The Daily Procrastinator

Ever since I joined up with the Procrastinators who run this blog, they’ve been pressuring me to watch a TV series called Firefly. Apparently, I’m the only geek in the universe who hasn’t seen (and loved) it already. For months, I hemmed and hawed, found excuses not to watch it, and generally just kind of avoided it, although FlashCap had already loaned me the DVDs. Generally, procrastinators, I’m just not a science fiction kind of guy. Eventually, though, peer pressure got the best of me, and I started watching the series a few days ago.
The following are my live notes, made while watching the first episode.
———————————————————————————————–

Serenity…is the the first episode? I have no idea. The on-screen menus don’t indicate whether this is the first disc or not. Nor does it indicate in which order the episodes are to be viewed. I’ll just start with this episode and hope for the best.

The combat zone, which I’m assuming is mostly computer generated, looks great.

Oh, no. He just said “goddamn,” except he didn’t say “goddamn.” He said something that I couldn’t really understand that kinda SOUNDED like “goddamn.” This is a bad sign. One of the biggest reasons I couldn’t watch Battlestar Galactica was “frak.” If you’re going to use a curseword, use it. If you’re not, just write your way around it. Fake cursewords are silly, and I can’t take anything else seriously after hearing them.

The scene when air support pulls out, as the main character stands and watches them fly away, is great. It’s almost unimportant that the other guy gets shot down while standing and watching because the main character’s facial expression totally dominates the shot. The music is great, too.

Six years later…Ah, I guess this is the first episode. The whole “distant past as context for the rest of the series” device. At least I started in the right place.

“Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!” I LOLed.

“We’re humped”? Really?

From what I can see in her first little scene, the one in which she’s shutting down the ship’s system in order to avoid detection, Kaylie is hot.

Further research confirms my suspicions.

The bad guy uniforms look just like the Empire uniforms from Star Wars. Come to think of it, the big gun the main character used to shoot down the enemy aircraft borrowed pretty heavily from Star Wars, too.

Crybaby was a good idea. Heh.

The style of the credits and the music reminds me of Deadwood.

In her second scene, Kaylie comes off as more “annoying” than “hot.”
(EDIT: This attitude only persisted for a moment.)
Aha! He has a name! “Mal”

Episode 1 sex scene…that’s bold. And THAT woman is hot. There are implications that she’s not human, in some way or another. Bummer.

Hey, look! It’s Mos Eisley!

The “Good Dogs” sign over the grill. Heh.

Badger: Is that Jude Law? Dave Matthews? Michael Stipe? Who the hell IS that guy?

There it is again: “gorram,” or something like that. Yeesh. Two seconds later, somebody said “piss” on screen. What’s the big difference?

Aha! A whole name: Malcolm Reynolds

The recurring “I never married” joke is pretty funny. Also, the conversation between Kaylie and gramps is well-written.

Nothin’ into nothin’ is nothin’…carry the nothin’….etc…heh.

“It’s been a long time since [she] shot me…I carry no grudge.”

Is this “telling the story from New Hope from the point of view of Han Solo” thing deliberate?

While the whole group, crew and passengers, stands in the dining room and discusses the ship’s protocols, Kaylie is dressed in a new outfit and her hair is down. She looks great. Clearly, I’m going to have an interesting relationship with her as a viewer.

So the woman from the sex scene is an “ambassador,” which makes her a “companion,” which makes her a whore. I think the line about “becoming a companion” earlier was what made me think she was something besides human. Looks like it’s a title, not a type of being.

Holy shit. I just watched Kaylie eat that strawberry about seven times in a row. God bless the rewind function.

“That’s what governments are for, to get in a man’s way.” Nice.

The well-dressed passenger, the trauma surgeon, makes me uneasy, but I suspect that’s the idea.

Is that guy’s name Jane? “Public relations”? Heh.

…and the whore takes a spongebath…
No wonder you guys like this show.

“He’s not wildly interested in ingratiating himself with anyone.” That just about sums it up.

What language are they occasionally slipping into?

A mole on board? That can’t be good.

“This is not my best day ever.”

Son of a bitch. He shot Kaylie. I like her! (I think…)

Well, isn’t that doctor a prick? Just patch up her gut wound, ya jerk.

It’s odd, although theoretically accurate, that the ship doesn’t make any sound when it changes direction and accelerates in space.

The guns fire actual bullets and not some kind of laser beams. I wouldn’t have expected that, what with the potential to poke holes in the walls of spaceships and such.

Wow. That guy’s carry-on luggage is his girlfriend. Whoa! She’s awake! …and she looks familiar…familiar and STRANGE…

Not girlfriend, but sister. Huh. Her name is River (?), and she’s some sort of uber-genius.

A government center accepts the 14-year-old supergenius and she disappears from her family. Ender’s Game, anyone?

It looks like Kaylie is going to survive. This is good news.

The whore’s wardrobe is fantastic…oooh, and she’s trying to pull a power play on Mal.

“You only gotta scare him.”
“Pain is scary.”

Jane (still can’t believe that’s his name) is highly amusing.

I don’t know what Reavers are, but they don’t sound good at all. Not at all.

“They’ll rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skin into their clothing, and if we’re very very lucky, they’ll do it in that order.” Wow. And now various people on board Firefly are preparing to kill themselves. The show does a damn good job of making the Reavers REALLY scary before they ever make an appearance on-screen. (a la Jaws)

Kaylie, looking at River: “She’s a real beauty, isn’t she?”
I tend to think this line should be reversed. River is so goofy-lookin.

Jesus. How long are these episodes?

Wow. He told her that Kaylie died. That’s messed up.
Both the doctor and I freaked out for a moment.

“Certain words were exchanged, also certain…bullets.”

“Here’s a little concept I been workin’ on: why don’t we shoot her first?”
“It IS her turn.”
Even when things are tense, there’s humor. I like the balance.

Horses? Didn’t see that coming.

“Ride east half a mile, you’ll see where it’s been dug.”
“Reckon I will.”
“Well then.”
“Yuh.”
Well written!

…and the lawman gets free and abducts River…That goofy broad is going to be nothing but trouble…

Oh no! The gorram Reavers are coming back! *eyeroll*

Nice shot, Mal!
*laugh*
Awesome!
Then they just chuck his ass out the back of the ship. Love it.

They just pulled the evasive maneuver from Top Gun!

Hmm. We’re going to address themes of faith, too. And the shot where the Shepherd is bowed down before the whore and she lays a hand on his head as if in blessing is most interesting indeed…

River is so ooky. I just don’t LIKE her.

So, if he knows damn well that Jane will turn on him one day when the money is good enough, why does Mal keep him onboard?

“If I ever kill you, you’ll be awake. You’ll be facing me, and you’ll be armed.”
—————————————————————————————————–

All in all, it was good.
I’ll watch the next episode when the combination of time and inclination aligns.

Stay tuned for my notes…

Important News! Mötley Crüe is releasing their Greatest Hits album on November 17, 2009.    Greatness!

Well, at least if you don’t already have:

One

Decade of Decadence,

Two

Greatest Hits,

Three

Supersonic & Demonic Relics,

Four

The Millennium Collection,

Five, Six

Red, White & Crüe (2-disc set),

Seven, Eight

Music to Crash Your Car To (Volumes 1 and 2), or

Nine, Ten, and Eleven

Loud as F@*k (3-disc set).

Jesus.  Did Gene Simmons die and take over the body of Nikki Sixx or something?

Welcome back to “Beast or Bust?”, the weekly column in which I, BigRedPoet, offer my predictions for the following week’s NFL games in the hope that you can use this information to improve your fantasy football team.

For the purposes of this feature, I will make reference to Yahoo’s projected statistics. Luckily, I don’t expect statistics to vary much between fantasy football sites, so non-Yahoo users aren’t left out in the cold. Your “Beast” will be a player who I expect to exceed his projections by at least 5 points, and your “Bust” will be a player who I predict will come up at least 5 points short of what’s expected. I’ll also toss in an “OMG” pick each week; this will be a player who’s projected to score less than 5 points, and who will rise from relative obscurity to deliver an unexpected and outstanding performance. If the NFL slate for the week is particularly juicy, I might predict multiple players in any or all of those categories.

As it turns out, I’m finding that 5 points is a REALLY big margin of difference between the projections and these guys’ actual performances. This is difficult! My win/loss ratio is starting to look laughable. Think you can do better? I challenge you to post comments with your own beast, bust, and OMG.

Week 7 Beast: 49ers WR Michael Crabtree

Well, look who decided to accept the paltry sum of 17 million dollars (at the very least, and 40 million at best) to finally come play some football. Even though I think his holdout was one of the premiere bonehead moves of the decade, I can’t deny that Michael Crabtree is a beast. According to official reports, Crabtree is going to be on the field often during the 49ers’ week 7 game, and there’s a “strong possibility” that he will start. I wouldn’t be surprised, considering that the other WR options in San Francisco are Isaac “Grandpa” Bruce and Josh “Who?” Morgan. Projected for just 6.25 points, equal to 62 total yards, Crabtree possesses the talents to eclipse those numbers by a mile, particularly against Houston’s fairly user-friendly defense. This will be Crabtree’s first NFL game, and trusting a total greenhorn is always a risk, but I see enough upside here to start him at WR3 in just about any league.

My Prediction: 80 yards, 1 touchdown

Week 7 Bust: Panthers WR Steve Smith

That’s right. I’m calling out former monster Steve Smith of the Carolina Panthers, even though he’s only projected for 7.6 points, to fall short of his projections by five. I don’t think he’s gonna do jack in week 7. Take a look at the situation: 1) Jake Delhomme is terrible. He’s a turnover machine. To quote Brad Evans, I’ve turned “Delhommophobic.” 2) Carolina faces Buffalo in week 7, a team that surrenders a league-worst 181.2 yards per game rushing. DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart are going to carry the ball constantly, particularly since Dehomme sucks. 3) The entire defensive backfield will be focused on shutting Smith down. Carolina’s only other WR is Muhsin Muhammad, who I trust about as far as Delhomme can throw. 4) Smith is at odds with his team, sayin after last week’s game that he “no longer feels like an asset” to the Panthers. That can’t be good. Smith’s week is doomed, procrastinators.

My Prediction: 2 catches, 20 yards, no touchdowns

Week 7 OMG: Vikings WR Sidney Rice

We all know that the Vikings are still Adrian Peterson’s team, but the addition of Favre has breathed considerable life back into the Minnesota passing game. Rice is an emerging young talent who’s posted a couple of outstanding stat lines this season, particularly last week, as he caught 6 passes for 176 yards. I don’t think he’s likely to repeat that monster performance this week, but he’s in a position to score pretty well. The Vikings are likely to go to the air often against the Steelers, who are awfully stout against the run. Projected for just 5.04, equal to 50 total yards, Rice will prove useful to fantasy owners with the guts to start him.

My prediction: 70 yards, 1 touchdown

I’m all about accountability. Each week, after I offer my predictions, I’ll take credit for the previous week’s success and/or eat crow over last week’s dismal failure.

Week 6 Picks

• Beast: Nate Burleson
• Projected Score: 9.79
• Actual Score: 4.0

Allow me to quote rotowire.com: Seattle had a dreadful game offensively, and Burleson had a season-low five targets. It’s all the more disappointing considering the Seahawks were facing the league’s worst pass defense. The conditions were right. The Seahawks blew it. I lose.

• Bust: Clinton Portis
• Projected Score: 14.27
• Actual Score: 10.4

At this point, I’m a victim to my own rules. Portis did underperform, but not as miserably as I needed him to in order to fulfill my “five points under” requirement. I REALLY want partial credit, here. I didn’t make provisions for that, though. I lose. Crap.

• OMG: Kellen Winslow
• Projected Score: 4.95
• Actual Score: 2.9

Huh. I guess catching everything in his general vicinity and scoring two touchdowns in week 5 isn’t enough to make the Bucs trust Winslow with a few targets in week 6. I’m baffled. I lose.

BRP’s win/loss ratio: 4/14

Months ago, when I saw the first film trailer for the movie Where The Wild Things Are, I freaked out with anticipation. Images of Maurice Sendak’s big furry beasts galumphing through the wilderness in a wild rumpus immediately flooded my mind. I had flashbacks to lying in my bed as a kid and trying to figure out how that one monster could possibly have lizard legs, buffalo horns, tiger stripes, and bear paws and yet still intend no harm to little Max.

Since I was a kid, this has always been my favorite image from Wild Things.

I had high hopes that the movie would echo the idea, so prevalent in the book, that not everything (or everyone, more to the point) that looks scary is actually a threat. My hopes were sorely denied.

Apparently, Spike Jonze (who is now on my List Of People To Punch In The Nose On Sight not only for his mistreatment of Wild Things, but also for his ridiculous deliberate misspelling of his assumed last name) didn’t think that the original text of the book was important to the making of the film. Instead of being the benevolent beasts of the book, the Wild Things in the movie are a bunch of whiny, self-obsessed, violent conflict-mongers.

When Max arrives on the island, his first encounter with the Wild Things involves watching the monster pictured above (named Carroll in an apparent homage to the creator of the Jabberwock) as he destroys the homes of his fellow Things for no apparent reason. We soon learn that he’s pissed because one of his fellow Things, K.W., has run off. No explanation for K.W.’s behavior is ever offered, though, and the plot of the film never regains any sense of purpose. This first encounter does, however, set up the complicated relationship that Max and Carroll will share throughout the rest of the film.

In one of the film's best moments, Carroll gives Max a lift.

To complicate matters further, Jonze (and collaborator Sendak, the book’s original creator) decide to make the Wild Things clearly male and female, and two different pairs of them are couples. The Things Judith and Ira, a bumbling oaf of a guy and a narcissistic bitch of a woman, plague the film with their relationship. Likewise, Carroll’s anger over K.W.’s departure seems to be based on a relationship that the two may or may not share. It’s never really clear.

When K.W. brings back some new friends to the Things’ fort, the rest of the gang, especially Carroll, refuses to accept them as part of the group. Carroll turns to Max to solve the situation, since he’s serving as their erstwhile king, but he doesn’t have any answers. It seems that Jonze is trying to make a political statement about how we and our leaders treat those unlike ourselves, but the issue is left unresolved and only serves to complicate an already unnecessarily complicated film.

Although the plot of the movie is disastrous, Where Wild Things Are is interesting to look at. The costumes of the Things are fantastic, accurately duplicating the images from the original art. The film offers many close-ups of the Things as they speak, and their big furry faces clearly register a variety of emotions that must have required untold hours of either mechanical animatronics or computer animation. The Things’ eyes, in particular, are beautiful. As the adage suggests, they give us a view of each Thing’s soul.

As the Things rumble around the island, they often jump to great heights, and the animation of their jumps is wildly amusing. They seem to rise into the air as if by levitation, springing toward the treetops despite their stumpy legs and thickly built bodies. In fact, they jump exactly the way the monsters in a little boy’s imagination might jump, which I find perfect, as all the events on the island happen in Max’s imagination.

Q: What have learned so far? A: While the plot is bad, the visual effects are good. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. The plot isn’t a complete loss, though. I need to mention a couple moments that stand out as high points. As I mentioned above, the scene in which Carroll lets Max ride on his back is sweet. Also, there’s a scene in which all of the Things sleep in a giant pile, calling good nights to one another as they collectively drift off into huge, furry slumber.

Finally, the scene in which Max leaves the island (don’t groan about spoilers; you knew it was going to end this way) is simultaneously beautiful and infuriating. All the Things gather at the beach to watch Max as he sails back to his home, and their howling as he sails into the surf is heart-wrenching. Visually, it’s a beautiful scene, and the music, camera work, and sound effects are perfect. I wish I could stop writing about the scene now, but I can’t. Although Max’s farewell is a fantastic moment, it’s also ridiculous because there’s never any explanation of why Max chooses to leave the island. It’s as if he just randomly decides to split in the middle of the conflict on Thing Island. The implied theme: When you mess things up really badly, run away; that will make things better.

It makes me want to scream like a Wild Thing.

Occasionally, Jonze's adaptation is beautiful.

I wish I could tell you to go watch Where The Wild Things Are. I wish I could celebrate the successful translation of a classic children’s book to the big screen. I wish I could tell you to take your children to the movies. I can’t do any of those things, though. (I especially can’t recommend the film for kids. This is NOT a children’s move. They’ll be alternately terrified and bored. I promise.) Frankly, I’m saddened that future generations of kids will say things like, “Where The Wild Things Are is a book, too? I didn’t know that!”

Do yourself a favor: preserve your love of Where The Wild Things Are by avoiding this film. Let your imagination give life to the Things. If not for yourself, avoid the film for your kids’ sake. They deserve to see the Wild Things like this:

Welcome back to “Beast or Bust?”, the weekly column in which I, BigRedPoet, offer my predictions for the following week’s NFL games in the hope that you can use this information to improve your fantasy football team.

For the purposes of this feature, I will make reference to Yahoo’s projected statistics. Luckily, I don’t expect statistics to vary much between fantasy football sites, so non-Yahoo users aren’t left out in the cold. Your “Beast” will be a player who I expect to exceed his projections by at least 5 points, and your “Bust” will be a player who I predict will come up at least 5 points short of what’s expected. I’ll also toss in an “OMG” pick each week; this will be a player who’s projected to score less than 5 points, and who will rise from relative obscurity to deliver an unexpected and outstanding performance. If the NFL slate for the week is particularly juicy, I might predict multiple players in any or all of those categories.

As it turns out, I’m finding that 5 points is a REALLY big margin of difference between the projections and these guys’ actual performances. This is difficult! My win/loss ratio is starting to look laughable. Think you can do better? I challenge you to post comments with your own beast, bust, and OMG.

Week 6 Beast: Seahawks WR Nate Burleson

Burleson has been a bit sketchy so far this season, to say the least. In fact, according to Yahoo, he’s only owned in 80% of leagues. If he’s a free agent in your league, go add him. Now. Burleson’s poor performances in the early weeks had a name: Seneca Wallace. With Seahawks starting QB Matt Hasselbeck sidelined by injury, the ‘Hawks were forced to start Wallace, who just isn’t good. Last week, being targeted by a healthy Hasselbeck, Burleson caught 6 passes for 98 yards and two touchdowns. This week, in The Batttle Of The Birds, the Seahawks face the Cardinals, who have the league’s worst pass defense. Expect Burleson to have another huge game. Projected for just 9.79 points, equal to 97 total yards or 37 total yards and a touchdown, Burleson is poised to defy expectations.

My prediction: 120 yards, 1-2 touchdowns

Bonus Beast: Eagles TE Brent Celek

Week 6 Bust: Redskins RB Clinton Portis

Sure, Portis had a good week last week, posting 74 yards and two touchdowns. Let’s look back into weeks 1-4, though. He scored 7.2, 8.8, 4.8, and 9.8 points in the season’s first four contests. This week, Yahoo is projecting Portis for 14.27 points against the Chiefs, which would require 142 total yards or 82 yards and a touchdown. Granted, the Chiefs suck. On the other hand, Portis is older than God, and he’s suffering from the cumulative effects of various injuries. The most recent is a calf issue which has him listed on this week’s injury report and participating only partially in practice. Adding to my skepticism, the Chiefs’ front line is banged up this week, and they’ll be starting some second-stringers. I just don’t trust this situation. Call it a hunch. Call it his performance early this season. Call it whatever you want, but make sure you put Portis on the bench this week.

My prediction: 75 yards, no touchdowns

Week 6 OMG: Buccaneers TE Kellen Winslow

I know that Winslow has really only had one big week this season. I also know that the Bucs, as a general rule, are bad. On the other hand, I know that Kellen Winslow has a ton and a half of raw talent, and his week 6 opponent, Carolina, although they’re awfully good at shutting down wide receivers, has major struggles covering tight ends. Last week, Winslow hauled in 9 catches for 102 yards and two touchdowns. Quarterback Josh Johnson MUST have noticed. On a team where the only other reliable receiver is Antonio Bryant, who’s  currently hobbled by knee issues, Winslow is by far the most likely Bucs player to post useful fantasy numbers in week 6. While he’s projected for 4.95 points, equal to just 49 total yards, I think the can have a considerably better day as Johnson’s go-to guy.

My prediction: 65 yards, 1 touchdown

I’m all about accountability. Each week, after I offer my predictions, I’ll take credit for the previous week’s success and/or eat crow over last week’s dismal failure.

Week 5 Picks

• Beast: Bernard Berrian
• Projected Score: 7.0
• Actual Score: 3.9

What can I say? I’m starting to think that being chosen as BRP’s Beast is the kiss of death. It’s like the Best New Artist grammy or the cover of Madden. I lose.

• Bust: Tim Hightower
• Projected Score: 11.71
• Actual Score: 10.7

Sigh. Contrary to the “BRP Beast Effect,” it seems that being chosen as the Bust virtually assures a player of having a decent week. I lose. Again.

• OMG: Mohamed Massaquoi
• Projected Score: 2.97
• Actual Score: 1.6

Are you still reading my predictions under the illusion that they’re going to help you? If so, I’m afraid that you might need to think twice about where you get your fantasy advice. I lose. Again. Again.

BRP’s win/loss ratio: 4/11

Welcome back to “Beast or Bust?”, the weekly column in which I, BigRedPoet, offer my predictions for the following week’s NFL games in the hope that you can use this information to improve your fantasy football team.

For the purposes of this feature, I will make reference to Yahoo’s projected statistics. Luckily, I don’t expect statistics to vary much between fantasy football sites, so non-Yahoo users aren’t left out in the cold. Your “Beast” will be a player who I expect to exceed his projections by at least 5 points, and your “Bust” will be a player who I predict will come up at least 5 points short of what’s expected. I’ll also toss in an “OMG” pick each week; this will be a player who’s projected to score less than 5 points, and who will rise from relative obscurity to deliver an unexpected and outstanding performance. If the NFL slate for the week is particularly juicy, I might predict multiple players in any or all of those categories.

As it turns out, I’m finding that 5 points is a REALLY big margin of difference between the projections and these guys’ actual performances. This is difficult! My win/loss ratio is starting to look laughable. Think you can do better? I challenge you to post comments with your own beast, bust, and OMG.

Week 5 Beast: Vikings WR Bernard Berrian

Berrian’s receptions and yards have been awfully consistent this year. He went 4/81, 6/46, 4/56, and 6/75 and a TD in the fist four weeks of the season. Last week, in his first contest againt the Packers, Vikings QB Favre stepped up his game to a level I haven’t seen from him in a long long time, completing 24 of 31 for 271 yards and 3 TDs. It was a pretty inspired performance, and all over the country people suddenly realized that while, yes, this is still AP’s team, the passing game can work, too. The Vikings face the pathetic defense of the Rams this week, and I expect Favre to have another big day. One of the beneficiaries of his success will be downfield threat Bernard Berrian. Yahoo projects just 7.0 points for Berrian, which equals 70 total yards or 10 total yards and a touchdown. Even though AP is going to return to his role of carrying this team on his back, Favre will go downfield when the Rams put about ten guys in the box.

My prediction: 5 catches, 85 yards, 1 TD 

Week 5 Bust: Cardinals RB Tim Hightower

Several factors lead me to believe that Hightower is fully benchable this week. First of all, he’s only had one decent game this year. Against San Francisco in week 1 and Indy in week 3, he was absolutely shut down, gaining a combined 37 yards on a combined 17 carries. Granted, he rushes against the Texans in week 5, and the Texans’ run defense is pretty miserable. However, that leads me to reason number two: the Texans have a remarkably potent offense, as do the Cardinals. This game is going to be a shootout, and running backs generally don’t fare too well in such games. Warner, Fitz, and Boldin could have huge days. Heck, Steve Breaston and Jerheme Urban might even post semi-useful fantasy stats, but I’m betting Hightower gets left out in the cold. One of his main strengths is catching the ball out of the backfield, in which case he becomes the linebackers’ problem more than the defensive line’s. It just so happens that (reason three) the Texans have a pretty solid group of linebackers, including standout rookie Brian Cushing and every-year beast DeMeco Ryans. Although Yahoo is predicting 11.71 points for Hightower, equal to 117 total yards or 51 total yards and a touchdown, I just don’t see it happening.

My prediction: 65 yards rushing, no TDs

Week 5 OMG:Browns WR Mohamed Massoquoi

The Browns have finally parted ways with Braylon “Banana Hands” Edwards, trading him to the Jets for “wide receiver Chansi Stuckey, linebacker Jason Trusnik and two undisclosed draft choices,” according to online reports. Braylon is a beast in the raw talent department, but he’s always been a bit of a bust in the area of refined skills. Here’s hoping New York treats him well. Meanwhile, back in the MidWest, Mohamed Massaquoi just rose to the top of Cleveland’s depth chart. While the teams roster lists exactly zero talented quarterbacks, somebody has to catch the ball once in a while. He caught just one pass in each of his first two games of the season, but he showed off his potentially eye-popping talent in week 4, catching 8 passes for 148 yards. The Browns face Buffalo in week 5, and the Bills are giving up 226 passing yards per game this season, surrendering 6 touchdowns through the air so far. Projected for just 2.97 fantasy points, equal to just under 30 total yards, Massaquoi will prove the Yahoo prognosticators wrong.

My prediction: 5 catches, 105 yards, 1 TD 

I’m all about accountability. Each week, after I offer my predictions, I’ll take credit for the previous week’s success and/or eat crow over last week’s dismal failure.

Week 4 Picks

• Beast: Cedric Benson
• Projected Score: 15.05
• Actual Score: 8.6

Some people have argued that Cedric Benson is physically incapable of being a reliable fantasy RB option. Until this week, I thought ol’ Ced was proving them wrong in 2009. Then he choked against the Bengals. I was surprised, but I guess I shouldn’t have been. Choking at inopportune moments is the defintion of “unreliable,” right? I lose.

• Bust: Thomas Jones
• Projected Score: 9.2
• Actual Score: 10.8

I predicted Jones for 40 yards and no touchdowns. Unfortunately, he managed 48 yards (I was close!) but also managed to stumble across the goal line. It was an uninspiring performance, but I still lose.

• OMG: Earl Bennett
• Projected Score: 4.77
• Actual Score: 3.2

Huh. This makes three in a row. I may need to give up this prognistication business. Apparently, I don’t have the gift. This should be obvious, as I’m 0-4 in one of my fantasy leagues. Of course, I’m 4-0 in the other, so I may keep plugging along.

BRP’s win/loss ratio: 4/8

Welcome back to “Beast or Bust?”, the weekly column in which I, BigRedPoet, offer my predictions for the following week’s NFL games in the hope that you can use this information to improve your fantasy football team.

For the purposes of this feature, I will make reference to Yahoo’s projected statistics. Luckily, I don’t expect statistics to vary much between fantasy football sites, so non-Yahoo users aren’t left out in the cold. Your “Beast” will be a player who I expect to exceed his projections by at least 5 points, and your “Bust” will be a player who I predict will come up at least 5 points short of what’s expected. I’ll also toss in an “OMG” pick each week; this will be a player who’s projected to score less than 5 points, and who will rise from relative obscurity to deliver an unexpected and outstanding performance. If the NFL slate for the week is particularly juicy, I might predict multiple players in any or all of those categories.

Week 4 Beast: Bengals RB Cedric Benson

Last year (and the year before, and the year before that) it looked like Benson’s beastly college career just didn’t translate into the NFL. In 2009, though, the Coolio lookalike is running like a new man. So far, he’s posted 76 yards and a TD against Denver, 141 yards against Green Bay, and 76 yards and a TD against Pittsburgh. Those are three pretty stout defenses. Benson’s week 4 opponent, Cleveland, is decidedly not stout. In fact, they’re giving up 184 yards per game to opposing RBs this season. They’ve given up 8 rushing TDs in three weeks. Benson is the only guy carrying the ball in Cincinati. He’s going to blow up against the Browns. Yahoo projects 15.05 points, which would require either 150 total yards or 90 total yards and a touchdown. I would never have said this in past years, but I think Benson can outscore those numbers considerably.

My prediction: 120 yards, 2 touchdowns

Bonus Beast: 49ers RB Glen Coffee

He’s projected for 13.03, but he’s going to TORCH the Rams. ‘Nuff said.

(Edit: Look here. Evans is stealin’ my ideas. I wrote it first!)

Week 4 Bust: Jets RB Thomas Jones

In week 1, Jones blew up against the Texans, and fantasy football owners swooned with visions that he was the same back who kicked some serious ass in 2008. In the two weeks since, though, he’s been a genuine dud. He carried 14 times for 54 yards in week 2 (3.9 average), and earned just 20 yards on 14 carries in week 3 (1.4 average). Ouch. This week, the Jets face New Orleans. The Saints are almost certain to open up a huge lead early, and the Jets will be forced to throw the ball in an effort to keep up. To complicate matters, Jones is splitting carries with Leon Washington, who has looked pretty impressive, averaging 4.0 yards per carry on the season. Between the Jets’ need to throw, Jones’ loathsome performances in the past couple weeks, and Leon Washington’s intrusion, I just don’t trust Thomas Jones to earn the 9.2 points Yahoo is projecting for him. Look for him to crash and burn.

My prediction: 40 yards, no touchdowns

Week 4 OMG: Bears WR Earl Bennett

Earl Bennett is quietly having a strong season in the Bears’ WR corps. He’s racked up 13 receptions (tied for team lead) for 168 yards (second on the team). He’s established himself as a reliable target for Cutler. As the Bears face the miserable Lions this weekend, Bennett will post another handful of receptions. I also think he’ll find the end zone for the first time this year. The Detroit defense is likely to focus heavily on Devin Hester, who is Cutler’s primary downfield threat, and Bennett will be able to find holes in the coverage. Projected for just 4.77 points, Bennett will be a pleasant surprise in week 4.

My prediction: 60 yards, 1 touchdown

I’m all about accountability. Each week, after I offer my predictions, I’ll take credit for the previous week’s success and/or eat crow over last week’s dismal failure.

Week 3 Picks

• Beast: Matt Forte
• Projected Score: 13.75
• Actual Score: 10.6

Well. I don’t know what to say here except that I’m genuinely surprised. Forte’s sophomore slump appears to be more drastic than I’d imagined. He’s carried 59 times for 150 yards on the season, which gives him an average of 2.5 yards per carry. He hasn’t scored a touchdown yet, either. I humbly apologize to any fantasy owner who took my advice and placed faith in Forte to break out against the wimpy Seahawks defense. I lose.

• Bust: Mario Manningham
• Projected Score: 12.75
• Actual Score: 5.5

My prediction for Manningham was 65 yards and no touchdowns. It turns out that he decided to further emphasize his Bust status by gaining just 55 yards. He may blow up occasionally, but this guy is not an every-week auto start. I win.

• OMG: Eddie Royal
• Projected Score: 4.06
• Actual Score: 0.4

Damn. I felt really good about Royal’s chances to come to life. While this pick results in a resounding loss for me, I’m not giving up on Royal. In fact, one owner in my league *coughFlashCapcough* dropped him out of spite, and I’ve picked him up and plan to start him in week 4. He’s too good to stay dormant.

• BRP’s win/loss ratio: 4/5

As you may have discerned by now, procrastinators, I’m a bit of a Led Zeppelin fan. By “a bit” I mean that I own all of their studio recordings, often wear one my dozen or so Zep t-shirts, have the “four symbols” decals on the back window of my truck, and spent years collecting every concert recording of the band that’s known to exist. In total, counting the instances in which there are multiple recordings of the same show, I have over 500 Led Zeppelin concerts on a freestanding hard drive called “The Archive.”

I’m not telling you all of this because I want you to be impressed (although I wouldn’t mind if you were). I’m telling you this so you’ll know that I’ve listened to more Led Zeppelin than anyone you’ve ever met. With that in mind, I feel qualified to make the following statement: Today, September 29, is the 38th anniversary of one of the greatest rock concerts of all time.

On September 29 of 1971, Led Zeppelin performed at the Festival Hall in Osaka, Japan. Known among ZepHeads simply as “929,” it was the final night of their first-ever tour of Japan, and, for lack of a more appropriate phrase, they played their asses off. Check out the setlist:

• Immigrant Song
• Heartbreaker
• Since I’ve Been Loving You
• Black Dog
• Dazed And Confused
• Stairway To Heaven
• Celebration Day
• That’s The Way
• Going To California
• Tangerine
• Friends
• Smoke Gets In Your Eyes
• What Is And What Should Never Be
• Moby Dick
• Whole Lotta Love
• Communication Breakdown
• Organ Solo/Thank You
• Rock And Roll

The legendary untitled fourth album had not yet been released, but the Japanese fans were treated to previews of soon-to-be famous songs like “Stairway to Heaven,” “Black Dog,” and “Rock and Roll.”

Tonight’s show features no shortage of the incredibly long songs for which Led Zeppelin concerts were famous. The band’s improvisational showcase, “Dazed and Confused,” clocks in at just over 30 minutes. Jimmy Page played a middle section of the “Dazed” solo with a violin bow throughout the band’s career, and tonight’s solo is one of the darkest and eeriest-sounding in the band’s entire recorded catalog.

This photo of of the bow solo is actually from a concert on the '71 Japan tour. WHICH night? Well, that's lost to history.

“Moby Dick,” as ever, is a 20 minute experiment in sonic assault. John Bonham plays the drums with the kind of force most people reserve for driving fence posts. The final “epic” of the evening, “Whole Lotta Love,” exceeds 30 minutes itself. As usual, the band turns it into a medley of 50s and 60s hits. Tonight, the medley includes “Boogie Woogie,” “Tossin’ & Turnin,” “Twist & Shout,” and “Fortune Teller,” along with sections of their own songs “You Shook Me” and “Good Times Bad Times.”

This show features another noteworthy moment in Led Zeppelin history: as the band ends the acoustic set with “Friends” and prepares to launch back into fully electrified rock and roll, Robert Plant fills the time by treating the audience to an impromptu version of The Platters’ “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes,” a song not known to exist anywhere else in the band’s recorded history.

That's right. The Platters. Robert Plant digs MoTown.

The entire show clocks in at just under three hours, and it’s a fantastic listening experience. The vast majority of the show has been preserved on what is widely and erroneously known as “the soundboard source.” Although the recording is clearly not from the soundboard, it is a truly fantastic audience tape. General consensus holds that a microphone was somehow placed on stage with the band. In places where the primary source has cuts or dropouts, they are smoothly filled with slightly inferior but very listenable alternate sources. At least three separate source tapes are known to exist for this show, so the listener never misses a moment. Listening to a well-crafted import release of the show, like Wendy Records’ “Fatally Wanderer” is as close as most of us will ever come to seeing the mighty Zeppelin at one of the highest points in their career.

Sure, I have other things to do tonight. I fully intend to ignore those things (it’s The Daily Procrastinator, right?) and spend three hours with the greatest rock band ever to walk the face of the earth. You should join me.

A woman in Indonesia has given birth to a 19.2 pound baby. The boy, named Akbar (which means “the great” in Arabic”) is 24 inches tall.

That kid is a TANK.

Much to his mother’s relief, I’m sure, he was delivered via Cesarean section. According to medical professionals, Akbar’s tremendous size is linked to his mother’s gestational diabetes. The abnormally high levels of glucose in her blood allowed the baby to absorb far more nutrients than most while in utero. Dr. Binsar Sitanggang, who delivered the baby, said, “He is greedy and has a strong appetite, nursing almost non-stop.” Thanks for the enlightening update, doc. Who’d have thought that BabyZilla would eat a lot?

I don’t have anything especially insightful to say about this baby except, “Look at that baby! He’s freakin’ huge!” Just thought you should know.

You know what we’re talking about: you can’t resist them, yet part of you cringes at the badness of it all. I want your Top 5, kids.

Mine include:

• Pepperoni pizza. Unlike my general high standards for pizza, I will eat any crappy pizza if it’s topped with pepperoni. It makes no sense at all.
• Rice Krispy treats. I suppose they’re probably not so bad in moderation, but I’ve never eaten them in moderation.
• Milkshakes, but only if they’re the massive black-and-white shakes from Nifty Fifty’s in Philly.
• Tastykakes. Yes, I’m from Philly, what do you expect?
• Funnel cakes. My favorite part of any fair or festival is the funnel cake cart. Dough cooked in oil and covered with powdered sugar? Pure genius for the carb obsessed.

Flashcap here. I’ve got plenty of guilty pleasure foods, but my top five are:

• McDonald’s Double Quarter Pounder w/cheese. Yeah, yeah, Super Size Me and all that, but I can’t help it. The greasy burger beckons me every time I pull into the drive-thru. I swear I hear my arteries cursing me when I’m swallowing it down. Luckily I run long distances.
• Cheetos. Bags of the crunchy orange temptations don’t stay in the house long at all.
• Chili dogs. Even more than those Royales w/cheese, I’ll eat the hell out of chili dogs. Sadly, there’s no Wienerschnitzel close to where I live or work, so Sonic chili dogs are the quickest ones available, but not quite the same thing.
• Pepperoni rolls. We have a pizza place here in Texas called DoubleDave’s where they roll pepperoni and cheese up in twists of dough and bake them. Add either ranch or marinara dipping sauce and I’m bound to eat 10 of them in one sitting. Beware of any imitations.
• Peanut M&Ms. I’m like a vacuum when it comes to those things. I can’t stop eating them when they’re in front of me. Hey, the peanuts are lowering my cholesterol, right?

So…you want to know about BigRedPoet’s top 5 guilty pleasure foods, huh? I’m going to need a minute to whittle down my preliminary list of 462…

• Ultimate Bacon Cheeseburger from Jack In The Box. There’s no two ways about it; this is the best (worst?) hamburger available in the fast food world. Sure, you can FEEL yourself getting fatter while you eat it, but sometimes a ration of fat is worth a ration of awesome.
• Crunchwrap Supreme from Taco Bell. Oh my God. Who invented this? I want to give him/her a big sloppy kiss. This thing consists of a huge tortilla, beans, taco meat, a crispy tostada chip, lettuce, tomato, shredded cheese, melted nacho cheese, and sour cream, all wrapped up and cooked in a quesadilla press. Wow.
• Summer Sausage, Cheese, and Crackers. My inability to resist this particular snack is a vestige of being raised in the midwest, I think. Sure, my fellow southerners like summer sausage, but I don’t believe they understand my deep and abiding love for this fatty snack.
• Peanut Butter Kisses from the Mary Jane Company. I love these things. I can literally sit and eat them until my abdomen aches and my noggin rings with a sugar headache. At that point, I begin to think, “Maybe I should only eat 11 or 12 more.”
• Golden Corral. Go ahead. Click the link, then read the menu. I’ll wait… Now, tell me this: Who wouldn’t want to eat about three great big plates off that buffet? I only allow myself to go to Golden Corral once or twice a year, but when I do, it’s serious business.

Juggernaut’s turn, although I take issue with this whole “guilt” thing. I don’t feel guilty about what I eat. As a matter of fact, I don’t feel guilty about much of anything. Must be part and parcel of doing no wrong. [insert retching sounds from the others here at the DP] Anyway, here’s my list of foods that will likely kill me:

• Like BRP, I’m going with JITB’s Ultimate Bacon Cheeseburger. If at the time of my order I feel like adding a few more minutes on the end of my life, I’ll drop the bacon.
• I can honestly say that I have never had pizza that I didn’t like. Chuck E. Cheese’s version comes the closest, but I’ll eat it if I’m dragged to some 6-year-old’s birthday party. But my favorite pizza (at least chain-wise) is Pizza Hut’s Deep Dish Meat Lovers. Pepperoni, Italian sausage, ham, bacon and beef. God, I want some pizza. Whose bright idea was it to ask me for this at lunch? I’m blaming TallGirl.
• Twizzlers. Anytime I go to a movie, I have a large Mr. Pibb and a big bag of Twizzlers. It’s my routine. There are those out there who do not like licorice. I say they have no taste and should not bother expressing opinions on candy.
• Blue Bell Peppermint ice cream. I love any peppermint ice cream, but Blue Bell wins out because 1) it’s Blue Bell and 2) Blue Bell is made in Texas. Unfortunately, peppermint is considered a “seasonal” flavor and is only out around Christmas time. Damn Blue Bell.
• Last but not least, easy-made nachos at home. I take a big pile of Tostitos and dump an obscene amount of shredded cheddar on them, then nuke it for 40 seconds (yes, I have the time down). Pour a cup of salsa over the top and you have a great late night snack.

Magnus here. Nothing like peer pressure to make me actually write instead of maintaining my site and WORK. You know, to pay the bills? But here we go.

• Taco Bell #3. With mild sauce. (And two soft steak tacos. But don’t tell.)
• Swedish Chocolate. Mmm . . . Marabou.
• Herring. Pickled. With mustard sauce.
• Caviar. Kalle’s. On a sandwich. Oh wait, that’s actually good for me. Nevermind.
• Meatballs. With lots of sauce and lingon berries and mashed potatoes. Preferably made by my mom. (Hey Mom? I’m hungry, please send some, huh?)
• Bacon. How we got this far down the list without bacon, I don’t understand. It’s a major food group, people!