The Daily Procrastinator

Yes, you read the title of this post correctly. In the past 48 hours, procrastinators, I have discovered the sad truth: I am not manly enough for yoga.

I have to preface this story with a little background. Last January, I resolved to become the “SomewhatLessBigRedPoet.” Thus far, it’s been going pretty well. I’ve changed the way I eat, and I try to work out at least occasionally. When I first started on this mission, I ran four or five days every week. I quickly discovered that my knees and ankles didn’t appreciate the impact of feet on concrete, so I gave up on running and just redoubled my efforts to eat healthy. All went well, and I reached a weight that I’m really happy with.

Now, I want to tone up. Weighing less is good, but weighing less and looking sexy would be even better. Conveniently, my mother is a big supporter of my efforts to get in shape, and about a two months ago, she sent me one of those sets of workout DVDs that are advertised on obscure television channels in the middle of the day. On Saturday morning, I opened the DVDs for the first time.

There are a dozen discs in the set, and many of them have intimidating titles like “Ab Ripper.” I flipped through them with some trepidation until I saw a disc called “Yoga.” Immediately, visions of thin, meditative, far Eastern men flashed to mind. Aha, I thought to myself, Yoga. This will be a nice, easy way to slowly immerse myself back into the world of working out.

Wrong.

After practicing the positions Downward Facing Dog, Warrior 1, Warrior 2, Reverse Warrior, and Runner’s Pose, my entire body hurts. I have pain in places where I didn’t even know I had muscles. After some tentative inquiries on Google, it seems I may acquainted myself with such positions as Groin Pull and Strained Oblique.

Behold: the Downward Facing Dog. I'm not sure it looks like this when I do it.

As I shambled up the stairs to work this morning, I’m sure the look on my face was similar to the face I might make while simultaneously hitting my thumb with a hammer and passing a kidney stone. It couldn’t have been pretty. Somewhere in the back of my mind, there’s a little voice that keeps saying, That soreness is PROGRESS. It means you had a good workout, but you need to work a little harder. I hate that voice.

Still, the voice is right. I don’t think I’ll go back to yoga just yet, though. Maybe I’ll try the “Ab Ripper.” What’s the worst that could happen?