The Daily Procrastinator

Important News! Mötley Crüe is releasing their Greatest Hits album on November 17, 2009.    Greatness!

Well, at least if you don’t already have:

One

Decade of Decadence,

Two

Greatest Hits,

Three

Supersonic & Demonic Relics,

Four

The Millennium Collection,

Five, Six

Red, White & Crüe (2-disc set),

Seven, Eight

Music to Crash Your Car To (Volumes 1 and 2), or

Nine, Ten, and Eleven

Loud as F@*k (3-disc set).

Jesus.  Did Gene Simmons die and take over the body of Nikki Sixx or something?

Welcome back to “Beast or Bust?”, the weekly column in which I, BigRedPoet, offer my predictions for the following week’s NFL games in the hope that you can use this information to improve your fantasy football team.

For the purposes of this feature, I will make reference to Yahoo’s projected statistics. Luckily, I don’t expect statistics to vary much between fantasy football sites, so non-Yahoo users aren’t left out in the cold. Your “Beast” will be a player who I expect to exceed his projections by at least 5 points, and your “Bust” will be a player who I predict will come up at least 5 points short of what’s expected. I’ll also toss in an “OMG” pick each week; this will be a player who’s projected to score less than 5 points, and who will rise from relative obscurity to deliver an unexpected and outstanding performance. If the NFL slate for the week is particularly juicy, I might predict multiple players in any or all of those categories.

As it turns out, I’m finding that 5 points is a REALLY big margin of difference between the projections and these guys’ actual performances. This is difficult! My win/loss ratio is starting to look laughable. Think you can do better? I challenge you to post comments with your own beast, bust, and OMG.

Week 7 Beast: 49ers WR Michael Crabtree

Well, look who decided to accept the paltry sum of 17 million dollars (at the very least, and 40 million at best) to finally come play some football. Even though I think his holdout was one of the premiere bonehead moves of the decade, I can’t deny that Michael Crabtree is a beast. According to official reports, Crabtree is going to be on the field often during the 49ers’ week 7 game, and there’s a “strong possibility” that he will start. I wouldn’t be surprised, considering that the other WR options in San Francisco are Isaac “Grandpa” Bruce and Josh “Who?” Morgan. Projected for just 6.25 points, equal to 62 total yards, Crabtree possesses the talents to eclipse those numbers by a mile, particularly against Houston’s fairly user-friendly defense. This will be Crabtree’s first NFL game, and trusting a total greenhorn is always a risk, but I see enough upside here to start him at WR3 in just about any league.

My Prediction: 80 yards, 1 touchdown

Week 7 Bust: Panthers WR Steve Smith

That’s right. I’m calling out former monster Steve Smith of the Carolina Panthers, even though he’s only projected for 7.6 points, to fall short of his projections by five. I don’t think he’s gonna do jack in week 7. Take a look at the situation: 1) Jake Delhomme is terrible. He’s a turnover machine. To quote Brad Evans, I’ve turned “Delhommophobic.” 2) Carolina faces Buffalo in week 7, a team that surrenders a league-worst 181.2 yards per game rushing. DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart are going to carry the ball constantly, particularly since Dehomme sucks. 3) The entire defensive backfield will be focused on shutting Smith down. Carolina’s only other WR is Muhsin Muhammad, who I trust about as far as Delhomme can throw. 4) Smith is at odds with his team, sayin after last week’s game that he “no longer feels like an asset” to the Panthers. That can’t be good. Smith’s week is doomed, procrastinators.

My Prediction: 2 catches, 20 yards, no touchdowns

Week 7 OMG: Vikings WR Sidney Rice

We all know that the Vikings are still Adrian Peterson’s team, but the addition of Favre has breathed considerable life back into the Minnesota passing game. Rice is an emerging young talent who’s posted a couple of outstanding stat lines this season, particularly last week, as he caught 6 passes for 176 yards. I don’t think he’s likely to repeat that monster performance this week, but he’s in a position to score pretty well. The Vikings are likely to go to the air often against the Steelers, who are awfully stout against the run. Projected for just 5.04, equal to 50 total yards, Rice will prove useful to fantasy owners with the guts to start him.

My prediction: 70 yards, 1 touchdown

I’m all about accountability. Each week, after I offer my predictions, I’ll take credit for the previous week’s success and/or eat crow over last week’s dismal failure.

Week 6 Picks

• Beast: Nate Burleson
• Projected Score: 9.79
• Actual Score: 4.0

Allow me to quote rotowire.com: Seattle had a dreadful game offensively, and Burleson had a season-low five targets. It’s all the more disappointing considering the Seahawks were facing the league’s worst pass defense. The conditions were right. The Seahawks blew it. I lose.

• Bust: Clinton Portis
• Projected Score: 14.27
• Actual Score: 10.4

At this point, I’m a victim to my own rules. Portis did underperform, but not as miserably as I needed him to in order to fulfill my “five points under” requirement. I REALLY want partial credit, here. I didn’t make provisions for that, though. I lose. Crap.

• OMG: Kellen Winslow
• Projected Score: 4.95
• Actual Score: 2.9

Huh. I guess catching everything in his general vicinity and scoring two touchdowns in week 5 isn’t enough to make the Bucs trust Winslow with a few targets in week 6. I’m baffled. I lose.

BRP’s win/loss ratio: 4/14

Rule #34: See this film immediately

Zombieland, and I mean this in the most admiring way, is a fast-food movie. Just as Super-Sonic Cheeseburgers aren’t wolfed down for their nutritional value, Zombieland is mindless fun: it’s hilarious, winks at the audience continually, and takes well-deserved shots at the now-established traditions of zombie flicks.

No where are these shots more obvious than in Columbus’ (Jesse Eisenburg) rules for survival (”Rule #1: Cardio” – as scenes of fat guys being chased down by zombies are played). Throughout the film, Eisenberg’s rules are displayed on screen as those who fail to follow the rules end up as human tartare for the zombies. The gore of these kills, though, is more cartoonish than frightening, and only serves to elevate the humor of the film. Dispatched zombies (of which there are plenty), are always accompanied by satisfyingly large splatterings of blood and bile as it’s vital not to forget Rule #2: the Double Tap.

Batter up!

The plot (okay, the term is used a bit loosely here) of the movie centers around Eisenberg’s milquetoast, who is attempting to make his way back to his hometown (Columbus) to see if his parents are still alive. This journey is interrupted by Tallahassee (a screamingly funny Woody Harrelson), a man with two drives in life: revenge against zombies and a quest to find Twinkies. These two later take up with two other survivors, Wichita (Emma Stone) and her 12 year old sister Little Rock (Abigail Breslin). The city names are references to their hometowns, as Tallahassee wishes to avoid any emotional attachment (which, in the movie’s only truly sentimental moment, is revealed why later). The four end up traveling together to California to search for zombie-free areas.

The cast of Zombieland

So much of the fun of the movie is seeing the relationship develop between Tallahassee and Columbus, as their back and forth bantering and antagonization of each other reveals real comic timing. But, of course, the true hilarity of the film comes with the creative zombie deaths – look for the “Zombie Kill of the Week” performed by a nun with a piano. And a certain movie star’s cameo is inspired (don’t look at imdb’s credits if you want to be surprised).

At a running time of just about an hour and a half, Zombieland never has a chance to go stale, and remains pitch perfect in its blend of humor and horror. But don’t be fooled: this movie is first and foremost a comedy, and the frights only serve to set up the reactions from the film’s players. If you’re looking for a post-apocalyptic film with a message, wait for Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. If you want some fries with your zombies, though, Zombieland’s being served at a theater near you.

Months ago, when I saw the first film trailer for the movie Where The Wild Things Are, I freaked out with anticipation. Images of Maurice Sendak’s big furry beasts galumphing through the wilderness in a wild rumpus immediately flooded my mind. I had flashbacks to lying in my bed as a kid and trying to figure out how that one monster could possibly have lizard legs, buffalo horns, tiger stripes, and bear paws and yet still intend no harm to little Max.

Since I was a kid, this has always been my favorite image from Wild Things.

I had high hopes that the movie would echo the idea, so prevalent in the book, that not everything (or everyone, more to the point) that looks scary is actually a threat. My hopes were sorely denied.

Apparently, Spike Jonze (who is now on my List Of People To Punch In The Nose On Sight not only for his mistreatment of Wild Things, but also for his ridiculous deliberate misspelling of his assumed last name) didn’t think that the original text of the book was important to the making of the film. Instead of being the benevolent beasts of the book, the Wild Things in the movie are a bunch of whiny, self-obsessed, violent conflict-mongers.

When Max arrives on the island, his first encounter with the Wild Things involves watching the monster pictured above (named Carroll in an apparent homage to the creator of the Jabberwock) as he destroys the homes of his fellow Things for no apparent reason. We soon learn that he’s pissed because one of his fellow Things, K.W., has run off. No explanation for K.W.’s behavior is ever offered, though, and the plot of the film never regains any sense of purpose. This first encounter does, however, set up the complicated relationship that Max and Carroll will share throughout the rest of the film.

In one of the film's best moments, Carroll gives Max a lift.

To complicate matters further, Jonze (and collaborator Sendak, the book’s original creator) decide to make the Wild Things clearly male and female, and two different pairs of them are couples. The Things Judith and Ira, a bumbling oaf of a guy and a narcissistic bitch of a woman, plague the film with their relationship. Likewise, Carroll’s anger over K.W.’s departure seems to be based on a relationship that the two may or may not share. It’s never really clear.

When K.W. brings back some new friends to the Things’ fort, the rest of the gang, especially Carroll, refuses to accept them as part of the group. Carroll turns to Max to solve the situation, since he’s serving as their erstwhile king, but he doesn’t have any answers. It seems that Jonze is trying to make a political statement about how we and our leaders treat those unlike ourselves, but the issue is left unresolved and only serves to complicate an already unnecessarily complicated film.

Although the plot of the movie is disastrous, Where Wild Things Are is interesting to look at. The costumes of the Things are fantastic, accurately duplicating the images from the original art. The film offers many close-ups of the Things as they speak, and their big furry faces clearly register a variety of emotions that must have required untold hours of either mechanical animatronics or computer animation. The Things’ eyes, in particular, are beautiful. As the adage suggests, they give us a view of each Thing’s soul.

As the Things rumble around the island, they often jump to great heights, and the animation of their jumps is wildly amusing. They seem to rise into the air as if by levitation, springing toward the treetops despite their stumpy legs and thickly built bodies. In fact, they jump exactly the way the monsters in a little boy’s imagination might jump, which I find perfect, as all the events on the island happen in Max’s imagination.

Q: What have learned so far? A: While the plot is bad, the visual effects are good. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. The plot isn’t a complete loss, though. I need to mention a couple moments that stand out as high points. As I mentioned above, the scene in which Carroll lets Max ride on his back is sweet. Also, there’s a scene in which all of the Things sleep in a giant pile, calling good nights to one another as they collectively drift off into huge, furry slumber.

Finally, the scene in which Max leaves the island (don’t groan about spoilers; you knew it was going to end this way) is simultaneously beautiful and infuriating. All the Things gather at the beach to watch Max as he sails back to his home, and their howling as he sails into the surf is heart-wrenching. Visually, it’s a beautiful scene, and the music, camera work, and sound effects are perfect. I wish I could stop writing about the scene now, but I can’t. Although Max’s farewell is a fantastic moment, it’s also ridiculous because there’s never any explanation of why Max chooses to leave the island. It’s as if he just randomly decides to split in the middle of the conflict on Thing Island. The implied theme: When you mess things up really badly, run away; that will make things better.

It makes me want to scream like a Wild Thing.

Occasionally, Jonze's adaptation is beautiful.

I wish I could tell you to go watch Where The Wild Things Are. I wish I could celebrate the successful translation of a classic children’s book to the big screen. I wish I could tell you to take your children to the movies. I can’t do any of those things, though. (I especially can’t recommend the film for kids. This is NOT a children’s move. They’ll be alternately terrified and bored. I promise.) Frankly, I’m saddened that future generations of kids will say things like, “Where The Wild Things Are is a book, too? I didn’t know that!”

Do yourself a favor: preserve your love of Where The Wild Things Are by avoiding this film. Let your imagination give life to the Things. If not for yourself, avoid the film for your kids’ sake. They deserve to see the Wild Things like this:

Welcome back to “Beast or Bust?”, the weekly column in which I, BigRedPoet, offer my predictions for the following week’s NFL games in the hope that you can use this information to improve your fantasy football team.

For the purposes of this feature, I will make reference to Yahoo’s projected statistics. Luckily, I don’t expect statistics to vary much between fantasy football sites, so non-Yahoo users aren’t left out in the cold. Your “Beast” will be a player who I expect to exceed his projections by at least 5 points, and your “Bust” will be a player who I predict will come up at least 5 points short of what’s expected. I’ll also toss in an “OMG” pick each week; this will be a player who’s projected to score less than 5 points, and who will rise from relative obscurity to deliver an unexpected and outstanding performance. If the NFL slate for the week is particularly juicy, I might predict multiple players in any or all of those categories.

As it turns out, I’m finding that 5 points is a REALLY big margin of difference between the projections and these guys’ actual performances. This is difficult! My win/loss ratio is starting to look laughable. Think you can do better? I challenge you to post comments with your own beast, bust, and OMG.

Week 6 Beast: Seahawks WR Nate Burleson

Burleson has been a bit sketchy so far this season, to say the least. In fact, according to Yahoo, he’s only owned in 80% of leagues. If he’s a free agent in your league, go add him. Now. Burleson’s poor performances in the early weeks had a name: Seneca Wallace. With Seahawks starting QB Matt Hasselbeck sidelined by injury, the ‘Hawks were forced to start Wallace, who just isn’t good. Last week, being targeted by a healthy Hasselbeck, Burleson caught 6 passes for 98 yards and two touchdowns. This week, in The Batttle Of The Birds, the Seahawks face the Cardinals, who have the league’s worst pass defense. Expect Burleson to have another huge game. Projected for just 9.79 points, equal to 97 total yards or 37 total yards and a touchdown, Burleson is poised to defy expectations.

My prediction: 120 yards, 1-2 touchdowns

Bonus Beast: Eagles TE Brent Celek

Week 6 Bust: Redskins RB Clinton Portis

Sure, Portis had a good week last week, posting 74 yards and two touchdowns. Let’s look back into weeks 1-4, though. He scored 7.2, 8.8, 4.8, and 9.8 points in the season’s first four contests. This week, Yahoo is projecting Portis for 14.27 points against the Chiefs, which would require 142 total yards or 82 yards and a touchdown. Granted, the Chiefs suck. On the other hand, Portis is older than God, and he’s suffering from the cumulative effects of various injuries. The most recent is a calf issue which has him listed on this week’s injury report and participating only partially in practice. Adding to my skepticism, the Chiefs’ front line is banged up this week, and they’ll be starting some second-stringers. I just don’t trust this situation. Call it a hunch. Call it his performance early this season. Call it whatever you want, but make sure you put Portis on the bench this week.

My prediction: 75 yards, no touchdowns

Week 6 OMG: Buccaneers TE Kellen Winslow

I know that Winslow has really only had one big week this season. I also know that the Bucs, as a general rule, are bad. On the other hand, I know that Kellen Winslow has a ton and a half of raw talent, and his week 6 opponent, Carolina, although they’re awfully good at shutting down wide receivers, has major struggles covering tight ends. Last week, Winslow hauled in 9 catches for 102 yards and two touchdowns. Quarterback Josh Johnson MUST have noticed. On a team where the only other reliable receiver is Antonio Bryant, who’s  currently hobbled by knee issues, Winslow is by far the most likely Bucs player to post useful fantasy numbers in week 6. While he’s projected for 4.95 points, equal to just 49 total yards, I think the can have a considerably better day as Johnson’s go-to guy.

My prediction: 65 yards, 1 touchdown

I’m all about accountability. Each week, after I offer my predictions, I’ll take credit for the previous week’s success and/or eat crow over last week’s dismal failure.

Week 5 Picks

• Beast: Bernard Berrian
• Projected Score: 7.0
• Actual Score: 3.9

What can I say? I’m starting to think that being chosen as BRP’s Beast is the kiss of death. It’s like the Best New Artist grammy or the cover of Madden. I lose.

• Bust: Tim Hightower
• Projected Score: 11.71
• Actual Score: 10.7

Sigh. Contrary to the “BRP Beast Effect,” it seems that being chosen as the Bust virtually assures a player of having a decent week. I lose. Again.

• OMG: Mohamed Massaquoi
• Projected Score: 2.97
• Actual Score: 1.6

Are you still reading my predictions under the illusion that they’re going to help you? If so, I’m afraid that you might need to think twice about where you get your fantasy advice. I lose. Again. Again.

BRP’s win/loss ratio: 4/11

Welcome back to “Beast or Bust?”, the weekly column in which I, BigRedPoet, offer my predictions for the following week’s NFL games in the hope that you can use this information to improve your fantasy football team.

For the purposes of this feature, I will make reference to Yahoo’s projected statistics. Luckily, I don’t expect statistics to vary much between fantasy football sites, so non-Yahoo users aren’t left out in the cold. Your “Beast” will be a player who I expect to exceed his projections by at least 5 points, and your “Bust” will be a player who I predict will come up at least 5 points short of what’s expected. I’ll also toss in an “OMG” pick each week; this will be a player who’s projected to score less than 5 points, and who will rise from relative obscurity to deliver an unexpected and outstanding performance. If the NFL slate for the week is particularly juicy, I might predict multiple players in any or all of those categories.

As it turns out, I’m finding that 5 points is a REALLY big margin of difference between the projections and these guys’ actual performances. This is difficult! My win/loss ratio is starting to look laughable. Think you can do better? I challenge you to post comments with your own beast, bust, and OMG.

Week 5 Beast: Vikings WR Bernard Berrian

Berrian’s receptions and yards have been awfully consistent this year. He went 4/81, 6/46, 4/56, and 6/75 and a TD in the fist four weeks of the season. Last week, in his first contest againt the Packers, Vikings QB Favre stepped up his game to a level I haven’t seen from him in a long long time, completing 24 of 31 for 271 yards and 3 TDs. It was a pretty inspired performance, and all over the country people suddenly realized that while, yes, this is still AP’s team, the passing game can work, too. The Vikings face the pathetic defense of the Rams this week, and I expect Favre to have another big day. One of the beneficiaries of his success will be downfield threat Bernard Berrian. Yahoo projects just 7.0 points for Berrian, which equals 70 total yards or 10 total yards and a touchdown. Even though AP is going to return to his role of carrying this team on his back, Favre will go downfield when the Rams put about ten guys in the box.

My prediction: 5 catches, 85 yards, 1 TD 

Week 5 Bust: Cardinals RB Tim Hightower

Several factors lead me to believe that Hightower is fully benchable this week. First of all, he’s only had one decent game this year. Against San Francisco in week 1 and Indy in week 3, he was absolutely shut down, gaining a combined 37 yards on a combined 17 carries. Granted, he rushes against the Texans in week 5, and the Texans’ run defense is pretty miserable. However, that leads me to reason number two: the Texans have a remarkably potent offense, as do the Cardinals. This game is going to be a shootout, and running backs generally don’t fare too well in such games. Warner, Fitz, and Boldin could have huge days. Heck, Steve Breaston and Jerheme Urban might even post semi-useful fantasy stats, but I’m betting Hightower gets left out in the cold. One of his main strengths is catching the ball out of the backfield, in which case he becomes the linebackers’ problem more than the defensive line’s. It just so happens that (reason three) the Texans have a pretty solid group of linebackers, including standout rookie Brian Cushing and every-year beast DeMeco Ryans. Although Yahoo is predicting 11.71 points for Hightower, equal to 117 total yards or 51 total yards and a touchdown, I just don’t see it happening.

My prediction: 65 yards rushing, no TDs

Week 5 OMG:Browns WR Mohamed Massoquoi

The Browns have finally parted ways with Braylon “Banana Hands” Edwards, trading him to the Jets for “wide receiver Chansi Stuckey, linebacker Jason Trusnik and two undisclosed draft choices,” according to online reports. Braylon is a beast in the raw talent department, but he’s always been a bit of a bust in the area of refined skills. Here’s hoping New York treats him well. Meanwhile, back in the MidWest, Mohamed Massaquoi just rose to the top of Cleveland’s depth chart. While the teams roster lists exactly zero talented quarterbacks, somebody has to catch the ball once in a while. He caught just one pass in each of his first two games of the season, but he showed off his potentially eye-popping talent in week 4, catching 8 passes for 148 yards. The Browns face Buffalo in week 5, and the Bills are giving up 226 passing yards per game this season, surrendering 6 touchdowns through the air so far. Projected for just 2.97 fantasy points, equal to just under 30 total yards, Massaquoi will prove the Yahoo prognosticators wrong.

My prediction: 5 catches, 105 yards, 1 TD 

I’m all about accountability. Each week, after I offer my predictions, I’ll take credit for the previous week’s success and/or eat crow over last week’s dismal failure.

Week 4 Picks

• Beast: Cedric Benson
• Projected Score: 15.05
• Actual Score: 8.6

Some people have argued that Cedric Benson is physically incapable of being a reliable fantasy RB option. Until this week, I thought ol’ Ced was proving them wrong in 2009. Then he choked against the Bengals. I was surprised, but I guess I shouldn’t have been. Choking at inopportune moments is the defintion of “unreliable,” right? I lose.

• Bust: Thomas Jones
• Projected Score: 9.2
• Actual Score: 10.8

I predicted Jones for 40 yards and no touchdowns. Unfortunately, he managed 48 yards (I was close!) but also managed to stumble across the goal line. It was an uninspiring performance, but I still lose.

• OMG: Earl Bennett
• Projected Score: 4.77
• Actual Score: 3.2

Huh. This makes three in a row. I may need to give up this prognistication business. Apparently, I don’t have the gift. This should be obvious, as I’m 0-4 in one of my fantasy leagues. Of course, I’m 4-0 in the other, so I may keep plugging along.

BRP’s win/loss ratio: 4/8

There is a used bookstore near my home, within walking distance. Today, while walking past it, I decided to backtrack and go in. Note that “walked” is the important word in this story.

Just outside the front door was a library cart full of books, the kind that looks like it’s on its way to a reshelving project. And on that cart was the most magical sign: $1 hardcover, $0.50 paperback.

Eleven books later, I had a stack that was a foot and a half tall, and I hadn’t even walked through the door. I had Barbara Kingsolver, Margaret Atwood, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Ernest Hemingway. I even found two book club selections, The Bookseller of Kabul and A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier. The price: $9.33 including tax. I was giddy. This sort of thing is a bookworm’s dream come true.

Now, how was I going to get them home?

Fortunately for me, the owner was there and offered to let me stash the books in her bottom desk drawer until I returned with the car. Now they stand on my “To Read” shelf, beckoning me every time I pass. I’m only 30 pages from completing my current read, Swimming to Antarctica (a bargain books 2-for-1 steal from Borders), and then I have to make the tough decision about which book I should read next.

It is with no small amount of fanfare that I would like to make an announcement: I, TallGirl, am a runner.

You’re probably shrugging your shoulders.  People run all the time, right?  And even I have run a couple of half marathons in the past.  But here’s the thing: even in the middle of training for 13.1-mile runs, I never felt like a runner.  It was hard.  It was grueling.  It was about as pleasant as listening to my in-laws rant about how my best friend is singlehandedly going to ruin the world because she is… a registered Democrat. (Insert your shocked, audible gasp here.)  I would come home from a run completely demoralized, with my joints aching.  My back would be so tight that I couldn’t even bend over to touch my toes.  It hurt.  Running sucked.

I’ve never been much of an athlete.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t like sports.  It simply means that I’ve lacked the coordination and skill to be good at them.  But it’s one thing to not be good at basketball or baseball, and another thing to not be good at running.  It’s running.  I’ve been doing it since I was a toddler.  Why did the enjoyment elude me?

People told me that it wasn’t fun because of my height.  My body simply wasn’t designed for this, they’d say.  But I just couldn’t believe that this was true.  Sure, I’m a six-footer, but I’m carrying around less weight than most 5′6″ women that I know, and physics seems to indicate that weight, not height, should be more of a factor.  So after my last injury, I started doing what a research geek does best: I read.  A lot.  And while there are dozens of sources and studies that I read online, it was all largely encapsulated in Born to Run, a book so chock-full of “a-ha!” moments that I wanted to immediately go out for a run.

I ditched my orthotics.  I changed my shoes.  I changed my stride.  I practiced and concentrated and focused on what I was doing, rather than just pounding the pavement.  And by god, it worked.  Not only have I not re-injured that tendon that sidelined me for the first eight months of the year, but I’ve increased my speed by 25%.  I come home happy, relaxed and limber enough that I can not only touch my toes, I can reach beyond them.  And every morning, I look forward to going out for my run.  YMMV.

It’s not to late to become a runner.  Really.  I’m proof.

For most of my life, I hated hot sauce.  It’s not that I don’t like the heat — I’ll eat nearly any kind of chicken that’s drenched in wing sauce, and that’s little more than hot sauce and butter — so there was really no plausible explanation for my aversion to the stuff.  And then, in the waning days of my 20s, a coworker shared a secret: I didn’t hate hot sauce.  What I hated was Tabasco.

Drop your regular hot sauce and give this a try.

With all due respect to the McIlhenny family, there isn’t a drop of flavor in the classic Tabasco hot sauce.  Heat, yes; I learned the hard way from cleaning up a shattered bottle that the stuff burns like hell if it gets into a cut or hangnail.  But flavor?  No.

I tried several other brands of sauce, but the classic pepper sauce that I settled on as my personal favorite was Cholula.  Try it on an omelette someday.  Trust me, it’s a whole new flavor experience.

But then, one day at Chipotle, I noticed that Tabasco had two other flavors: milder jalapeno and, appropriately, chipotle.  I tried both and while the jalapeno isn’t bad, I find the green color to be a total turnoff.  But the deep red, smoky flavor of the chipotle won me over.  I love this stuff.  If I didn’t already have too much crap in my bag, I’d carry a bottle around with me to salvage mediocre burritos and tacos (and possibly breakfasts).

Do yourself a favor: if you enjoy flavor more than just heat, give this stuff a try.  Better yet, invite me along for a burrito.

Welcome back to “Beast or Bust?”, the weekly column in which I, BigRedPoet, offer my predictions for the following week’s NFL games in the hope that you can use this information to improve your fantasy football team.

For the purposes of this feature, I will make reference to Yahoo’s projected statistics. Luckily, I don’t expect statistics to vary much between fantasy football sites, so non-Yahoo users aren’t left out in the cold. Your “Beast” will be a player who I expect to exceed his projections by at least 5 points, and your “Bust” will be a player who I predict will come up at least 5 points short of what’s expected. I’ll also toss in an “OMG” pick each week; this will be a player who’s projected to score less than 5 points, and who will rise from relative obscurity to deliver an unexpected and outstanding performance. If the NFL slate for the week is particularly juicy, I might predict multiple players in any or all of those categories.

Week 4 Beast: Bengals RB Cedric Benson

Last year (and the year before, and the year before that) it looked like Benson’s beastly college career just didn’t translate into the NFL. In 2009, though, the Coolio lookalike is running like a new man. So far, he’s posted 76 yards and a TD against Denver, 141 yards against Green Bay, and 76 yards and a TD against Pittsburgh. Those are three pretty stout defenses. Benson’s week 4 opponent, Cleveland, is decidedly not stout. In fact, they’re giving up 184 yards per game to opposing RBs this season. They’ve given up 8 rushing TDs in three weeks. Benson is the only guy carrying the ball in Cincinati. He’s going to blow up against the Browns. Yahoo projects 15.05 points, which would require either 150 total yards or 90 total yards and a touchdown. I would never have said this in past years, but I think Benson can outscore those numbers considerably.

My prediction: 120 yards, 2 touchdowns

Bonus Beast: 49ers RB Glen Coffee

He’s projected for 13.03, but he’s going to TORCH the Rams. ‘Nuff said.

(Edit: Look here. Evans is stealin’ my ideas. I wrote it first!)

Week 4 Bust: Jets RB Thomas Jones

In week 1, Jones blew up against the Texans, and fantasy football owners swooned with visions that he was the same back who kicked some serious ass in 2008. In the two weeks since, though, he’s been a genuine dud. He carried 14 times for 54 yards in week 2 (3.9 average), and earned just 20 yards on 14 carries in week 3 (1.4 average). Ouch. This week, the Jets face New Orleans. The Saints are almost certain to open up a huge lead early, and the Jets will be forced to throw the ball in an effort to keep up. To complicate matters, Jones is splitting carries with Leon Washington, who has looked pretty impressive, averaging 4.0 yards per carry on the season. Between the Jets’ need to throw, Jones’ loathsome performances in the past couple weeks, and Leon Washington’s intrusion, I just don’t trust Thomas Jones to earn the 9.2 points Yahoo is projecting for him. Look for him to crash and burn.

My prediction: 40 yards, no touchdowns

Week 4 OMG: Bears WR Earl Bennett

Earl Bennett is quietly having a strong season in the Bears’ WR corps. He’s racked up 13 receptions (tied for team lead) for 168 yards (second on the team). He’s established himself as a reliable target for Cutler. As the Bears face the miserable Lions this weekend, Bennett will post another handful of receptions. I also think he’ll find the end zone for the first time this year. The Detroit defense is likely to focus heavily on Devin Hester, who is Cutler’s primary downfield threat, and Bennett will be able to find holes in the coverage. Projected for just 4.77 points, Bennett will be a pleasant surprise in week 4.

My prediction: 60 yards, 1 touchdown

I’m all about accountability. Each week, after I offer my predictions, I’ll take credit for the previous week’s success and/or eat crow over last week’s dismal failure.

Week 3 Picks

• Beast: Matt Forte
• Projected Score: 13.75
• Actual Score: 10.6

Well. I don’t know what to say here except that I’m genuinely surprised. Forte’s sophomore slump appears to be more drastic than I’d imagined. He’s carried 59 times for 150 yards on the season, which gives him an average of 2.5 yards per carry. He hasn’t scored a touchdown yet, either. I humbly apologize to any fantasy owner who took my advice and placed faith in Forte to break out against the wimpy Seahawks defense. I lose.

• Bust: Mario Manningham
• Projected Score: 12.75
• Actual Score: 5.5

My prediction for Manningham was 65 yards and no touchdowns. It turns out that he decided to further emphasize his Bust status by gaining just 55 yards. He may blow up occasionally, but this guy is not an every-week auto start. I win.

• OMG: Eddie Royal
• Projected Score: 4.06
• Actual Score: 0.4

Damn. I felt really good about Royal’s chances to come to life. While this pick results in a resounding loss for me, I’m not giving up on Royal. In fact, one owner in my league *coughFlashCapcough* dropped him out of spite, and I’ve picked him up and plan to start him in week 4. He’s too good to stay dormant.

• BRP’s win/loss ratio: 4/5