The Daily Procrastinator

Welcome back to “Beast or Bust?”, the weekly column in which I, BigRedPoet, offer my predictions for the following week’s NFL games in the hope that you can use this information to improve your fantasy football team.

For the purposes of this feature, I will make reference to Yahoo’s projected statistics. Luckily, I don’t expect statistics to vary much between fantasy football sites, so non-Yahoo users aren’t left out in the cold. Your “Beast” will be a player who I expect to exceed his projections by at least 5 points, and your “Bust” will be a player who I predict will come up at least 5 points short of what’s expected. I’ll also toss in an “OMG” pick each week; this will be a player who’s projected to score less than 5 points, and who will rise from relative obscurity to deliver an unexpected and outstanding performance. If the NFL slate for the week is particularly juicy, I might predict multiple players in any or all of those categories.

Week 3 Beast: Bears RB Matt Forte

It’s time for Forte to break out. I know he carried the ball 25 times for just 55 yards in week 1, and I saw that he gained a paltry 29 yards on 13 carries in week 2. Before anyone jumps off the bandwagon, we should all take a look at the defenses he ran against in those games, Green Bay and (God forbid) Pittsburgh. They’re both pretty solid against the run. Also, look back at last season. Forte totaled 1238 yards and 8 touchdowns. This guy is good. Projected for just 13.75 points this week, equal to 137 combined yards or 77 combined yards and a touchdown, I think he’ll exceed expectations considerably. After all, Frank Gore ran for 207 yards and two touchdowns last week against Forte’s week 3 opponent, the Seahawks.

• My prediction: 110 yards, 2 touchdowns

Week 3 Bust: Giants WR Mario Manningham

Manningham caught 10 passes for 150 yards and a touchdown last week. Six million fantasy football players immediately ran out and added him to their rosters. I’m not buying it. Look back at his totals from week 1: 3 catches for 58 yards and a touchdown. Now look back at his totals for ALL of last season combined: 4 catches for 26 yards and zero touchdowns. Now, let’s play Q&A. Is Manningham stepping up in the Giants’ offense and helping to fill the role vacated by 50 Cent…err…Plaxico Burress? Indeed, he is. Does he have any kind of history to establish him as a go-to guy for Manning? No. Are the Giants a pass-heavy team? Certainly not. Will he score the 12.75 points that are projected for him this week? Not a chance. The Giants’ week 3 opponent, Tampa Bay, is hardly a defensive powerhouse, and I’m guessing that the G-Men will return to their base strategy of running the ball and working the clock.

Note: I’m disagreeing with other “experts,” here. Who do you trust?

• My prediction: 65 yards, no touchdowns

Week 3 OMG: Broncos WR Eddie Royal

Like Forte, Eddie Royal has started slowly this year. He’s getting used to a new quarterback, and the team is dealing with the hassle of prima donna Brandon Marshall. Even so, it’s time for Royal to get back on his game. The Raiders have the best cornerback in the league in Nnamdi Asomugha (that’s NOM-dee AH-sum-WAH), but he can’t cover both Eddie Royal and Brandon Marshall. There will be an open receiver someplace. Royal posted fantastic numbers in his rookie campaign last season, and he’s had several weeks to perfect his timing with new Broncos QB Kyle Orton. I think it’s time to return to the spotlight. Projected for just 4.06 points, Royal will step up and contribute considerably to the Broncos’ offense.

• My prediction: 85 yards, no touchdowns

I’m all about accountability. Each week, after I offer my predictions, I’ll take credit for the previous week’s success and/or eat crow over last week’s dismal failure.

Week 2 Picks

• Beast: Panthers RB DeAngelo Williams
• Projection: 12.14
• Actual: 15.1 points

Damn. Williams looked pretty good against the Falcons, but he didn’t put on the clinic I hoped for. He exceeded his projections by 3 points, but I don’t win until 5. I really want to take credit, here, but rules are rules. I didn’t make any allowances for partial credit, so…I lose.

• Bust: Cowboys RB Marion Barber
• Projection: 11.25 points
• Actual: 21.5 points

Well, look who made BRP look stupid. I guess Barber should come with a fine-print warning, like the commercials for investment funds: “Past performance is not a guarantee of future returns.” Barber had a huge game against the Giants. I’m still shocked. I lose.

• OMG: Saints WR Devery Henderson
• Projection: 4.43 points
• Actual: 7.1 points

Henderson didn’t exactly wreck shop in week 2, but he wasn’t as transparent as his projections predicted, either. His 71 yards were a significant contribution to the Saints’ offense, and his 7.1 points exceeded the contributions of star receivers like T.J. Who’s-Yo-Mama, Hines Ward, and Bernard Berrian. I win.

• BRP’s Win/Loss Ratio: 3/3

Let’s start with a basic fact: I read lots of novels. In the course of my literary wanderings, I encounter dozens of new authors every year, ranging from the talented and interesting to the banal and bound for unemployment. Rarely, though, do I read an author who makes me sit up and truly take notice–the sort of author who I immediately recommend to my friends. I’m pleased to announce that I’ve discovered just such a rare and fantastic writer. Procrastinators, say hello to Jeffrey Lent.

I'm sure he's pleased to meet you.

My experience reading Jeffrey Lent began when a traveling book liquidation company set up shop in my local mall a few months ago. Because all hardcover books were priced at four dollars, I went on a spending spree. (Seriously? Four dollars? I was in heaven.) Since they cost less than a foot-long sub, I bought a huge armload of books by authors I’d never even heard of. Why not? Among them was Lent’s novel Lost Nation.

As soon as I started reading, I felt that Lost Nation was different from anything I’d read in a long time. It’s the story of a mysterious man, known only as Blood, who travels into the Vermont territory during the years when its control was still contested by the United States and Canada. Along with the wagon-load of goods Blood intends to use in setting up a general store, he also brings with him a young woman named Sally, who he recently won while playing poker in a brothel. Lent uses her relationship with Blood to examine issues of lust, love, obligation, rejection, and acceptance. About midway through the novel, some long-lost acquaintances show up in Blood’s life and add further complications to the plot. The backdrop of governmental bickering over Vermont (which materializes as backwoods hit-and-run warfare) establishes an ominous tone that looms over the more personal aspects of Blood’s story. When the interconnected plotlines of the territorial dispute, Blood’s dealings with people from his past, and his relationship with Sally all reach simultaneous crescendo, the novel delivers a conclusion every bit as dramatic and nerve-wracking as The Fall of the House of Usher.

While the plot of Lost Nation, in and of itself, is enough to convince me to recommend the novel to my fellow readers, Lent’s style is every bit as important and impressive. He employs a stark, blunt style that brings echoes of Cormac McCarthy to my ears. Lent neither shies away from nor celebrates novel’s the often dark and tragic developments. The reader is left to come to terms with Blood’s world and its implications. I suspect that some readers may feel uncomfortable with the burden Lent lays upon them, but I found it rewarding.

Since reading Lost Nation, I have also purchased and read A Peculiar Grace, which I enjoyed even more. In a future post, I’ll review it. I promise. I’ve also bought Lent’s first novel, In The Fall, and I intend to buy the recently published After You’ve Gone. I’m literally thrilled with the expectation of reading them both. If they live up to my expections, you’ll hear about them.

In the meantime, track down a copy of Lost Nation. You won’t regret it.

Welcome back to “Beast or Bust?”, the weekly column in which I, BigRedPoet, offer my predictions for the following week’s NFL games in the hope that you can use this information to improve your fantasy football team.

For the purposes of this feature, I will make reference to Yahoo’s projected statistics. Luckily, I don’t expect statistics to vary much between fantasy football sites, so non-Yahoo users aren’t left out in the cold. Your “Beast” will be a player who I expect to exceed his projections by at least 5 points, and your “Bust” will be a player who I predict will come up at least 5 points short of what’s expected. I’ll also toss in an “OMG” pick each week; this will be a player who’s projected to score less than 5 points, and who will rise from relative obscurity to deliver an unexpected and outstanding performance. If the NFL slate for the week is particularly juicy, I might predict multiple players in any or all of those categories.

Week 2 Beast: Panthers RB DeAngelo Williams

Last year, DeAngelo Williams was an absolute BEAST in the second half of the season, and he carried many fantasy owners into the postseason. He looks to return to those days in week 2. Williams picked up just 37 yards on 14 carries in week one, but that was against an outstanding Eagles DEF. This week, he’ll bounce back against the Falcons. The Atlanta DEF allowed 96 yards on 22 carries in week 1, for an average of 4.4 YPC. If there’s any back in the league who can turn a short gain into a touchdown in the blink of an eye, it’s Williams (or Adrian Peterson). Yahoo projects him to post 12.14 points this week, which would require either 121 combined yards or 61 combined yards and a touchdown. With Delhomme struggling badly at QB and Jonathan Stewart still on the mend, look for DeAngelo to exceed his projections by a mile.

• My Prediction: 90 total yards, 2 TDs

Week 2 Bust: Cowboys RB Marion Barber

I’m going out on a limb, here. I’m also risking the wrath of FlashCap. Yahoo predicts that Barber will score 11.25 points this week, but I just don’t think it’s going to happen. For starters, he’s running against a perennial defensive powerhouse in the New York Giants. In two games against the Cowboys last year, the G-Men held Barber to 56 yards on 26 carries. Ouch. Additionally, Tony Romo was slinging the ball pretty well last week (at least in the second half), and it doesn’t seem likely that he’ll stop. The Cowboys’ change-of-pace back Felix Jones is bad news for Barber, too. Last week, he swiped 6 carries out of Barber’s workload. By theorizing that Barber will gain 5 full points less than his projected 11.25, I’m betting on a pretty miserable day. I might get burned, but I’m going with my gut. FlashCap is welcome to pen a rebuttal.

• My Prediction: 45 yards, no TDs

Week 2 OMG: New Orleans WR Devery Henderson

Henderson is projected for just 4.43 points in week 2, which assumes that he’ll gain 44 yards and not score a touchdown. After watching the Saints in week 1, I’m not willing to predict ANY of their WRs for such a lowly week. Henderson led the team with 103 yards receiving on Sunday, and he also found the end zone. While this week’s opponent, the Eagles, is vastly more powerful on defense than the Lions that Henderson faced in week 1, I still think he can have a good day at WR. With Brees absolutely on fire, I’d start Henderson with confidence.

• My Prediction: 50 yards, 1 TD

I’m all about accountability. Each week, after I offer my predictions, I’ll take credit for the previous week’s success and/or eat crow over last week’s dismal failure.

Week 1 Picks

• Beast: 49ers RB Frank Gore
• Projection: 11.72 points
• Actual: 16.8 points

It wasn’t pretty, but Gore took care of business. He managed just 30 yards on 22 carries, but he crossed the goal line on one of them. The big back also caught 3 passes for 18 yards and another touchdown. In the end, only the fantasy points count. I said he’d exceed his projection by at least 5, and he proved me right. He gained 5.08 points more than Yahoo predicted. I win.

• Bust: Steelers RB Willie Parker
• Projection: 12.94 points
• Actual: 2.4 points

Parker gained just 19 yards on 13 carries in week 1. While his yards-per-carry average is similar to Gore’s, he didn’t manage to stagger across the goal line. He also managed to catch one pass for 5 yards. Overall, Parker fell short of his projection by 10.54 points. I win again.

• OMG: Browns WR Mike Furrey
• Projection: 3.2 points
• Actual: 2.8 points

The Browns’ offense didn’t exactly blow up against the Vikings in week 1. Although Furrey got a share of looks and caught four passes, they were all for relatively short gains, and he totaled just 28 yards on the day. I consider him a decent play heading forward, but he didn’t deliver the “unexpected and outstanding performance” I had hoped for. I lose.

• BRP’s Win/Loss Ratio: 2/1

Yes, you read the title of this post correctly. In the past 48 hours, procrastinators, I have discovered the sad truth: I am not manly enough for yoga.

I have to preface this story with a little background. Last January, I resolved to become the “SomewhatLessBigRedPoet.” Thus far, it’s been going pretty well. I’ve changed the way I eat, and I try to work out at least occasionally. When I first started on this mission, I ran four or five days every week. I quickly discovered that my knees and ankles didn’t appreciate the impact of feet on concrete, so I gave up on running and just redoubled my efforts to eat healthy. All went well, and I reached a weight that I’m really happy with.

Now, I want to tone up. Weighing less is good, but weighing less and looking sexy would be even better. Conveniently, my mother is a big supporter of my efforts to get in shape, and about a two months ago, she sent me one of those sets of workout DVDs that are advertised on obscure television channels in the middle of the day. On Saturday morning, I opened the DVDs for the first time.

There are a dozen discs in the set, and many of them have intimidating titles like “Ab Ripper.” I flipped through them with some trepidation until I saw a disc called “Yoga.” Immediately, visions of thin, meditative, far Eastern men flashed to mind. Aha, I thought to myself, Yoga. This will be a nice, easy way to slowly immerse myself back into the world of working out.

Wrong.

After practicing the positions Downward Facing Dog, Warrior 1, Warrior 2, Reverse Warrior, and Runner’s Pose, my entire body hurts. I have pain in places where I didn’t even know I had muscles. After some tentative inquiries on Google, it seems I may acquainted myself with such positions as Groin Pull and Strained Oblique.

Behold: the Downward Facing Dog. I'm not sure it looks like this when I do it.

As I shambled up the stairs to work this morning, I’m sure the look on my face was similar to the face I might make while simultaneously hitting my thumb with a hammer and passing a kidney stone. It couldn’t have been pretty. Somewhere in the back of my mind, there’s a little voice that keeps saying, That soreness is PROGRESS. It means you had a good workout, but you need to work a little harder. I hate that voice.

Still, the voice is right. I don’t think I’ll go back to yoga just yet, though. Maybe I’ll try the “Ab Ripper.” What’s the worst that could happen?

Greetings, procrastinators! After a lengthy summer absence, I’ve returned to The Daily Procrastinator. I hope each of you shirked your responsibilities effectively while I was away shirking mine.

Welcome to the first-ever edition of “Beast or Bust?”, a weekly feature in which I, Big Red Poet, will offer some predictions, advice, and general thoughts about the week’s upcoming NFL games. My hope is that you’ll be able to use this advice to benefit your fantasy football team.

For the purposes of this feature, I will make reference to Yahoo’s projected statistics. Luckily, I don’t expect statistics to vary much between fantasy football sites, so non-Yahoo users aren’t left out in the cold. Your “Beast” will be a player who I expect to exceed his projections by at least 5 points, and your “Bust” will be a player who I predict will come up at least 5 points short of what’s expected. I’ll also toss in an “OMG” pick each week; this will be a player who will rise from relative obscurity to deliver an unexpected and outstanding performance. If the NFL slate for the week is particularly juicy, I might predict multiple players in any or all of those categories.

Week 1 Beast:49ers RB Frank Gore

Gore’s projections for this week theorize that he’ll earn 11.72 fantasy points, which would require only 117 combined yards or 57 combined yards and a touchdown. He’s going to blow those numbers away. As one of the few remaining true “featured backs” in the NFL, Gore will carry the ball almost constantly. 49ers QB Shaun Hill is serviceable, but he’s no rock star. This is still Gore’s offense. Did I mention that he’s a tough goal-line runner, too? Between carrying the ball 20+ times and serving as Hill’s checkdown option, I’m guessing Gore will get close to 30 touches on Sunday. That’ll easily be enough to far outgain the 11.72 fantasy points Yahoo predicts for him.

• My predictions: 105 total yards, 1-2 touchdowns

Week 1 Bust: Steelers RB Willie Parker

Parker is projected to score 12.94 fantasy points, which requires him to gain 130 combined rushing and receiving yards or gain 70 combined yards and score a touchdown. I don’t buy it. For starters, he’s been nursing a hamstring injury that limited him to exactly four carries in the preseason. It doesn’t seem likely that he’s reached game speed. Additionally, Parker is coming off the lowest-scoring season of his career (791 yards). Meanwhile, up-and-coming star Rashard Mendenhall will make his presence known in the Pittsburgh backfield, and he could cut into Parker’s carries considerably if he performs well. The worst news for Parker, though, is Pittsburgh’s week 1 opponent, the Tennessee Titans. A perennial defensive powerhouse, the Titans held Parker to 31 yards on 19 carries when they met last season. He’s not likely to get stuffed that badly again, but Parker isn’t going to post the 12.94 points Yahoo is projecting.

• My predictions: 78 yards, no touchdowns

Week 1 OMG:Browns WR Mike Furrey

Last year, Braylon Edwards couldn’t catch a cold, much less a football. (Maybe he should use those hoagie-catching gloves Andre Johnson hawks on TV.) In the offseason, Donte Stallworth got himself into a bit of legal trouble. In an effort to beef up their receiving corps a bit, the Browns have picked up veteran Mike Furrey. Furrey runs some pretty nifty routes, and he’s only a few years removed from a rock-solid season in Detroit. The Browns face the daunting Vikings defense this weekend, and old man Jamal Lewis isn’t going to see an inch of daylight. The Cleveland QB (whoever he is…the coaching staff hasn’t announced a starter yet) will have to go to the air often. Furrey is going to get his share of looks. Projected for just 32 yards, I suspect the bearded veteran to deliver a surprise performance. He’s not going to carry your team to victory single-handed, but he’ll be a solid WR3 play.

• My predictions: 75 yards

Well, procrastinators, there you have ‘em…your Beast, your Bust, and your OMG. I invite you to praise my wisdom, ridicule my ignorance, or offer your own predictions in the comment section.

I’ll gloat and/or eat crow next week when I deliver my thoughts on week 2.

FlashCap and Juggernaut are identical twins. This does not mean, however, that they are exactly alike. What follows is an online conversation between the two brothers that, had they been in the same room at the time it was occurring, probably would have devolved into a fistfight. Thank God for the internet.

Message Board Thread: “Your POS Politician of the Week”

Juggernaut: Stay classy, Van Jones:

***

FlashCap: Geez, sounded like a joke to me. And that he’s playing to a largely Democratic crowd. I’m sure NOTHING like this has EVER happened at a Republican meeting.

/this was not your best one, J.

***

J: Wrong.

J provides link to Van Jones’ apology

***

FC: Oh, bullshit. Here’s his very next line:

“Well, the answer to that is, they’re assholes,” Jones said, to uproarious laughter. “That’s a technical, political science term.”

It’s a joke. And plenty of people beyond politicians have been forced to apologize for jokes. Come on, J, get real.

***

J: Noticeably absent from his apology were the words, “It was a bad joke.” Or “It was a poor attempt at humor.” Or any other explanation that supports your belief that this was a joke. To this end, I’d be more willing to take it as a “joke” if he had said, “but so are most everybody in DC” or “and the Democrats ain’t much better.” But no: he limited to Republicans, using the term as an insult, then defined himself as an asshole as if it were some kind of badge of honor (but of course, Obama isn’t).

Without having this devolve into one of our patented online fights, you have got to understand that there are people on the far left that believe this. They’re radicals. They’re lifers. They’ve drunk the kool-aid. And they are part of the problem. And this guy is one of them. Do you know anything about this guy?

Of course there are people on the other wing that are equally as nasty/classless (Ann Coulter, anyone? Or is she just joking?). And I’ll call them out if I notice them. But this guy made the list as a POS for the comment.

***

FC: But he did call himself an asshole, in the exact same way as he used it to describe Republicans, so by your logic he’s got an extreme problem with self-loathing. I don’t buy it.

***

J: Did you even read my post?

***

FC: Yes, and I obviously don’t agree with you. I think that’s obvious with my post, isn’t it?

***

J: The only thing obvious is that you’re being an apologist for this guy. And you have not responded to anything in my last post except to make something up about his mental state.

***

FC: J, the guy said “I can be an asshole, too.” In my experience, people who refer to themselves as assholes are saying they can be obstinate and unwilling to compromise. Guess how this guy feels some Republicans are being? He appropriates the same term he used for Republicans and uses it on himself.

He said something that got laughs – he then said that “asshole” is the “technical, political science term” for it. Another joke. More laughs. He then calls himself an asshole. More laughs.

Hey, by the way, when did you call out Bush for his “rudeness” here? Or are you gonna be an apologist for Bush? I’m thinking I remember everyone (family; friends) laughing about it – including me.

FC provides link to Bush calling a reporter an asshole.

***

FC: And here’s Bush’s comments about it:

President Bush was subsequently criticized both for the remark itself and for the way the fallout from it was handled. When his aides were questioned about the “asshole” comment, rather than offering the candidate’s apologies for what he had said, they instead defended the remark, attributing it to justifiable ire over particular items Clymer had written about Bush’s career as Governor of Texas. “There’s been a series of articles [by Clymer] that the governor has felt have been very unfair,” said Bush’s communications director, Karen Hughes.

When directly asked about his remark, Mr. Bush responded, “I regret that a private comment I made to the vice-presidential candidate made it into the public airwaves,” which was not an apology. When pressed as to whether he would apologize, he replied, “I was making a comment to . . . Cheney. I didn’t realize, obviously, the mikes were going to pick it up.”

Not even an apology for using the term. Stay classy, President Bush.

***

J: If you can’t see or acknowledge the difference between these two scenarios, you are either blind or being willfully obstinate.

***

FC: I have no idea how these two scenarios are different except for the R and D labels, which apparently makes all the difference for you.

***

J: That’s crap and you know it.

Let me point out the two obvious differences since you refuse to acknowledge them:

1) Bush’s comment was directed at a specific individual for specific cause. Are you familiar with Clymer’s articles? Or are you just going on the basis of the use of the word “asshole”?

Meanwhile, Jones’ comment was a categorical characterization of all Republicans because . . . um, because he doesn’t like the fact that Republicans haven’t rolled over to Obama’s agenda? Nice.

2) Bush’s comment was not meant for public broadcast (but shit happens). Jones’ comment was made during a public presentation while being videotaped.

You know I am not a fan of Bush. But I sure as hell can appreciate calling someone an asshole when they wrong you. And surely you can, too.

***

FC: it’s because he’s black, isn’t it?

***

J: LOL

I think it is safe to say that everyone here at the DP is a huge fan of Joss Whedon’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer (you could actually end this sentence after “Whedon.”)   Most of us here watched it during its original run, and several of us own the complete series on DVD (myself included).

Sarah Michelle Gellar . . . Sigh.

What can I say?  Watching a hot girl (SMG, please contact me when you realize Prinze is not worthy of you) kill vampires, demons, and assorted nasties was a weekly treat, and the supporting cast wasn’t too bad either.  (Alyson Hannigan, Charisma Carpenter, Felicia Day: we’re all thinking of you.  And some of us maybe David Boreanaz.  But not me.)

Needless to say, we were all somewhat disappointed when its run ended in 2003, but by that time Joss apparently just had to move on to other things.  So when it ended, where were we to get our fix of such supernatural entertainment?  [See what I did there?]

Three years later, Supernatural debuted.  I have been a fan of the show since it started.  Now that it is about to begin its fifth season (Season Premiere on September 10, mark your calendars), I am prepared to offer an opinion that just might get me kicked off the DP:

Sam and Dean Winchester FTW

Supernatural is better than Buffy.

Yes, I said it.  Even if the leads are two guys as opposed to SMG.

Now I am not going to offer here a detailed analysis of the ways Supernatural is the superior show, but I will state that it fundamentally comes down to one of tone.   While Supernatural has a healthy dose of humor (see, e.g., Season 4′s episode “Horror Movie”),  it takes a far darker view of the underworld, heavens, and humanity.   By comparison, Buffy, as much as we enjoyed it, lapsed into the goofy too often.

I still remember Buffy fondly.  But Supernatural, week in and week out, has shown how a drama dealing with angels, demons, and the pending apocalypse needs a darker edge than that found in Sunnydale.

So many careers owed to the man . . .

An icon of we Procrastinators died on Thursday:  John Hughes, writer/director of many of the most formative movies of our youth, passed away at the entirely-too-young age of 59 as a result of a heart attack.

Hughes’ catalog of films is astounding.  Consider the following streak of the 80s:

“National Lampoon’s Vacation” (1983)

“Sixteen Candles” (1984)

“The Breakfast Club” (1985)

“Weird Science” (1985)

“Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” (1986)

“Planes Trains and Automobiles” (1987)

“The Great Outdoors” (1988) [Hey, I liked the raccoons, dammit.  They killed.]

“Uncle Buck” (1989)

Each is a classic in its own right; not only are they funny as hell, but they had heart.  As a result, each became a staple of our upbringings here at the DP.  Admit it:  you still stop down for the battle between Ferris and Dean Rooney (couldn’t have been him, could it?)

Of course, not all of his stuff are classics (at least in our mind . . . let’s hope it wasn’t him who sold his soul to inflate the grosses on Home Alone).  But we won’t dwell on that or his infliction of young McCauley Caulkin on the movie-going public.   Instead, we here suggest you have your own Hughes marathon this weekend and reminisce about the part of your formative years that just died.

So much for my portion of the “procrastination vacation” or whatever the others here are calling it.

Hmm . . . What should I do now that I've retired? How about a 20-year-old?

On July 4, 2009, Steve McNair, former QB for the Tennessee Titans, was found dead in a Nashville condominium he owned with a buddy of his.   Right off the bat something is off about this:  how many married men do you know that own real estate with their friends?  But I digress.

As you know, it gets worse.  McNair was found in the company of a 20-year-old Dave & Busters waitress,  one Sahel Kazemi.  While the term “friend” is being thrown about by the media, I’ve seen online photos of the two para-sailing together (way to keep it on the “down low”, Steve) and she had been driving a Cadillac Escalade registered in his name.  Again, very subtle, Steve.

Ms. Kazemi was found dead with one gunshot wound to the head.   McNair was found dead with two gunshot wounds to the head and two to the chest.

Two in the head, two in the chest.

Many media reports point towards this being a murder-suicide.  Barring some incredible feat of athletic ability not yet seen on this earth (with the possible exception of Rasputin), it would seem that McNair is the homicide victim in this scenario.  That said, the police have not yet ruled Ms. Kazemi’s death a suicide.

We here at the DP keep coming back to “Two in the head, two in the chest.”

Now, far be it from us to start some wild speculation or wacky conspiracy theory, but one really has to wonder what Mrs. McNair’s opinion (or his sons’ for that matter) on this relationship would be.   I kind of doubt she was understanding.  As a matter of fact, I would be shocked if it were anything other than, “THAT SON OF A BITCH!  THAT SLUT!  I’LL KILL THEM!”  But we can probably assume the police have been checking Mrs. McNair’s alibi at the time of the shootings.

But once again:  “Two in the head, two in the chest.”

If popular media is to be at all trusted (and why shouldn’t it be?), this is the hallmark of a paid hit.  Now, we here at the DP would not be so reckless as to suggest that Mrs.  McNair actually hired a hitman to kill the two, but wouldn’t that be one HELL of a twist to the story?

The past week has been a sad one, procrastinators. On June 23, Ed McMahon died at age 86 of various health problems related to his age. On June 25, Farrah Fawcett succumbed to her three year battle with cancer at age 62. Just hours later, pop icon and worldwide cultural phenomenon Michael Jackson was rushed to UCLA Medical Center, where he was pronounced dead of cardiac arrest at the age of 50. On June 28, television pitchman Billy Mays was found dead in his home with no apparent cause of death. He, too, was just 50 years old.

He was probably the greatest sidekick of all time.

This string of tragic headlines really has me thinking. Each of the four celebrities who went on to reap his or her reward this week affected my life in one way or another. The one I remember being aware of first is Ed McMahon. When I was a little boy, my mom loved to watch The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. I remember the rare occasions, usually during summer vacation, when Mom would allow me to sit beside her and watch the show. I always loved to listen to Ed McMahon laugh at Johnny’s jokes. He had the kind of laugh that spread to other people. My mother would sit and chuckle softly, trying not to wake my dad or younger brothers, while Johnny and Ed bantered back and forth. Being allowed to sit up and watch The Tonight Show with my mom was one of the first “big kid” privileges I ever earned. It was Mom’s silent acknowledgment that I was growing up. When Johnny Carson died a few years back, I felt a small part of this childhood memory slip away. Now that Ed McMahon is gone, as well, another small piece of my life has transitioned from dynamic reality to a crystallized memory.

Although the height of her popularity was a little before my time, I know that Farrah Fawcett was the sex symbol for guys my age and just a little older. Starting with her portrayal of Jill Munroe on Charlie’s Angels in 1976, Fawcett’s smile, and her hairstyle, became a mainstay of American pop culture. From television, she graduated to starring in feature films, most memorably1984′s The Burning Bed.

This 1976 photo is the world's best-selling pin-up.

This is where my memory of her begins. I can’t recall if it was in public school or CCD (that’s Bible study for kids, in the Catholic church), but I know that I watched The Burning Bed in a classroom somewhere as an example of the horrors of domestic abuse. I must say that it has stuck with me. I remember the lights coming on in the classroom after the credits rolled and all the students sitting dumbstruck. Many things go into the formation of an adult, and my father was certainly the most important influence on the way I undersand the way men should treat women. The Burning Bed is probably next on the list. The horror and sympathy I felt while watching Farrah Fawcett struggle against her abusive husband made a lasting impression on me. I’m sure that watching the movie at a young age added to the effect, but that’s how formative experiences happen. You just have to be in the right place at the right time.

If Farrah Fawcett was a little before my time, Michael Jackson was my time. Every kid I knew had a copy of Thriller. The lucky ones had it on newfangled cassette tapes. We listened to it on our boomboxes, cruised to it at the roller rink (although I never could skate),  swam to it in backyard pools, and danced to it in the middle-school gym. In fact, to this day, I can’t help dancing to pretty much any track from Thriller when it plays at wedding receptions. We didn’t have MTV at my house, but when Michael made appearances on network TV, I remember being absolutely fascinated at his unmistakable style of dancing. When I

Michael Jackson, as my generation remembers him best.

heard that he had died, I watched some live performances on YouTube out of a sense of nostalgia. It turns out that I’m still mystified at the way Jacko could dance. My body just can’t do that. In the years after his musical superstardom, I watched with the rest of the world as Michael Jackson faced one struggle after another. Financial missteps, public relations nightmares, criminal accusations, ill-advised surgeries, and tabloid headlines plagued him for years. Over the course of just a few years, he fell from the top of the world to the depths of public disdain. No other single person has served as more of an example to teach me never to take anything for granted. Anyone can fall from grace at any time.

Just when it seemed that the odd phenomenon of celebrities passing away in threes had been fulfilled, the pattern was broken by the death of Billy Mays, who most people know simply as “The Oxy-Clean Guy” or “The Guy Who Shouts About The Products He Sells.” Although he may not have been as major a contributor to American popular culture as Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, or Michael Jackson, he was no less recognizable, and he probably got considerably more face time on television than any of the other three, in the past few years. If Ed McMahon serves as a memory of my young life, and Farrah Fawcett is tied to one of the formative experiences that helped define the way I view male/female relationships, and Michael

That's the smile of a very determined fellow.

Jackson was not only the soundtrack of my childhood but also a case-in-point lesson about appreciating the good things in my life, what possible difference could a guy like Billy Mays make? After all, I never bought Oxy-Clean, Mighty Putty, or the Quick-Chop. Simply put, he was a model of determination. The products he sold to midday television viewers weren’t especially useful. Nor were they especially life-changing. Billy Mays knew his job, though, and he dedicated serious energy to completing it. Never for a moment did a person viewing one of his infomercials doubt that he believed 100% in the stuff he was hawking. Granted, he got paid to look that way on television, but who among us couldn’t use a little more firm determination in our lives and wholehearted belief in our work?

A good friend of mine, while discussing this week’s string of celebrity deaths, said that the only thing she takes away from them is the reminder that she’s getting older. I think there’s a little more to it than that. As each of these people fades from a living person in my world to a memory of a person past, I’m reminded that everyone–everyone–has something to teach me. Whether they’re teaching us about ourselves, giving us examples of who we should be (or not be), or simply modeling an admirable trait, celebrities are really just regular people put on display. They work like we do. They get ill and grow old like we do. They rise to great heights like we do, and they fall to terrible depths like we do. They’re more than just faces on the television. They’re lives lived publically so that we can watch their experiences and learn from them. I hope that I, and you, my fellow procrastinators, learned a thing or two from Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and Billy Mays. May they all rest peacefully.