The Daily Procrastinator

Careful! These brownies are special, and not in a good way.

There’s an email being forwarded around quite a bit that tells the story of a couple kids who want to go see a popular and critically successful movie that has material that some people might find objectionable, perhaps a sex scene, perhaps some language. The father of these two boys, who believes they should not go see the movie, attempts to teach them a lesson about the dangers of such entertainment by baking a batch of brownies and telling his sons that he’s used the highest quality ingredients, but added only a smidgen of horse manure to the batter. He then asks his sons if they feel “only a smidgen” of manure matters in the brownies, which otherwise are perfectly edible and tantalizing. The lesson, of course, is that the little bit of objectionable material ruins the entire thing, whether it be a film, a television show or a book, and is even potentially harmful.

This parable irritates me because the analogy it makes is patently false; viewing a movie or reading a novel containing some objectionable material and digesting manure-tainted brownies are two completely different processes. Most people, by using their brains (though I might be already assuming too much), can differentiate between what is “good” and what is “bad.” I’ve even heard that parents can teach their children to do so, and not be subject to the corruptive influence of the media (cue ominous music). The stomach, however, cannot differentiate between brownie batter and manure, and will attempt to digest everything that enters it. Yes, garbage-in/garbage-out works in the case of the stomach, but it’s not quite so easy when considering the brain.

For example, I teach Huckleberry Finn every year. The novel uses the word “nigger” a little over 200 times, and, if the above parable and its adherents are to be believed, after reading it, a reader should be more likely to actually use the word. But of course that’s ridiculous – it doesn’t happen. My students recognize the context of the word’s use and know that it is a word they neither want to use nor will use.

This modern-day parable is also refuted by the Bible, both in verse and as a work. There are any number of risque passages in the Old and New Testaments; a particular passage about a former prostitute and her longings for the old days comes to mind (Ezekial 23:19-20). There are many more like this one that you won’t hear on Sunday mornings, but were considered crucial by those compiling the books of the Bible. But no one’s calling to purge these verses from the work; in fact, my church gives copies of an unedited Bible to our fourth graders (gasp!). But we’re Lutheran, so we’ve historically been rebels.

The point? Every one of us has been blessed with a brain, and I’m troubled by how many people choose not to use it. As I’ve stated time and time again in my classes, context counts. And there’s a vast difference in reading the word “nigger” in Huck Finn and reading it in Klan propaganda, or between nudity seen when watching Schindler’s List and some late night Cinemax flick. If you suggest otherwise, you’re shoveling your special brownie ingredient.

 There’s good procrastination and there’s bad procrastination. Waiting for your computer to boot up is bad procrastination. Follow the steps below to get your computer back to top shape:

1) Defrag your system. Download this: jkdefrag-screensaver-and-pagedefrag file (JkDefrag ScreenSaver and PageDefrag.zip), unzip it and follow the instructions.  It will install two free programs on your computer.  One will defrag your system in place of your screensaver, so it only runs when you’re not using the PC (don’t be afraid to interrupt it when it’s running either, it’ll just start up where it left off the next time it runs).  The other defrags system files when your computer reboots.

2) Scan for spyware. Download the free version of SuperAntispyware.  After it installs have it update and run a full scan on your system.  When it’s done and you’ve deleted anything it may have found go into the “Preferences” and untick the “Start SuperAntispyware when Windows starts” box and the “Show SuperAntispyware icon in the system tray” box.  This way the program will only be running when you want it to.

3) Clean junk files from you hard drive and Registry. Download CCleaner (stands for Crap Cleaner).  It’s free, just pay attention when installing it as you’ll need to uncheck the option install a Yahoo toolbar.  After it’s installed run the “Cleaner” option and then the “Registry” option.  When it’s about to make changes to the Registry it’ll ask you for a place to save the backup file.  I just put mine in the same folder I installed CCleaner to.

When you run CCleaner it’s best to close any open browsers first so it can properly clean out your cookies.  Some websites, like Yahoo! Mail, use cookies to keep you logged in, though.  So if you like that option you can make CCleaner keep specific cookies.  The best way to do it first run CCleaner and delete all your cookies.  Then open your browser and login to the sites you want to keep cookies for.  Open CCleaner -> Select “Options” -> Select “Cookies” and then simply select the few cookies you want to keep.

4) Reduce the number of programs that start with Windows. Lots of programs try to be “helpful” by preloading when Windows starts.  Some will also load update checking modules when windows starts as well.  Most of the time they do not need to be running at startup (Quicktime, Adobe Acrobat, etc.).

Download Autoruns from Microsoft.  The program doesn’t need to be installed, but you should place it in its own folder before you run it.  This program is going to give you a list of everything that starts when you computer boots.  The list is huge and can be intimidating.  You really only need to concern yourself with one of the tabs.  So after the program starts click the “Logon” tab.  Any program that does not list Microsoft under the “Publisher” column is pretty much fair game. If you don’t want it to start just untick the box next to it.

If you are not sure what a program is just left click on it and select the “Search Online” option to see if you can get info about it on the internet.  If you think you’ve made a mistake just start Autoruns again and tick the box.  It’s that simple.

Additionally, some programs will have a setting for preventing it from starting up with Windows in the program’s own Options or Preferences settings.

5. You should also run a check disk on your drive(s). When you do it select both options (“Automatically fix file system errors” and  “Scan and attempt recovery of bad sectors”).  After you click “Start” it’ll tell you that it can’t run right now, so it’ll offer to run on the next reboot.  Accept that and then reboot your computer.  DO NOT MAKE ANY PLANS TO USE YOUR PC FOR ANYWHERE FROM ONE TO FOUR HOURS.  It’s best to start this before you go to bed at night. DO NOT INTERRUPT THE CHECKDISK PROCESS ONCE IT HAS BEGUN.

6. One last thing you can do (after running the defrag and checkdisk) is to make sure you hard drive is running in DMA mode. Whenever your computer loads data off the hard drive it runs error checking on the data.  If it detects too many errors it will slow down the data rate by putting your drive in PIO mode.  Here’s some info on checking your hard drive’s transfer mode and how to change it back to DMA. If it is in PIO mode doing the maintenance I’ve previously mentioned should allow it to run in successful in DMA mode.

If your system keeps switching your drive back to PIO mode you’ve got a problem.  You may need to replace your hard drive.

7.  One final tip:  uninstall all the programs you don’t use. If you never use it I’d uninstall JAVA and then disable its use in your browser.  If you do get rid of JAVA you should also uninstall the version that comes with Windows by running this tool.

Getting information is too much work. There’s no need to browse around to multiple web sites and reload CNN.com every few minutes to get the latest and greatest anymore. Let me show you how to let information come to you, so you can spend more time relaxing, reading and most importantly, procrastinate more.

RSS - (Real Simple Syndication). On most sites these days, you’ll see this image:

RSS Link

This means that you can subscribe to the information the site publishes and pull it into an “RSS Reader”. An RSS reader can be Bloglines.com (my fav), Google Reader or any of hundreds of different software readers out there you can install on your computer or phone. By just using any of the above, you’ve just saved yourself a ton of time by not having to check, or bookmark any of the individual sites that you used to visit. 

Twitter – For real time news, sign up for Twitter. Then follow the people / items you want. Be it Oprah (who for some reason is tweeting to Ashton right now) or CNN. If there’s a topic you’re interested in following in detail, simply go to Twitter Search and search for it and add it to your RSS feed from above. Twitter search also allows you to see in real time what people are talking about on their home page. Besides having Twitter on your phone as an application, you can set Twitter to SMS/Text you Tweets you want in real-time, or you can get yourself a Twitter desktop client.

For Windows users, I recommend Digsby, which also allows you to set up IM accounts for Yahoo, Facebook, MSN, AOL, etc so you don’t have to have multiple IM clients installed.

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That’s all you need. By using these tools available right now, you’ll save time and be more informed when it happens, without having to refresh your browser even once. 

As a writer, a reader, and a functionally intelligent person, very few things grate on my nerves more than blatant misuses of the English language. After reading that first sentence, some people will roll their eyes and think, “Here we go again. Another English snob is about to get on his soapbox. It doesn’t matter if I speak proper English, as long as people understand me.” Wrong! Unless you’re a wallflower or a stalker, your spoken English is one of the first things a new acquaintance is likely to notice about you. Depending upon who your new acquaintance is, speaking improper English could cost you a new friendship, a date, or even a job. It could also cause you to be mocked mercilessly as soon as you’re out of earshot.

ENGLISH, MUTHAF@%#ER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?

It doesn’t take much effort to speak proper English, and the effort will pay remarkable dividends. In a world which is deeply concerned (even obsessed, I might say) with image, I’m shocked at how many people ignore the effect their spoken English has on their images.

I’m not going to point out such linguistic faux pas as “irregardless” and “a whole nother.” Doubtless, if you care about your spoken English at all, you already avoid these mistakes. Allow me to point out, though, a few other quick-fix ideas for polishing your spoken English so you can project an intelligent image.

Collective Nouns: I recently read an article about a shark attack, which is a pretty awesome topic. The following sentence, though, is not awesome.

The group were about to leave the deep waters south of the Mississippi River’s mouth, when Mr. McInnis found himself alone in the company of a tiger shark.

The problem here is that the writer’s subject, “group,” is a collective noun, which is a linguistic stumbling block for many people. Collective nouns are nouns for collections of things (obviously). Examples include words like: family, flock, team. Because these collections contain many members (a flock is made up of many birds, for example), people tend to make the mistake of using the verb conjugation that should be associated with plural nouns. This is why the above writer incorrectly chose “were.” The mistake is simple. No matter how many people are in the group, there’s still just one group. Thus, the noun “group” calls for verbs that would accompany a singular subject. After revision, the sentence should read as follows.

The group was about to leave the deep waters south of the Mississippi River’s mouth, when Mr McInnis found himself alone in the company of a tiger shark.

Before we leave this sentence, I must also point out that one cannot possibly be “alone in the company of a tiger shark.” The word “alone” implies that one is…well…alone.

Pronoun/Antecedent Agreement: Here’s another mistake I hear constantly. In general conversation, sentences like this one are not uncommon:

Whenever a co-worker gives you a gift, you should send them a thank-you note.

This speaker’s pronoun, “them,” does not agree with his antecedent, “co-worker.” The pronoun is plural, while the antecedent is clearly singular. There are two ways to fix this little blunder. One possibility is to insert singular pronouns which match the singular antecedent.

Whenever a co-worker gives you a gift, you should send him or her a thank-you note.

The other option is to change the antecedent to a plural so that it agrees with the plural pronoun.

Whenever co-workers give you gifts, you should send them thank-you notes.

Improper Uses of “You”: This is probably the most commonly occurring error on the list. Apparently, it has become impolite, inappropriate, or uncool to talk about oneself at all. For example, during a recent conversation about memorable vacations, a friend made the following statement.

When we were near the top of Mt. Fuji, the view was amazing. You could see for miles.

Instantly, I thought, “I could? I could? I most certainly could not! I wasn’t even there!” Somehow, though, my friend found it appropriate to use a second-person pronoun. Why? A friend of mine who teaches keeps a running list of her favorite misuses of “you.” Here are some of the highlights:

• When you do cocaine, your pulse races and your pupils dilate.
• There is no shock like the shock you feel when your girlfriend dumps you.
• When you kill someone, you do not deserve to live in prison.

To the best of my knowledge, my friend does not use hard narcotics, is not a lesbian, and has never killed anyone, no matter how badly she wants to. Improper uses of “you,” though, have implied that she does all of these things.

Be careful, procrastinators. Your spoken English makes a lasting impression on those around you, and you don’t want to be remembered as an ignoramus. You also don’t want Samuel L. Jackson to be angry with you.

American author John Updike died on the morning of January 27. As soon as I read the headlines announcing his death, my mind immediately transported me to moments in my life when I encountered Updike’s work. As a freshman in college, I was assigned his short story A&P for an entry-level literature course. I distinctly recall sitting in a dimly-lit back corner of the university library and being totally absorbed in the world of the story, cheering for Sammy as he took a stand against his overbearing boss, only to grieve at its futility moments later. The honesty of the characters’ emotions and the depth to which Updike understands human nature made such a distinct impression on me that my reading of A&P stands out in my mind as one of the defining moments of literary life.

Three years and two colleges farther down my road, summer hung heavily upon southern California, and we students hadn’t much to do between classes. We sat inside the air-conditioned Student Union building, mostly, and wiled away the hours in idle chat. Among the most popular topics of these chats was baseball. As I encouraged everyone within earshot to read Malamud’s The Natural, a friend sauntered into the room, recently liberated from a class in Spanish or psychology or some other undergraduate drudgery, and butted into my monologue. “If you want to read good baseball writing,” he told me, “go find Updike’s Hub Fans Bid Kid Adieu.” A few days later, once again enshrined in a university library, while reading Updike’s account of Ted Williams’ career and final game with the Red Sox, I was struck with awe at the grandeur of The Splendid Splinter. Although I’d never seen Williams play and didn’t consider myself a fan, the power of Updike’s words transported me to a time and place that enveloped me as truly and completely as my own memories.

After my years in university libraries finally paid dividends, I found myself in the lucky position of choosing pieces of literature to teach in a 10th-grade English classroom. As I considered characterization, metaphor, and themes to which teenagers could truly relate, I settled upon Updike’s poem Ex-Basketball Player for inclusion in my curriculum. Every year, I watch as students slowly nod their heads, beginning to grasp the metaphor of Pearl Avenue as Flick Webb’s life, the contrast between five “idiot pumps” on each side of the gas station and the five graceful athletes Flick once called his teammates, Flick’s disillusionment as he stares into the tiny, silent bleachers filled with dimestore candies. Even to the teenaged mind, Updike is good.

Those who are familiar with Updike’s work have undoubtedly noticed that I haven’t begun to scratch the surface of his accomplishments, and I confess that I have no intentions of doing so. These three pieces are all I have read of Updike’s voluminous contribution to American letters, but they are enough to convince me that we have lost a master today.

I’m a high school English teacher, and have been for the past eleven years. How I got into teaching is a long, drawn-out story that I won’t bore you with right now, but at the base of it is a love of literature and a love of writing. My favorite novel, and the one I look forward to teaching each year, is Mark Twain’s Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, and its power continues to affect me and my students every time. I’m not kidding – I get tears in my eyes every time Huck tears up that letter (if you’re not familiar with that moment, READ THE BOOK).

Which is why I take efforts to remove Huck Finn from school reading lists so personally.

The latest attempt is currently occurring in Washington at Ridgefield High School, and this time it’s not a parent whose knee-jerk reaction to the word “nigger” (repeated over 200 times in the work) is causing the controversy, but an English teacher’s request. Ridgefield English teacher John Foley wrote a guest column for a Seattle paper where he wrote:

“The time has arrived to update the literature we use in high school classrooms […] Barack Obama is president-elect of the United States, and novels that use the ‘N-word’ repeatedly need to go.”

But I would ask, why stop there, Mr. Foley? As long as we’re ignoring any and all context in which novels are written, let’s not read anything that might prove offensive or detrimental to students’ feelings. After all, aren’t ALL students’ feelings worth considering, not just our African-American ones? With this threat in mind, I started looking through my own high school’s reading list in an effort to determine which works could be targeted.

Let’s start with the word “nigger” – obviously, Twain’s Huck Finn is gone. Tom Sawyer is, too. So are any number of his short stories and essays, including a scathing condemnation of a southern lynching entitled “Only a Nigger.” But Twain’s not the only author whose works will be culled. So, too, will Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird and John Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men. William Faulkner’s “A Rose for Emily” is removed, as are any number of his novels. Flannery O’Connor is also guilty of using the word in a few of her stories. Catch-22 is gone. A few Hemingway works won’t make the cut (including The Sun Also Rises) and, to be consistent, neither will Ralph Ellison’s Invisible Man, Ernest Gaines’ A Lesson Before Dying, Richard Wright’s novels Black Boy and Native Son, and Frederick Douglass’ Autobiography (and most other slave narratives I’ve read). So right there we’ve effectively silenced four of the greatest African-American voices in American literature. But, hey, at least students won’t be exposed to the word “nigger,” right?

Swear words (not just racial epithets) are offensive, too. Good-bye, Catcher in the Rye, Of Mice and Men, Cold Mountain, Catch-22, Invisible Man, A Lesson Before Dying, and Fahrenheit-451 (oh, the irony!). The boys of Lord of the Flies should have their mouths washed out with soap, and Orwell’s 1984 is horrid. Rudolfo Anaya’s Bless Me, Ultima is gone (and I haven’t even mentioned the witchcraft in that one…oops), as are Seabiscuit and A Separate Peace. Don’t even get me started on Grendel, that monster (why can’t he act civilized?). Also gone, it should be noted, is Foley’s suggested replacement Going After Cacciato (which I love, too). No wonder I hear all sorts of curse words in the hallways – the literature students are reading is setting the standard.

Let’s move on to not just words, but actions (actions speak louder than words, you know). I know many people find sex offensive, particularly between unmarried people. So, so long, Scarlet Letter and Cold Mountain; good bye, Romeo and Juliet. The Great Gatsby has an affair in it, so scratch that, and the trouble in Arthur Miller’s The Crucible all starts with an affair between John Proctor and Abigail (but maybe we can leave that one in, since John is hanged at the end). Wait a minute – Willy Loman has an affair in Death of a Salesman – obviously Miller has some strange fixation on sexual trysts so let’s ban ‘em both. Catch-22, A Lesson Before Dying, and Invisible Man are now three-time offenders, so perhaps we can burn them and drive home the point (I mean, do they have ANY redeemable qualities? Oops, that’s beside the point). Dances with Wolves - Dunbar masturbates! And then he fools around with Stands With a Fist (this is after being fondled by some young indian, oops, Native-American women). The senior level reading list is chock-full of sex (implicit and explicit) — Kate Chopin, you’re not fooling anyone. Nude women abound in The Odyssey, and The Picture of Dorian Gray is scandalous (the foreword Wilde writes notwithstanding). Not a sexual episode, but in Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels the titular Gulliver actually pees on a house to douse a fire – how lewd! Students don’t need to be reading that, it’s distracting and they’d laugh, and then the next thing we know THEY’LL be peeing on house fires (maybe we could just excise that portion).

And what about witchcraft? Of course there’s Anaya’s Bless Me, Ultima, but we’ll also say goodbye to Macbeth, Hamlet and Julius Caesar (is there ANY Shakespeare work that would be safe?) and The Crucible centers around it. If we throw in religion (don’t want to start in with what any religious books say, as it might make some students uncomfortable) we also have to get rid of The Poisonwood Bible, any Puritan readings (Edwards’ “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God”, for example), and let’s just ignore any allusions made in any other works (”Mr. Williams, what does Patrick Henry mean when he says ‘Don’t be betrayed by a kiss’?” “Just ignore that line, student of mine, it could be offensive if I explain it”). Practically nothing Abraham Lincoln wrote could be read (he was President! How dare he quote the Bible!), and more recently published novels being considered by our English staff like Life of Pi and The Kite Runner (both finalists for our local community reading program) are immediately verboten. Oops, perhaps I shouldn’t use German because of the negative connotation it might have.

Strangely enough, graphic violence doesn’t seem to offend anyone. But violence is usually accompanied by swearing (people who get shot/stabbed/poisoned are generally nonplussed) so it’s a moot point.

Some reading this might reply that I’m descending onto a slippery slope. Perhaps a bit, but I would also point out that every specific work mentioned above has been challenged at a school somewhere in this country for the exact reason given. So here’s the question: if we shouldn’t include anything in our curriculum that could possibly/maybe/might offend someone, what exactly do we read? Does context not count anymore? Does authorial intent not mean anything? My entire AP reading list is gone. Most of the works included in my high school’s English curriculum are questionable because they could make some students uncomfortable, and apparently that’s not what some in high places believe literature should do.

But I would argue that this is EXACTLY what it should do. This is what great literature (i.e. education) does: it makes us question our society, our world, our selves, and questions without immediate answers are uncomfortable. When we read any novel, we come into it with preconceived ideas and if the book makes us question those ideas, we’re forced to THINK about why we believe the things we do. Huck Finn makes us think about race (which will ALWAYS be an issue in the U.S., even if we abolish the word ‘nigger’) and how supposedly civilized people treat one another. It’s a tale of how difficult it actually is to overcome the supposed “truths” society feeds us from day one, and it’s a tale of friendship. To ban this book (and others) for the use of deemed “offensive” words, disregarding entirely the context of such use and the author’s intent, is a crime far greater than making a student uncomfortable. Yes, some ideas we encounter in our education can be offensive, but if teachers are just in the business of reinforcing preconceived notions/ideas, playing it safe, why the hell are we here?