The Daily Procrastinator

May 1st is going to disappoint a lot of Wolverine fans. It’s going to enrage a lot of every single Deadpool fan. Gambit and Emma Frost fans are going to feel slighted. Hell, the three Blob super-fans out there are going to have to commiserate over a bucket of fried chicken skins after seeing Wolverine: Origins. To a Marvel comic book reader, the movie is that bad.

To non-comic book readers, the movie might be a mindless, action-filled romp, which is apparently all Fox wanted this movie to be. To fans of the comic book characters, the movie will be yet another example of why Fox should keep their hands off of Marvel properties.

Think about it. The most successful comic book movies have been films that, above all, stay true to the characters they are representing from the comic books. The Dark Knight takes enormous liberties with the details of how Bruce Wayne manages to be the caped crusader, but the movie never falters on the reasons why he does what he does. The first two Spider-Man films might diverge from the stories as presented in the comics, but they don’t infringe on who Peter Parker is, who Spider-Man has historically been (and even the third can only be faulted for how poorly the symbiote’s influence on Parker was portrayed). And the first two X-Men films, while not presenting the exact stories from the books, get the characters right.

Even with Storm's bad hair, you can still recognize each character

Look at the failed superhero movies: Daredevil, while not a complete bomb, tried to make the Man Without Fear into a Spider-Man/Batman hybrid. He’s not. It should be the simplest thing in the world to make a solid Punisher movie, but it hasn’t happened yet. Elektra might as well not have been about the Marvel character. The Fantastic Four films chose to go cheap on characterization, heavy on the campiness, and any sense of these characters beyond cartoons is never allowed. The casting wasn’t all that great, either (note: when re-booting, keep that guy who played Johnny Storm, can the rest – yes, including Jessica Alba – and make the Thing CGI).

Shouldn't The Thing look more physically imposing?

Wolverine: Origins commits the same damn mistake that those latter films do: it’s not true to the source material. Listen, I could care less how Ryan Reynolds character becomes Deadpool, so long as the figure called Deadpool is a mouthy killer who’s good with all kinds of weapons. He shouldn’t shoot Cyclops’ beams out of his eyes nor should swords the length of his arms come out of his forearms, AND HIS MOUTH SHOULDN’T BE SEWN SHUT! And it follows that if a prior film suggests that Wolverine has a dark past (you know, like X2 – and all of Marvel continuity – suggests), I’d expect to see some dark times rather than a character that is utterly heroic and noble throughout his entire life. As the tagline suggests, what Wolverine does isn’t very nice.

FOX studio's version of Deadpool - I'm not kidding.

I don’t think it’s any coincidence that the most successful comic books films remain true to the source material. There’s a reason these characters have remained popular with readers for decades, and when a studio disregards these qualities in favor of a chance to dazzle with some meaningless special effect, they are not creating a Wolverine movie, a Marvel movie, or a DC movie, but a _______ studio movie.

And that’s not what comic fans are paying to see.

With everyone up in arms about the swine flu, I thought it was a good time to put things in perspective and remind people to use common sense.

Swine flu can kill you!

I really hate to be all anti-hysteric and burst your bubble, but all flu – true influenza and not the inaccurately named “stomach flu” – has the potential to kill you.  In the U.S. alone, more than 200,000 people are hospitalized from influenza each year, and more than 40,000 die.  That’s just in the United States.  Worldwide, the population is culled by up to half a million annually, just from flu.  The same flu that you don’t really give any thought to each year.

This is why there’s a flu vaccine.  This wasn’t developed just because epidemiologists want to prevent you from feeling like crap.  It’s because the flu can kill you.  Not just swine flu, but regular old flu.

But I heard it on the news!

Yes, this has lots of publicity, just like SARS and bird flu before it.  That does not, in and of itself, make it more dangerous.  

Don’t leave the house!

Have you ever worked in an office where the flu took out coworkers one by one?  This one operates in the same way.  Wash your hands, use antibacterial hand gels and encourage the sick people to stay home, the same way you would if any other cold or flu was traveling through the office.

It’s the same as the 1918 flu!

Yes, it is an H1N1 strain, just like the 1918 flu.  But H1N1 strains are not uncommon, and that doesn’t mean that some hideously deadly form of flu has resurfaced after 90 years.  In fact, an H1N1 variant is present in this year’s flu shot.

Rush to the doctor at the first signs of illness!

If you’re sick today, odds are good that it’s something other than swine flu that’s sickening you.  Avoid the doctor’s office and all of the nasty germies that are floating around there.  You’re more likely to catch something from the doctor’s office than you are from maintaining reasonable health practices out in the real world.

For more information

Some wonderfully informed bloggers and resources are out there.  Check out the Global Health Report from Christine Gorman, Aetiology from Tara C. Smith and an excellent article on swine flu genomics from Wired.

It’s no Squeez Bacon, but in these days where Swine Flu gives the pig a bad name, I feel that it’s my patriotic duty to remind us all that bacon is safe to eat.  And I do this with Bacon Explosion.  Go ahead, click the link.  I’ll wait.

Behold, a pork extravaganza.

Bacon, pork sausage, seasoning and BBQ sauce.  It’s insanity.  And yet, for as utterly horrified as I may be, I must admit that I’d be curious enough to try just a bit.

Now, I’m waiting for the person who kicks it up a notch by somehow incorporating cheese into the recipe.  Act now.  Cardiologists are standing by.

Greetings, procrastinators. Today, April 27, 2009, marks the fortieth anniversary of one of the most legendary performances in rock and roll history. Forty years ago tonight, a young Led Zeppelin played the final show of a four-night stand in San Francisco.

The arrival of the mighty Zeppelin was foretold by humble print ads in local newspapers and music magazines.

Led Zeppelin rose from the ashes of The Yardbirds, Jimmy Page’s previous band, and they began playing together in September of 1968. The band’s amazing performances in San Francisco in 1969 are all the more impressive when the listener considers that they’d played together for just a few short months before invading America’s west coast.

You may ask, “How can you be so sure that this one particular show was great, BRP?” The explanation is simple: The April 27, 1969 show was recorded by two different fans. One recorded from the audience, and the other was able to attach his recorder to the soundboard. Both of these recordings circulate in the Led Zeppelin collecting community, separately and spliced together to recreate the complete show. I have listened to the audience tape, the soundboard tape, and the “collage” tape, and I feel confident proclaiming this show one of the greatest in rock and roll history.

A young, bluesy, grungy Robert Plant and Jimmy Page on stage in 1969

Check out the setlist for the early show:

• Train Kept A’Rollin’
• I Can’t Quit You Baby
• As Long As I Have You (medley includes Fresh Garbage, Shake, Cat’s Squirrel, No Money Down, and I’m A Man)
• You Shook Me
• How Many More Times
• Communication Breakdown

As if that wasn’t enough to blow the audience away, here’s the late set:

• Killing Floor
• Babe, I’m Gonna Leave You
• White Summer/Black Mountainside
• Sitting And Thinking
• Pat’s Delight
• Dazed And Confused

The first set is a blistering, energetic salvo. Every member of the band is in overdrive: John Bonham’s drums are thunderous, John Paul Jones’ bass lines are punchy and complex, Jimmy Page’s guitar sounds like an entire string section, and Robert Plant’s wailing voice reaches seemingly impossible notes. The “As Long As I Have You” medley showcases a young band just having some fun playing the radio songs that were popular in their native England at the time.

The second set is slower and more blues-based, but that doesn’t make it any less astounding. This is the only recorded performance of Otis Rush’s “Sitting and Thinking.” Page’s solo guitar work in “White Summer/Black Mountainside” is a fine complement to Bonham’s drum solo in “Pat’s Delight,” the song which would eventually become “Moby Dick.” The evening ends with an especially dark and moody “Dazed And Confused.” By this time, the listener is completely wrung out. Live recordings of Led Zeppelin demand engagement from the listener, not just passive hearing. The band leads the audience on a 130-minute musical journey, and that journey is exhausting.

Live recordings of Led Zeppelin can be a little difficult to find, but they’re out there. If you’re a fan, do yourself a favor and hunt down the April 27, 1969 show. I’ve listened to hundreds of shows, and this is my single favorite. If you don’t look for the show, at least put some Zep on your CD player tonight and hoist a drink to the greatest rock band in history.

Observation from the coffee shop: The woman at the next table has gotten up from her seat no fewer than six times to add more cream to her coffee.  Cream.  Not half-and-half, 2% or skim.

At this point, I’m thinking that her mug contains approximately 300 grams of fat and a vague hint of coffee flavor.

In 15 years of browsing the internet, I’ve seen every kind of bizarre, amazing, and/or appetizing web content. In fact, some days, I think there’s nothing left out there that could really make me stop and shake my head. On those days, I am wrong.

As proof of the internet’s inexhaustible supply of cool new discoveries, check out the following product, which was recently pointed out to me by a friend.

According to the product's website, "a few years after WWII ended, a young man working in a small restaurant in Sweden developed a new way to process bacon. By precooking it and blending it in a special way, he was able to make a fully cooked 100% bacon paste that could be squeezed from a tube."

When I first saw this product, I thought I was horrified and nauseated. On second thought, though, I’m pretty sure I’m thrilled and hungry. Frankly, Squeez Bacon sounds like a great idea. Nearly everything is better with bacon. For example, imagine a hamburger. Now, imagine the hamburger with bacon on it. Better, right? Now repeat the process with a slice of pizza. Now try it with a baked potato. See the pattern?

Bacon = better.

The website says, “If it’s edible, it’s better with Squeez Bacon.” I must admit that I agree. After all, “Squeez Bacon® is fully cooked 100% bacon. Due to the patented electro-mechanical process by which Squeez Bacon® is rendered, it requires no preservatives or other additives. Each serving is as healthy as real bacon, and equivalent to 4 premium slices of bacon!” I simply can’t argue with that.

Put it on toast and eggs! Sushi! Canteloupe! Hash browns! Pizza! Heck, put it on your BACON!

At $7.99 per tube, Squeez Bacon is a steal! Here’s your homework, procrastinators: Get some Squeez Bacon. Put it on a random food. Take a picture. Post a link to your picture as a comment on this post. Happy eating!

 There’s good procrastination and there’s bad procrastination. Waiting for your computer to boot up is bad procrastination. Follow the steps below to get your computer back to top shape:

1) Defrag your system. Download this: jkdefrag-screensaver-and-pagedefrag file (JkDefrag ScreenSaver and PageDefrag.zip), unzip it and follow the instructions.  It will install two free programs on your computer.  One will defrag your system in place of your screensaver, so it only runs when you’re not using the PC (don’t be afraid to interrupt it when it’s running either, it’ll just start up where it left off the next time it runs).  The other defrags system files when your computer reboots.

2) Scan for spyware. Download the free version of SuperAntispyware.  After it installs have it update and run a full scan on your system.  When it’s done and you’ve deleted anything it may have found go into the “Preferences” and untick the “Start SuperAntispyware when Windows starts” box and the “Show SuperAntispyware icon in the system tray” box.  This way the program will only be running when you want it to.

3) Clean junk files from you hard drive and Registry. Download CCleaner (stands for Crap Cleaner).  It’s free, just pay attention when installing it as you’ll need to uncheck the option install a Yahoo toolbar.  After it’s installed run the “Cleaner” option and then the “Registry” option.  When it’s about to make changes to the Registry it’ll ask you for a place to save the backup file.  I just put mine in the same folder I installed CCleaner to.

When you run CCleaner it’s best to close any open browsers first so it can properly clean out your cookies.  Some websites, like Yahoo! Mail, use cookies to keep you logged in, though.  So if you like that option you can make CCleaner keep specific cookies.  The best way to do it first run CCleaner and delete all your cookies.  Then open your browser and login to the sites you want to keep cookies for.  Open CCleaner -> Select “Options” -> Select “Cookies” and then simply select the few cookies you want to keep.

4) Reduce the number of programs that start with Windows. Lots of programs try to be “helpful” by preloading when Windows starts.  Some will also load update checking modules when windows starts as well.  Most of the time they do not need to be running at startup (Quicktime, Adobe Acrobat, etc.).

Download Autoruns from Microsoft.  The program doesn’t need to be installed, but you should place it in its own folder before you run it.  This program is going to give you a list of everything that starts when you computer boots.  The list is huge and can be intimidating.  You really only need to concern yourself with one of the tabs.  So after the program starts click the “Logon” tab.  Any program that does not list Microsoft under the “Publisher” column is pretty much fair game. If you don’t want it to start just untick the box next to it.

If you are not sure what a program is just left click on it and select the “Search Online” option to see if you can get info about it on the internet.  If you think you’ve made a mistake just start Autoruns again and tick the box.  It’s that simple.

Additionally, some programs will have a setting for preventing it from starting up with Windows in the program’s own Options or Preferences settings.

5. You should also run a check disk on your drive(s). When you do it select both options (”Automatically fix file system errors” and  “Scan and attempt recovery of bad sectors”).  After you click “Start” it’ll tell you that it can’t run right now, so it’ll offer to run on the next reboot.  Accept that and then reboot your computer.  DO NOT MAKE ANY PLANS TO USE YOUR PC FOR ANYWHERE FROM ONE TO FOUR HOURS.  It’s best to start this before you go to bed at night. DO NOT INTERRUPT THE CHECKDISK PROCESS ONCE IT HAS BEGUN.

6. One last thing you can do (after running the defrag and checkdisk) is to make sure you hard drive is running in DMA mode. Whenever your computer loads data off the hard drive it runs error checking on the data.  If it detects too many errors it will slow down the data rate by putting your drive in PIO mode.  Here’s some info on checking your hard drive’s transfer mode and how to change it back to DMA. If it is in PIO mode doing the maintenance I’ve previously mentioned should allow it to run in successful in DMA mode.

If your system keeps switching your drive back to PIO mode you’ve got a problem.  You may need to replace your hard drive.

7.  One final tip:  uninstall all the programs you don’t use. If you never use it I’d uninstall JAVA and then disable its use in your browser.  If you do get rid of JAVA you should also uninstall the version that comes with Windows by running this tool.

All I know about cosmetic surgery I’ve learned from living in suburbia.  And trust me, kids, it’s not always pretty.

Lesson #1: Botox is contagious.  It spreads like wildfire among friends.  Friends who no longer have the power of facial expressions.

Lesson #2: If you just get your eyes done, it only draws attention to how much the rest of your face is sagging.

Lesson #3: Sometimes bigger boobs don’t make you look younger or more vibrant, they just make you look top-heavy.  And ridiculous.  Especially when you’re chasing your kids around in anything that prominently features the “Juicy” or Victoria’s Secret “Pink” logos.

Lesson #4: I understand that lips get thinner as you age, but those collagen injections make you look like a duck.  And not a young duck, either.

So ladies, please think twice before your next cosmetic procedure.

Procrastinators looking for a more efficient mode of transportation in these trying economic times may find themselves drawn to Vespa mopeds, ultra-compact Kia Soul cars, good old-fashioned Schwinn bicycles, or even Segway electric transportation. Allow me to make another suggestion. At least two different companies now offer three-wheeled vehicles that bridge the gap between motorcycles and larger, more stable automobiles.

First, have a look at the Scoot Coupe. According to the website, it’s “sleek, elegant, smart, and just plain fantastic.” It apparently travels 70 to 80 miles on a gallon of gas, and is “everything you need to turn heads.” Check it out:

Oh, yeah. That'll turn heads.

On second thought, I’d call this vehicle “everything you need to look like you stole a vehicle from the carnival” or “everything you need to look like a toolbag while you drive near the beach.” Wow. Does anyone need to get 80 miles to the gallon this badly?

Conversely, check out the Can-Am Spyder. This vehicle is produced by a company that got its start making snowmobiles, and it shows in the design. It’s available with either automatic or standard transmission, and like the Scoot Coupe, it seats two. The similarities end there, though.

Everything you need to be a raging badass.

Yes, the Spyder costs as much as a small car. No, it doesn’t get 70 mpg on the highway. On the bright side, though, it can actually travel at highway speeds. Also, it won’t cause members of the opposite sex to view you as some sort of sensible, green-minded, responsible, boring, predictable dork.

Have I lost sight of the original intent of this post, namely, more affordable transportation? I have. Does it even matter, now that you’ve seen the Can-Am Spyder? I think not.

Greetings, procrastinators! Another beautiful Spring week has come and gone. I know you sit at your desk during the work day and wish you could be outside enjoying the season. Unfortuantly, odds are that your boss would frown upon that idea. There’s good news, though! You can access The Daily Procrastinator right there in your workspace! It’s not the same as sitting outside in the Spring weather, but it beats working…

Let’s look back at this week’s posts, one writer at a time, and make sure you didn’t miss a thing.

TallGirl led the team in posts this week. She began the week with a fond farewell to Harry Kalas, longtime voice of the Philadelphia Phillies. She continued by posting a photograph that simultaneously celebrates Easter and borderline insanity. In the following days, TallGirl posted a thought on (supposedly) discounted footwear and a stupefying bit of Octomom news. She wrapped up her week as a Procrastinator with a rumination on the effects the economic downturn is having on long-standing American businesses.

"You're going to procrastinate? In THAT outfit?"

Magnus, the Procrastinator responsible for marketing, techinical expertise, and all things geek-related, is normally pretty quiet, but he spoke up twice this week. First, he announced the iPhone-specific version of The Daily Procrastinator. A few days later, he posted a brief tutorial on the use of Real Simple Syndication (RSS) to make information bring itself to you, instead of spending your valuable time searching for it. I had no idea this service existed. It’s genius!

Finally, BigRedPoet threw his hat into the proverbial ring twice this week. First, he posted a celebration of the arrival of crawfish season and outdoor concerts in the American south. Later, BRP provided a list of five links to help the procrastinators of the world wile away a few valuable hours of work time. Click them. Trust me.

Visit The Daily Procrastinator at any of the links above and sign up to receive daily email updates so you never miss an article!

The Daily Procrastinator: Contributing to the Dramatic Reduction of Your Personal Productivity