvel or DC would adjust their story lines as significantly (hell, even at all) as Epic did, and not make it a patronizing gesture.  Far from it – Tamara would be put through her paces through the next four issues, holding her own and then some when compared with regulars Jugger, Torqa Dun, and Zeerod.  Still, the change in the status quo (and the scenery) wasn’t quite enough to keep The Alien Legion going, and, after a twentieth issue that saw the members of Nomad Squadron forced to hunt one of their own for desertion, with an unsettling conclusion, the letters page closed out with a brief note that surely stunned readers:

The shock wore off quickly, though, as those madcaps at Epic had included another box just below that one:

And so the loyal readers were promised a new Alien Legion series, featuring some familiar faces, and even more new ones, and, as they say, an all new format.   But how would this second volume compare with the first?  Come back next Thursday to find out…

This is part 3 of a series of posts looking back at the Marvel/Epic Comics title “The Alien Legion.”

The early issues of volume one would see Potts and Zelenetz experimenting a bit with the story-telling, tacking on an epilogue to the main story which would add further detail to a particular plot point seen in the issue.  Oftentimes these epilogues would serve as methods by which we would learn more about a particular character, as seen here where Sarigar is seen apparently deep in thought about something…

This scene would be left behind, with most readers (like myself) probably thinking that Sarigar was tense about the situation his squadron faced.  Come to find out, he was actually thinking about his sister and her betrayal of his trust…

These extra tales would end by issue six, probably because by this point readers were familiar with the main characters and the pages could then be used to advance the main plot.

Force Nomad would see a variety of adventures in this first run, and they really started hitting a stride by issue 7, where Nomad finds itself escorting a pair of magistrates back to the judiciary, though several members hold grudges against a figure they view as nosy and unappreciative of their efforts to recover a bomb from the Harkilons.  And probably not a coincidence, it’s issue 7 where the until now little seen Jugger Grimrod really starts to take center stage.  And it’s not because of his winning personality…

Jugger would probably be recognized as the Wolverine of this team: a violent loner who doesn’t have much use for authority figures, though unlike Wolverine Grimrod has no real moral code except to look out for himself.  This arc would really bring Grimrod into the limelight as a force to be reckoned with in Nomad, and he would continue to be a central character throughout the series, and particularly in the second volume a couple years later.

After the magistrate’s introduction to some of Nomad, the ship ends up being attacked by the Harkilons, and after both ships suffer damage, both Nomad and the Harkilons end up crashlanding on a nearby planet.  Jugger comes close to killing the magistrate who could identify him as an escaped murderer, but the Harkilons end up capturing and torturing him for information about the location of the Legionnaire’s ship, as their craft is beyond repair.  Jugger refuses to talk, but the crafty Harkilons allow him to believe he escapes after having secretly implanted a bug on his person, very similar to when the Imperials traced the Millenium Falcon back to the Rebel Base in the first Star Wars.

One of Grimrod’s character defining moments comes in the middle of a Harkilon ambush, where just before he and another legionnaire named Mescad come across the heavily wounded Bospor.  Jugger attempts to convince Mescad to cut and run, leaving the Bospor behind to die, while Mescad struggles with the idea:

Mescad eventually decides that Jugger is right, though it weighs on his conscience.  As for the Bospor, well, the Bospor doesn’t make it…

This storyline would eventually see Nomad Squadron  join forces with the Harkilons to fight a more dangerous indigenous life form on the planet.  This decision would have repercussions that would reverberate throughout the rest of the volume one, as we’ll see next week.

Next Thursday: the end of Volume One…

Plenty of sites and magazines give previews of the new television shows hitting the airwaves each season. The DP isn’t one of them. No, the DP has no access to previews or screenings of these shows, and because of this we don’t feel an obligation to be nice when talking about the recycled, tired garbage the networks are going to be attempting to foist on us this fall. We have something better than previews, though: instinct. And we’re here to tell you which new shows you should pay attention to, and, more importantly, which shows not to get emotionally attached to, because they’re not long for this world (Trauma is already hemorrhaging).

A few caveats here: 1) I’m not looking at HBO shows – no real reason why, except those fuckers are responsible for True Blood and I’m getting sick of hearing/reading about that soap opera (that’s all it is, people – a soap with mythological characters, Rogue getting naked, and bad accents). 2) No reality shows are being mentioned. They thrive on appealing to the lowest common denominator, and I’ve found the LCD always manages to surprise me with their poor taste. And 3) I’m not mentioning actors in the series unless for some reason its pertinent to my prediction…or if there’s a good pic of an actress available.

So let’s start with CBS’s new shows:

Accidentally on Purpose – Mondays, 8:30/9:30

Stop me if you’ve heard this storyline before – a babe gets knocked up by someone who would normally not be on her radar, and then they decide to keep the kid and see where that takes them. Yeah, it’s stolen from Knocked Up, though it throws in another love interest for the girl. Whoop-de-doo. This is attempting to draw in the HIMYM and Big Bang Theory crowd, so it’s got a chance, but I’m betting that crowd has seen Knocked Up too and won’t feel the need to see a serialized small screen version.

The Good Wife – Tues. 9/10

The wife of a shady politician has to go back to work at a law firm when her husband goes to jail. Topical, and I really like Julianna Margulies, but the point about her working at a law firm leaves me cold. Too many damn shows out there with the court system, and I’m sure there will be a lot of emotional cases Margulies will get involved in: abused children, battered wives, etc., so it will become a courtroom drama. And dramas focused on leading women haven’t traditionally lasted on the Big Three (Providence, The Ghost Whisperer, …ok, that’s all I’ve got).

NCIS: LA – Tuesdays, 9/8

Can anyone actually watch Chris O’Donnell for a straight hour? His movie career says “NO.” LL Cool J is also part of the cast of this criminal investigation drama – yes, another one (which makes, what, 15 such shows, 8 of them with the letters “CSI” in them?) – and without Mark Harmon this time there goes the moms over 35 audience. But CBS is pretty good about marketing its crime shows, and with the names attached it’ll get at least two seasons. But I’ll be damned if you’ll be able to find anyone who admits to watching it.

Three Rivers – Sundays, 9/8

A medical drama revolving around transplant doctors. A tear-jerker to be sure, but it’s locked into a limited formula from the get-go. They’ll be telling stories from three perspectives (doctors, patient, donor), so there will be a lot of human interest, but CBS has not faired well with medical dramas since Chicago Hope which ended in 2000 ( L.A Doctors and City of Angels both might as well have been DOA). Still, CBS audiences tend to like limited formulas, and with the passing of ER, and the fact that older audiences probably find House too edgy, I’ll say the network finally will have an established medical drama to hang its hat on.

Next time: NBC’s new shows

The Mouse House is apparently looking at buying the House of Ideas. This seems like a positive for both companies, as Marvel would be joining forces with one of the most recognized companies in the world and Disney would have access to Marvel’s seemingly endless supply of superheroes. Disney would more than likely see an increase in its appeal among boys and possibly see Pixar movies involving the Marvel characters (hell, this 37-year old is excited about that possibility).

But are there risks involved with this buy-out? Jokes are made in the above article about Spider-Man appearing in A Bug’s Life sequel, but could Disney actually end up affecting the presentation/appearance of Marvel superheroes in future movies/video games/products?

See for yourself below the Disney buyout of Marvel gone wrong: