The Daily Procrastinator

A few days ago, if you had said “badgers” to me, this would come to mind.

My read of that video is that badgers are afraid of snakes (and maybe mushrooms). I am intensely afraid of snakes. If I see a picture of a snake, chances are I will have a snake nightmare that night. So, the other day when I was reading the internet and read that in a video I could watch a honey badger have a (successful) tussle with a puff adder, I was confused and anxious.

Why would a badger fight a snake?

And how could the badger… win?

So, I investigated the honey badger. I began where I always begin research: Google Images and Wikipedia. (That is also usually where I end research, unless Internet Movie Database gets in the mix somehow.) The images revealed a decidedly squat, somewhat flat-headed animal. I could see why such an animal would have a bad attitude: while its name is cute, it is not. Some of the pictures made the animal look a little freaky (like the one where it was eating a snake), but generally, it looked kind of like if a skunk and a dog had a baby. Plus maybe a little bit of hedgehog. And/or seal. But whoa, Wikipedia. First off, honey badgers live in Africa, Iraq, and Pakistan. If that won’t make you tough, I don’t know what will. Next, they are described as “fierce carnivores.” However, they do love to eat honey. And beehives. While the bees are stinging them.  And occasionally die that way. Despite this, they are smart enough to use tools. And thanks to the “favorable claw to body ratio” they are considered the world’s “most fearsome land animal.” Their ferocity plus their “thick, loose skin” means that even lions leave them be since a lion can’t grip a honey badger tightly enough to dispatch it.

What Teresa Saw.

At this point, I felt like I had to see this animal in action. So I watched the youtube video. You watch it too, now. Start around 2:30 to see honey badger vs. puff adder. Start around 2:30 to be completely befuddled and have your perceptions of what is a scary beast rearranged.

See? See?

So I can’t decide whether I am a fan or afraid of honey badgers. They kill and eat snakes, which certainly gets them a plus in my book. The enemy of my enemy is my friend, right? But… they kill and eat snakes, even after being bitten and paralyzed by said snakes, which means… maybe they are worse than snakes. But then if you watch the video more, a baby honey badger tries to take a nap while his mom digs a hole and throws the dirt on him. That’s cute.

So what better to do than to adopt the term honey badger in a cute/freaky way. From now on I shall refer to girls who are cute but completely weird/psycho as “honey badgers.” So something along these lines:

CONSTANCE: So, have you met Herbert’s new girlfriend?

JEANETTE: Yes. She is pretty cute.

CONSTANCE: True, but I think she might be a bit of a honey badger. She wouldn’t let Herbert eat any red meat when they went on a date last week, and thinks he’s going to sell his action figure collection to buy her an engagement ring.

JEANETTE: That’s a shame.

Dear John Edwards,

It’s me again. Remember me? I kind of ripped you a new one back in September. Well, today the New York Times reports that you’ve admitted that little Frances Quinn Hunter is yours.

From the Times report: ”To all those I have disappointed and hurt, these words will never be enough, but I am truly sorry,” Edwards said in his statement on Thursday.

You’re right, John. It won’t ever be enough. Because even if you’re there for her for the next 40 years of her life, it won’t ever make up for the fact that trying to salvage your political career was more important to you than your own child. But I suppose that on the bright side, you’ve got plenty of time to spend with all of your kids now that you don’t have a political future.

Oh, and as for the reports that you and Elizabeth have split? Good for her. It’s just a pity that she didn’t take a cue from the Elin Woods playbook as she sent you packing.

A new Spider-Man is coming at you in 2012

According to this article, Sony has decided to reboot the Spider-Man franchise now that director Sam Raimi has told the powers that be that he cannot meet the desired deadline for the 4th film (matters of artistic integrity, it seems).  I’m not entirely sad about this news, as Raimi’s penchant for ridiculous humor really irritated me at times, but he did give us the second Spider-Man movie, probably the third best superhero movie out there (after Iron Man and Dark Knight).   It also means that I won’t have to suffer through Tobey Maguire as  Peter Parker anymore – has there been a more uninteresting one-note actor? – nor will I any longer have to accept Kirsten Dunst as supermodel Mary Jane Watson.

There are, however, a couple things that really irritate me about this move by Sony.  One, I’m going to have to suffer through another origin movie when the next Spider-Man movie comes out.  I’d love to know how many audience members at a Spider-Man film are truly ignorant of how milquetoast Parker got his spider-powers. Two, I have no trust whatsoever that Sony and its hand-picked director will bother staying  true to the source material; Spider-Man 3 was clearly movie-by-committee, trying to incorporate too many plot points and too many villains (I dislike Venom, anyway), and I think Raimi’s hands were tied to a degree by corporate decree.  But then there’s the news of which direction the 4th movie would have gone: John Malkovich as  The Vulture and an actress to be names later as the Vulturess.  The Vulture – another flying villain and an octogenarian at that?  What about the Lizard, whose alter-ego, Dr. Curt Connors, has been seen in both the second and third films? And for the non-Spider-Man readers out there: there’s no such villainess as the Vulturess – never has been.  And the name’s stupid, too.

A much better choice of villain for Spider-Man

I suspect the powers-that-be at Sony want a younger cast with a more open direction, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that – it worked wonders for Batman – but I also worry that they will sacrifice character in favor of marketing numbers.  Spider-Man is the biggest name in the Marvel pantheon, and Sony’s only real motivation will be money, as they know that fans of the character will continue to pay to see the films.

What I really wish is that Marvel Studios could buy back the rights to the character – a definite possibility since Disney has purchased the House of Ideas.  As seen with Iron Man and the latest Hulk film, when Marvel has final say-so over the script and production values, they turn out some truly incredible films.  Let’s hope that, no matter who ends up producing the new Spider-Man films, quality story-telling will win out.

Though I fear history suggests otherwise.